Why is Live music so important?

I suppose the most obvious answer is that it is a vital source of income for so many of us - but when I started writing this I was thinking a little more holistically.

Live music is so important because it is one of the shortest routes to feeling good.

Pandemic or no - live gigs create moments of magic. We all know how evocative music can be - the hook in a melody, luscious BVs, a killer groove can transport you to another time, another place - but when it's live that imprint is a little deeper - certainly for me, both as a performer or as an audience member. The energy is palpable and elevated - I know you know what I mean.

I have been banging on about it for years - but now more than ever connection and communication are vital for our well being. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I do mean vital. And that feel good sensation is anything but superficial. Sound is an incredible energetic tool. The resonance and harmonic overtones created through sound enable our cells to vibrate at a certain frequencies and "spiritually” speaking (if I may) the feel good factor enhances our vibrational energy. We are all nourished by that euphoric sensation we feel coursing through our veins when we experience live music together.

And it is one of my favourite things after a tune to catch the eye of one of my band or a member of the audience and know we shared something  in that moment. When it comes down to it life is about joy and contentment and live music unlimited supplies and that is priceless which is why it's so important, in my opinion…but what do you think?

PS. This clip was taken from one of my gigs at The Pheasantry in London, featuring my friend and long time band member John Crawford doing his thing…

Rewriting negative self talk with personal victories...

Rewriting negative self talk takes years - believe me I know. I was looking through some old boxes of photos and came across these: family summer holiday - maybe 7 years ago. These photos represent a massive personal victory for me. I know, on the face of it, it may look like I’m just jumping off a pontoon into the sea, but this event was monumental in my little world.

As a child I didn’t learn to swim tiI I was 13, which is pretty late. I had eczema top to toe so swimming in a chlorinated pool aggravated my skin beyond belief, and swimming in the sea stung way too much, though it was widely regarded that salt water was good for eczema. My mother also doesn’t know how to swim and is quite fearful of water so it was never on the list of things to do. So whilst I learnt to swim in my teenage years - I wasn’t super comfortable doing it. 

The thing about self talk is, it’s really powerful. And sadly, a vast majority of us are wired in a way that means self talk often manifests itself as negative. That little voice cutting you down.  It may only be a whisper in the depths of your brain but the consistent stream of verbal cues we give ourselves take root, getting stronger as the years roll by. With great power, comes great responsibility (yes, I am quoting the Spiderman film - who is btw my favourite superhero) - so surely it serves us well to turn that voice into our superhero rather than our arch nemesis?

The reality is, I wasn’t brought up thinking “I can” or “just have a go”. The prospect of “having a go” came with a raft of caveats so I ended up creating a bunch of unfounded beliefs that all led down the road of “I can’t”. 

Fast forward to becoming a mother and the relevance of the photos (!) Firstly  - as soon as my kids were toddlers I enrolled them in swimming classes. I certainly didn’t want to saddle my kids with my nervousness around water - besides which I feel swimming is a really important life skill. Anyway, after years of summer holidays it became apparent to my kids that I rarely venture into the sea if we were on a beach, certainly not more than ankle depth. 

Now, I couldn’t tell you if it was a “their personality” thing, a generational thing or a parenting thing - probably a bit of all three. But even if there was some initial resistance, my children were always open to trying new things and having a go - something I found admirable, but unusual. So my lack of “sea antics” became glaringly obvious. 

We were lucky enough to go to Crete on summer holidays and there was this pontoon in the sea, by the hotel we were staying at. It became my kids’ life mission to get me to swim to the pontoon. The thing about my kids, or most kids in fact, is that they can be ridiculously persistent. So they wouldn’t stop till I said yes. But the thought was pretty nerve wracking to me. The negative self talk was out in force - “you can’t swim very well”, “you’re not sporty”, “you look like an idiot when you swim”. I could go on. But my kids and their badgering won. 

Although it really wasn’t far from the beach, it was like me swimming The Channel. It is hard, even now, to verbalise, the sense of achievement when I managed to step onto that pontoon. I then realised I’d been hoodwinked. There was a set of steps to get up and down from the water but my children wanted me to jump off and swim back to the beach.

I can honestly say, up until then I had never jumped off anything into the open sea. “Are you out of your mind?” was my overriding thought. But again, my kids’ persistence excelled - I suppose if I were feeling kind - I would say they were tenacious. 

Now this is where self talk gets interesting. In amongst the meleé of negative voices in my head, there was the tiniest murmur that said “why not have a go?”....

I do not know why I chose to listen to that voice that afternoon, but after a lot of coaching. I jumped. And it was really fun. I mean - I had to put visions of me jumping in so deep that I cracked my skull on a rock out of my head - but it was exhilarating, and I did it several times. 

My point is this - sometimes there is very little substance to the banks of negative self talk we build up. Some of it is of our own making, some gets stored because someone made a passing comment once and yes, sometimes people want to be negative, they want to put seeds of doubt in our brains, or they can’t see the detrimental effect their words have. But we have a choice - we get to choose whether those seeds sprout or not. 

And on a personal note, not knowing how to do something does not make us weaker, or ignorant and it certainly does not make us lesser - if anything it provides us with the opportunity to learn and grow and experience new things.

This period of lockdown has caused me to really think about how I live my life - and I welcome introspection. The whole range of challenges we are traversing through including #blacklivesmatter and Coronavirus are far from straightforward. Though sometimes it is crystal clear what is right or wrong.  But I am hopeful that this time of sometimes uncomfortable reflection and growth will bring positive, lasting change. 

And on a personal level that starts with each of us, the way we conduct ourselves and our self talk. We are allowed to close off the negative self talk, we are allowed to change our beliefs - and whilst sometimes the changes in self talk may be small, they can be profound - and it’s never too late. 

I really hope that I get to jump into the sea from a pontoon this year, though I don’t know how likely that will be - hell maybe I’ll upgrade to jumping off a rock .... 

We are all works in progress

Part of my bedrock in life is finding a silver lining in every situation - I am almost compulsive about this. And since lockdown I check in with myself several times a day and say thank you mentally for pretty much everything from waking up in the morning, having a body that does what it does, having hot and cold running water, having a roof over my head to having food in the fridge - you get the picture….having everything I NEED around me. And make no mistake, I know how lucky this makes me. 

Whilst we are indeed in this as a collective, the bubbles in which we live have become even more distinct. Lockdown has really distilled in my mind what I actually need in life to be happy and content; the list is pretty streamlined - and I know I am not alone in this revelation. 

If you follow me on social media you will know I did saunter around my house the other day in orange stilettos because I missed wearing them - but I know full well that they fall in the superfluous category.

Moving forwards, I feel many of us are looking at how we used to live, and whether we want to “go back” to that when we are allowed to do so. Certainly for me, what I buy, what I need and how much I need are so clear-cut now. I am finding myself to be much more discerning in every area of my life - and it is actually very welcome.

Another consequence of lockdown is we are spending more time in our own company and giving our thoughts more oxygen than perhaps we would have done, or had time to do in the past.

Broadly speaking, I don’t find it difficult to spend time with myself, so I feel there are many beneficial (non-materialistic) things that will come out of this time. But sometimes healthy introspection can take an unforeseen turn and lead us down a rabbit hole and those little (but powerful) negative voices can grab a hold.

Though I don’t mind being up close and personal with emotional-me, I do find it harder when I put “self” in front of certain words: self-confidence, self-esteem, self-love, self-compassion, self-empowerment. Depending on the day, these words can make me feel really rather uncomfortable.

Of all of these “self” words, self-esteem - the way we evaluate ourselves - is probably my biggest challenge. For me, self-esteem is the deepest internal layer.

And whilst I do understand that self-esteem comes from ourselves, because the clue is in the word (!) - I do feel that initially, from babyhood in fact, we take our lead from those closest to us and form our self-evaluation, in part, through the perception they (our parents, our families, our friends) have of us. Wonderful, if they think we are the best thing since sliced bread, but not so great if not. 

What I have realised over the years is that self esteem is directly linked to self compassion - how you treat yourself; and this imposed alone time has led me to moments of evaluation and I have started noticing, more often, when I’m not being nice to myself. 

At the beginning of lockdown - I set myself many many targets. I honestly think I thought overloading my routine and keeping busy was the answer. Very quickly I realised - it was not. Often I wasn’t in the mood - I wanted to go with the flow - spend the afternoon reading, or dancing, or - doing nothing….I’m one of those people who will always get done what needs to get done, I am hardwired that way - and there was definitely an internal standoff between the “doing” me and “being” me. 

So I was not achieving what I wanted to achieve in a day, which led me to be quite damning of myself and in turn my self-compassion took a hit. But as the days rolled on, I started catching myself and consciously changing my self-talk - to a gentler, kinder tone more of the time. In fact, basically cutting myself the same slack I would afford everyone I like and love. 

And it is a two way street - when I am kinder to myself it has a positive knock on effect on my self-esteem. I mean I don’t think I’m the dog’s bollocks (I have never understood this phrase, but I like it), but some days I might be pretty close :)

Honestly, this personal inner work is an unexpected byproduct of lockdown - I like to think I do this stuff most days - but it is really satisfying my desire for silver linings. 

Our relationships with ourselves are an iterative process and we will always be tweaking and quite right too - we are works in progress. I don’t believe that changes - but I do feel as we become more aware - more self-aware, we are able to hold ourselves accountable in a loving way, and raise ourselves up rather than cutting ourselves off at the knees  - as we would for those we care about - and in turn leads to a healthier self-everything.

Surrending to lockdown

On 9th March I got a call from Annie, who runs Annie’s Jazz Club in Southend. She wanted to chat about the possibility of postponing my tour date at her venue, as a lot of her patrons were getting nervous about coming out. That day they had had some reported cases of Coronavirus in Southend and people were starting to get concerned.

As I cast my mind back, I realise that 9th March was only 5 weeks ago but it feels like months have passed me by. The way time can disappear in an instant and then stretch out endlessly is the weirdest thing. 

I remember that whilst I was aware of the shocking news in China and Italy and some cases cropping up in the UK, I had not taken in the enormity of the devastation we were all going to face. I honestly feel in my head, I thought I could get my tour done before Coronavirus became more prevalent - how ridiculous….

Annie and I decided that postponing my gig was the most sensible decision and whilst I was really disappointed, I had some other projects to pour myself into over the coming weeks, so I just thought I’d redirect my focus. But all of that fell away quickly too - and even though we weren’t told to stay home that week or the next, the change in the air was palpable.

It was then I realised, the only way I was getting through this, whatever this was, was by relinquishing “control’ as I saw it, and surrendering. 

I know some people see surrender as passive or weak, but to me it is about allowing and freeing - and there is real power in that. When I have had to surrender in other situations in my life, I have found it leads to acceptance, which in turn takes me to thankfulness and that is a positive place to be. 

And whilst I have been known to bang on about it in the past - a positive mindset has magical powers. I can only imagine with awe, the mindset of our key workers at the moment.

So, right now, I do have a daily and weekly routine and I am working from home; but in truth, some days are better than others. And much like Coronavirus there is little rhyme or reason as to why. 

Yesterday, for instance, I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I listened to music that specifically made me cry - really cry. Songs where I couldn’t get the melodies out as they were choked by my tears. 

There wasn’t anything wrong but - and I realise I may sound like a fruit loop - I needed it. We are all energetic beings and soak up so much energy and emotion subliminally that sometimes it needs an outlet. Most days I sing, I dance and I check in with those I love, and that is nourishing but sometimes you need something else and I am a great believer that if we quieten our minds, the answer often presents itself.

I don’t believe there is a right way to get through lockdown  - apart from following the government's guidelines, obviously. But I know, the moment I let go - and decided to cut myself some slack and not to focus on powering through  - and surrendered - well everything felt a whole lot better. 

At the end of the day different things work for different people - that is a beauty of diversity. I guess it all comes down to self-care, in different guises. And if you can make headway on the things you want to do, or achieve, go on a diet, train for something, make strides with work and look after your loved ones then bravo. I applaud you. But if you want to stay in bed till noon because you feel lethargic and want to eat chocolate and watch movies all day - then good for you. If you need it, take it. 

Surrender might look different on different days and that’s fine too. Right now life is about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day the best you can - survival.

I do believe that this pandemic is compelling us to look at how we live and what we want out of life, what we appreciate and what is important - as a collective and as individuals. I know, I am learning that I am at my best when I am truly present and just focus on going from one moment to the next. I need to check in with myself regularly and make sure I’m watching over me, as well as those I love. Shutting out the white noise of what ifs and future plans is working for me - so right now I choose to surrender.

Life, life purpose and the coronavirus.

Like the vast majority of us, I am spending most of my time with myself. Lockdown is not as arduous for me, as for some of us - something I am thankful for. 

I am pretty comfortable on my own, don’t bore easily - and have joked with a few friends that life is really rather busy at the moment with working from home, meditating, online zoom classes, chatting to friends and family, my daily walk and the usual cooking and cleaning, 

I have found that in carving out a new housebound structure, thoughts of what my life purpose is, have been bubbling to the surface. This, and the inner calling of what I can offer and give to the world at large, not just those close to me. 

And as coronavirus engulfs every corner of our world; for the first time in a long time, I wish I had heeded the cultural call of my motherland and read medicine at University, because then I could really help. But we have to work with what we’ve got, and life experience has taught me that whatever you do, whatever your circle, however great your reach - in terms of family, friends or followers - life purpose is about your personal influence - how we affect people.

In fact, it reminds me of a book I read when my kids were babies. I think the book was called “Toddler Taming” and in it, was a sentence that hit me like a truck and has stayed with me since. It was something like: “you hypnotise your children every day, and it is up to you, how you choose to hypnotise them.” 

As a mother, I made it my life mission to inject my kids with an internal, unwavering belief and a positive spin wherever possible. I tried never to tell them off by saying, “they were bad”, instead choosing to say, “they did a bad thing”. Not sure I got this right all the time - you’d have to ask my kids.

But that sentence resonated in a really profound way for me. I took it to heart, so if I had the opportunity to bring joy, however small and inconsequential to anyone I met, I took it. If I could affect a positive change for someone that crossed my path then I would. Then I realised, that’s how I had always wanted to be; maybe that was my life purpose?

When I was younger, much younger, I am talking 6 or 7,  life was a no brainer for me - I knew unequivocally I wanted to be a singer-songwriter -  and to express myself through connecting with people. Radiating emotion was what I was born to do. But life took its share of twists and turns and for a while life purpose became synonymous with achievement. I didn’t see that the lines were becoming blurred. But circumstance kept reminding me - whatever I chose to do, or whatever happiness or heartache presented itself in my world - what I felt, how I shared it, and finding a silver lining underpinned everything.

Contrary to popular belief I am not happy all the time, nor am I lovely all the time. Life is not a comparative study so I can’t say if the sadnesses and darkness I have experienced are better or worse than yours, but I am 51 so I have lived a share of ups and downs. And at times, even I'm surprised at the lightning speed at which I process emotions sometimes, and flip my mood. I will always find the joy even if it is buried under a pile of metaphorical rubble.

Sometimes I am asked how my social media can look so happy and positive. It’s not fake - it’s how and who I am. If I grieve, get angry or upset, I do it in private. And frustratingly I am not superhuman so I do ask for help sometimes. But I do believe my life purpose is all about emotion and joy. Above all, I want to leave people feeling happier, more uplifted and positive than when we met. 

And what I will say about this time we are going through is this; many people have talked about going back to normal at some point. I don’t believe in going backwards, and what we knew as normal had to change - nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has spoken. 

There are things I can’t explain, justify or put a positive spin on, namely so much suffering, and so many deaths. The grief, the fear, the worry, the sorrow - it is all valid. But I do strongly feel we are stepping into a new world. And I do hope that as a collective we come through as a more thoughtful, compassionate, caring, loving race for ourselves as individuals, each other and the world in which we live, and that - will be a thing of joy. 

When your body screams for you to stop and self-care...

The mind-body-soul connection. Non negotiable to my craft as a singer. I love the feedback my body and emotions give me whenever I sing. But it seems somehow I lost sight of this connection in “normal” life and was thrown into a tailspin at the end of last year when I woke one morning covered in angry, sore, stinging, itchy hives - so painful on the soles of my feet that I was unable to walk.

What was initially diagnosed as an allergic reaction was investigated further, and re-diagnosed as a severe stress response. I have to tell you I wasn’t impressed with myself - really bad timing as I was incredibly busy and it was just before Christmas. 

But this three way connection we all have, is damned clever. I wrote a post about my 2019, which I suppose was a little full on; and as it turns out I was repeatedly ignoring emotional and energetic markers all year, so by the end of the year my body just took control and screamed for me to stop - and I came to a screeching halt. 

For the most part we all keep going, life is always busy right? But over the last six weeks I have had to radically change the way I do things. I have been teaching myself  to work smarter, which often means shorter working sessions - very odd as I’m preparing for gigs and I like to work for hours on end, I have been cancelling nights out if I’m too tired and getting to bed super early, and just paring down what I do in a day  - I have realised I have no choice. And I have read more and watched more movies in the last month than I did in the whole of 2019.

When I was little, a family mantra was, “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything”. This has always been at the forefront of my mind - for everyone else, but not for me. It’s not conceit that made me feel immune, but naivety. Ironically, my immune system needs a lot of TLC.

This body, mind and soul trinity of mine is pushing me (maybe my ego?) out of my own way. As I said goodbye to 2019 and hello to the new decade I felt utterly dejected that my skin was so unsightly but apart from the skin deep superficialities; on a deeper level I felt depleted and without any reserves to draw on. So I continue to adjust to a new way of being and am slowly feeling better and stronger.

A little digression on skin issues. I thought I had put my skin problems to bed. Those of you who have followed me for a while will know I have written a few pieces about skin as I suffered with chronic eczema as a child and a teenager. Skin diseases and rashes are sadly not always just skin deep. They can be hugely debilitating, insidious and an indication of something more. They can make you feel really ill and low and have a knock on effect on your self-esteem and self-confidence. When I was young there wasn’t the spotlight on mental and emotional health, or if there was I was not aware of it, but I am finally learning to be kinder and gentler to myself and put my mental, emotional and physical health front and centre. 

And while I get a little scared when the rash flares up again as it has done a few times over the last few weeks, I can’t help but be thankful as it is an extremely efficient barometer of my body warning me, taking charge and enforcing what I, as a whole being, need.

A Non Resolution Resolution...

Sassy image of me, by the extremely talented Jessica Venturi

Ok, I don’t know about you, but it takes me a few weeks to settle into a New Year so this week I am starting to get my 2020 groove on.

I have been thinking a lot about the potential this year holds. And I am excited for it. If you read my last post (My 2019) you will know last year was a big one for me. But I have decided this is not a year for a list of resolutions. I’m not massively into them to be honest. I have made them in the past and even written about them on my blog but they have always been about creative or fitness goals, or routine led things and often led to a tick box type audit of my life which is really not me and feels a little disingenuous.

Sure I have some festive flubber I’d like to lose and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t love achieving things, I do, - new music, successful tour etc. I started writing a couple songs today and I can’t tell you how fufiling that was…But I am at my happiest when I am joyful and sharing that joy. Might sound silly and overly simplistic but this is my overriding emotion. If Meghan Trainor is all about the bass..I'‘m all about the joy :) (!!!)
So why am I telling you this? Because I want to be clear on what I want to share with you this year. I want to show you more of me than before and I want to radiate as much joy as I can whilst doing that. I have always predominantly used my social media as an artist and that’s not going to change. Everything I share will be tied to me as a creative and sharing my passions and interests with you. And if there is something you want to know about my music, my interests, my inspirations - let’s start talking. I want to share things that you are interested in.

There may still be the odd personal post but only if it’s relevant. I’m not a public ranter or whinger, I’d rather be quiet in my own private space if I’m in a bad mood. I know some people feel social media is curated in a contrived way and I have been thinking about this. I feel there are many different ways in which people use social media, and maybe this is something to tackle in another post. For me, I want to make a positive impact in my small way and hopefully put a smile on your face; so If I am angry or pissed off - I don’t feel I need to put to any negative energy out there.

But if I need help or feel something is important to share I will....so this is beginning to sound like a resolution (!!) So if this is one, it’s this - moving forwards, my joy is non-negotiable - tuning into it, nourishing it, pouring into my songs and creativity and sharing it with you. I am unapologetically led by my heart in all I do and am at my best when I feel my way through life, so that’s what I’ll be doing this year x

My 2019

Oh my lord, I can’t quite believe I have finally got round to posting this. Don’t laugh, but I have been meaning to write this post since the end of the summer. No real excuse except in the words of Ferris Bueller - life does move pretty fast - and for me, this year has flown by at lightning speed.  

So what did 2019 hold for me?  I am going to go against my natural rambly state and get to the point. Here is what I think is a decent summation of my year, in chronological order: 

I turned 50, moved into my own home, put on a gig, moved out of my new home to renovate it, got divorced, finished an album, fell in love, moved back into my house, watched my daughter graduate from University, signed a licensing deal with independent record label, Frtyfve, put on another gig, celebrated my son turning 21, started an online campaign to release my new music, went to Melbourne for nearly a month (part work/part pleasure), came back at the beginning of November and had to press pause on life as my son was severely ill and in hospital for 10 days. 

I spent the beginning of December catching up with work and on 22nd I flew to Frankfurt for my first German Christmas. A side note - I suffered a massive allergic reaction four days before I flew to Germany and got on the plane barely able to walk (I’m not exaggerating - I was covered from the neck down in an angry, sore, stinging rash that was also the soles of my feet which prevented me from walking - and had to get around the airport in a wheelchair :( ). 

Luckily the German doctor I saw prescribed a heady cocktail of antihistamines and cortisone that set me on the road to recovery and as I write now I am in Marrakech for the first time ever, for a few days of relaxation and to celebrate the New Year.

Before I go any further, the mother in me has to state that after a truly horrendous time, my son is well again. There was a five day period, when he was in hospital that I feared the worst as the drs were unable to diagnose his illness and he was worsening day on day. But I will address this in another post as I learned a lot about myself and the harsh reality that the worry as a parent never goes away. 

If I dial back to 2018, I remember it being a year where I was clearer on what I wanted to achieve creatively and who I am as an artist. 

This certainly gathered momentum in 2019. But in addition - due in part to the emotional rollercoaster that weaved its way through my year - 2019 has clarified who I am and who I want to be - how I choose to conduct myself and what I value in the people around me. This might sound a little airy fairy or silly but who I am on a personal level directly feeds into the artist in me, it always has done and always will.

I have probably said this before but emotion and connection are my strongest drivers. This year I have finally gained the ability to be a little more discerning about how I want to spend my time and not being scared to release things that do not serve me anymore.

My music and my children continue to be my life blood. I honestly don’t think I could survive without them. 

My daughter starts work in January for a children’s charity - which has been her absolute dream job for years. She has never wanted to compromise on her goal, and her tenacity and determination inspire me daily. 

My son, a second year English and Film student typically burns the candle at both ends - his talent and passion for everything he does also inspires me especially his commitment to raising money and awareness for Mental Health UK and being part of his Uni committee for Movember. 

Releasing new music is one of my greatest thrills, and last week I released my EP “Out of the Shadows”. This is a body of work I have wanted to create for years and I am really proud of it. A massive thank you to everyone involved and to you for listening. 

And whilst my blog hasn’t had the love it deserves this year, it will be back with some regularity in 2020. Season 2 of my podcast series, About Last Night, will also be back. 

One more thing -  I said earlier 2019 has been an emotional rollercoaster. It has been, and it took me a while to acknowledge that and allow myself to process the year’s events. 

It has been a year of massive personal and even spiritual growth which I feel must be really good thing. This year more than ever I have never been so thankful for my unrelenting positivity. I don’t know where it comes from and have called it delusional at times but I appreciate it everyday. It is a fire in me that makes me resilient and nurtures a knowing in me that whatever happens - everything will always work out. 

So that’s that. I hope some of this makes sense and gives you a picture of my 2019.

I am so excited for 2020 and everything it holds. I am ready to grab every opportunity that life presents and am planning on getting back into the studio around Easter. And whilst I am not big on New Year’s resolutions, I will do my best to connect and engage with you. I know I am haphazard social networker but please know I appreciate your support and never take your kind comments for granted. 

So all that’s left for me to say is I hope you have had a good year too and wish you all the best for 2020. 

Sending you all loads of love x

Parry Ray X Frtyfve - exciting annoucement alert!

So, I’ve been meaning to get on here for quite a few weeks now - but life has been jam-packed and the time to write has somehow eluded me. However, it is fitting I feel that that this is my first new post in a while. So here goes….

I am extremely excited to announce that a few weeks ago I signed a licensing deal, and I will be working with the fantastic label team at FRTYFIVE records to release a brand new EP this year.

I have shared a few bits and bobs while working on this project particularly when I was recording in the studio, but you’ll be hearing and seeing a lot more about the singles I'm releasing through FRTYFVE in the run up to the full EP, which will be dropping just before Christmas.

A massive thank you to everyone associated with this project. I will ramble in future posts I’m sure - but have to name check Carly Martin-Gammon and James McMillan here - without whom the musical concept that was whirring around in my brain for quite some time would not have come to fruition. But also, of course a HUGE thank you to FRTYFVE for finding me and sharing my excitement about this project.

I cannot wait to start this campaign share it with you all….so stay tuned!

A rare personal post

Happy Easter all! Hope you are having a glorious weekend whatever you are up to.

So this is a rare personal post, I might do a few more across the year because as a creative my personal and professional lives are pretty interwined, but this one is different as I wanted to publicise something my son is doing.

My son, Josh, is embarking on a crazy a summer of events to raise money for Mental Health UK and I wanted to tell you a little bit about it, from my perspective.

Josh has been playing rugby since he was 4. It is his lifeblood, his religion. Many of you who have loved ones who play rugby will know this mentality, but also know it comes with some serious risks.

And over time Josh has had more than his fair share of injuries – off the top of my head he has suffered a broken ankle, torn ankle ligaments, broken vertebrae, cracked ribs, subluxed shoulder, torn ACL, torn MCL, and I have blanked out the actual number of concussions he has had.

But such his love for this crazy, brutal sport – he rehabs as if his life depends on it so he can be back on the pitch as soon as possible.

Watching him play can be exhilarating. I love to watch him run the length of the pitch and score. He is the king of those champagne tries - I think they are called. But as anyone who watches someone they love play this brutal sport knows when they get injured you stand on the touchline praying they will get to their feet as quickly as possible. And when they don’t you feel beyond sick.

But I have realised over the years that this isn’t about me, or my irrational maternal worry and my worry about his physical health is just one small part of it. After suffering so many injuries and a number of concussions I could see his mood changing dramatically and whilst he didn’t often talk to me about how he was feeling, or what he was going through I knew he was dealing with a whole host of  demons and for a long while, internalising them.

Nowadays, more than ever we are aware of mental health which is a wonderful thing, but I still feel there is a sense of bravado within men and certainly rugby boys to power through and not address how they are feeling.

Over the last few years, Josh has become very open and honest about his journey and his own mental health awareness. And I am immensely proud of him for planning these events to raise money for Mental Health UK. He has also asked me to join him on one of the “easier” events, but I have politely declined as not sure I am up to it!

Ever since Josh was little he has approached everything he wants to do with a great deal of determination, passion and commitment – so I wanted to share the link to his page with you.

I don’t think I have ever put anything like this up before, so if you feel inclined and I hope you do you could donate a little something. Thank you x

https://bit.ly/2UytmpH 

Taking stock of 2018

4 months. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that it has been nearly 4 months since my last proper blog post. So I thought it was time to rectify that, and take stock on what I have been doing this year.

Last year I said that 2017 had been the most important year for me creatively to date, and I have certainly built on that this year. Writing new songs, putting on live shows, working on a new album, my new podcast series, About Last Night and of course, dipping my toe in the fashion industry and working on brand strategy for Amanda Thompson Couture.

I continue to be clearer day on day on what I want to do, be and achieve as an artist both musically and in a wider creative sense. And that clarity is something I am unbelievably appreciative of.

But the biggest headline for 2018 has been one of personal growth. In fact, I might go even further, and say that it is possible this year I have experienced more personal growth than ever before. For me this is massive, because everything I do as an artist and creative hinges on what’s inside me, and how I feel.

Emotion and connection continue to be my primary drivers. But, this year I feel I have finally gained the ability to be a little more discerning about how I want to spend my time and not being scared to release things that do not serve me anymore.

And though for years I have described myself as adopting a “fly by the seat of my pants” methodology to life I have started being more structured in the way I approach things. This is definitely paying dividends, especially as for the first time in a long time, I have three very distinct areas to balance in my working life: my music, my podcasts and working with Amanda Thompson, which I do twice a week.

Many people are intrigued by this new venture. And it is funny how things turn out. For a few years now, I have really wanted to be involved in fashion – but like most industries it is really hard to break into them without any direct experience, and coupled with the fact that I wanted to do this later in life…. Well, let’s just say it wasn’t proving to be straightforward.

In case you don’t know, Amanda Thompson is a self-taught fashion designer. She is an incredible talent; and creates timeless pieces from the most exquisite fabrics and the fact that she has invited me to work on her brand with her, with such generosity of heart – is really humbling. What’s even better is we seem to complement each other pretty well. For me, it is exceptionally gratifying to share someone else’s creative journey and use my skill sets in a different way, and the fact that Amanda is a gorgeous human being makes this journey all the more sweet. As for my music - it continues to be my lifeblood.

At the moment, I am working with producer James McMillan, on a project that takes me back to my love of musical theatre and jazz. What is great about working with James is it’s both stimulating and challenging too; and he is pushing me in a way that I don’t think I have ever been pushed in the studio. I cannot wait to share this album with you in 2019. I think it is going to be really quite different from anything I have done before.

And finally my podcast series. This is something that has been in my head for years – I think I may be a closet talk show host (!) My guests have made this project a triumph and a joy for me. I thank each and every one of them.

So in a nutshell, that’s my year. This year more than ever I have learnt to accept and honour my past and the decisions I have made, look forward to the future – but above all enjoy the now. That is definitely new this year.

It has just occurred to me that where I am both personally and professionally is vastly different to where I thought I might be when I was younger. But I am also realising that there is no limit to discovery and finding joy in the present moment and feeding it into every area of my life. 

Balancing your energy flow with fragrances from The Harmonist

On a beautiful sunny Monday, a few weeks ago, I headed to the Arts Club in Mayfair for an afternoon tea hosted by The Harmonist, a new fragrance house.

I was intrigued because I have always been a one-perfume kinda girl. In fact, I can chart my life by the perfumes I have worn and when, and there have only been four. My longest perfume love, Tiffany, lasted 21 years and I would still be wearing it if Tiffany & Co had not discontinued it.

Smell, to me, is the most evocative sense. I want a perfume to make me feel feminine and glamorous, enhance my self confidence, but above all reflect my character in some way - a lot of pressure on that beautiful bottle and its’ contents, I know. But because I place stock in that intangible connection I make with a fragrance, I was interested to find out more about the Harmonist.

The Harmonist perfumes are based on the five Chinese elements of Feng Shui - Fire, Water, Wood, Earth and Metal. Each element has been used as the inspiration to create two fragrances, one representing the Yin energy (the feminine energy, the softness in us all,) and one the Yang (the masculine energy, the strength in us). That is not to say the Yin perfumes are only for women and the Yang for men. All ten fragrances are unisex.

Founder Lola Karimova-Tillyaeva was drawn to the philosophy of Feng Shui and wanted to create a fragrance range that was based on harmony and the perfect balance of Yin and Yang. And perfumer Guillaume Flavigny was charged with bringing the concept to life. During his career, Flavigny has created fragrances for brands like Armani Privé and Tom Ford, to name a few, so his experience speaks for itself.

The Harmonist perfumes are said to channel energy and focus into designated areas of life by manifesting status, wisdom, socializing, creativity, prosperity and seduction depending on what your constitutional element is, and which perfume you choose.

With the environment at the forefront of business these days, The Harmonist also uses recyclable materials at every possible stage, from its perfume bottles and deluxe packaging to its vegetal wax candles. All of The Harmonist’s bottles are refillable, and each is made with an opaque glass that protects the vitality of its precious perfumes.

Over the course of the afternoon, all the guests discovered their constitutional element, which is worked out by your date, place and time of birth. I am Yang Water - so I set about finding the perfume I connected with the most.

My favourite, hands down, was Hypnotising Fire, one of the Yin fragrances. For me, it was instantly intoxicating and whilst I went back to some of the other fragrances, nothing came close to Hypnotising Fire for me.

It turns out my choice balances me well, the Yin balancing my Yang energy and the fire is said to enhance prosperity in my life, which sounds pretty good to me.

With her range, Karimova-Tillyaeva has created something really rather unusual – a broad range of fragrances that work, in my opinion, on a deeper, almost spiritual level and call to mind the element encapsulated in each fragrance rather vividly.

A thoroughly fascinating and enjoyable afternoon - I didn’t think I would walk away with a perfume I would want to wear every day, but I did…. If you would like to check The Harmonist range out, it is exclusively available at Harrods In London, and Barneys in New York. And if you do, let me know what you liked and why….PS: in case you didn’t know Karimova-Tillyaeva is an Uzbek diplomat and philanthropist. She is the daughter of Islam Karimov, the former president of Uzbekistan who died in 2016 after a 27-year reign marked by human-rights abuses. Today, Karimova-Tillyaeva serves as Uzbekistan’s permanent delegate to UNESCO and runs several charities based in her home country      

My life as a podcaster...

If you have been following me on Instagram (my favourite social media platform) you will know that I launched a podcast series three weeks ago called About Last Night.

The premise is to meet up with a variety of creatives who excel in their field and talk about the highs and lows of their journeys and how and where they find joy in their lives.

I have wanted to do this for ages and quite frankly I am having a ball.

The conversation is the easy bit - I love research and interviewing people as I spent a number of years before becoming a professional singer as an editor in a publishing house, and the performance aspect of the podcast - well I think that's part of my DNA.

But - the technology - well THAT is challenging at times.

As a singer when I record anything, I do my thing and then leave it to the engineer and producer to edit...so learning to edit these episodes is a steep learning curve for me and whilst I have the odd freak out, I am loving the satisfaction of getting to grips with a new skill.

On that note I must thank my team who have been telling me for years that this idea had to come to fruition, so thank you Carly - for prodding me in the nicest possible way and Jemma - who is tasked with teaching me the editing process and dealing with said freak outs...I can't verbalise how important words are to me, ironic I know. I don't care if they are sung, spoken or written, I spend my professional and personal life pouring over them.

So creating a podcast where I get to have interesting, insightful conversation with people is stimulating and nourishing beyond belief. Connecting and communicating with people in itself is a joy for me but there are so many learning, "take away" moments in each conversation.

I made the decision to record at the end of the day in a cafe or bar because I wanted a social vibe and energetically recording at the end of the day creates a certain atmosphere, it's intangible, but it's there. I don't know if any other podcasts do this, but it suits my style.

A few people who have listened have said it takes a while to get used to the background sound - so I would love to know what you think - so in case you haven't heard it here is Episode 1 with celebrity hairstylist and the man in charge of my hair, Ben Cooke:https://bit.ly/2MQtcq6

I have been really lucky because I drew up a wish list from my immediate network for Season 1 (9 or 10 episodes, I haven't decided yet) and everyone said yes! So a massive thank you to my guests - you have all been wonderful and so generous with your time and your words.

Last night I recorded an episode with Geeta Sidhu-Robb, CEO of Nosh Detox, whose story blew my mind and the week before I recorded with Oli Rockberger - kick-ass pianist, producer, songwriter, who is currently in Laura Mvula's band. I am trying to cover lots of different creative spheres, but looking ahead to Season 2, if you have any suggestions, let me know.Tomorrow's upload features Sheila McKain, a wonderful creative director and co founder of Laain Activewear. Just to whet your appetite Sheila has in her time worked with Oscar de la Renta and Donna Karan. So check out my socials tomorrow to listen to Sheila's and my conversation and tell me what you think. I'd also love to know whether you'd like the episodes fortnightly rather than every three weeks.

I love catching up with you on here, and I couldn't quite believe it's been a month since my last post...but they do say time flies when you're having fun and I do try to have as much fun as possible :)  

Supercharging your facial – with Natura Bisse’s Mindful Touch

I am massive fan of facials. And Natura Bisse facials are very much top of my list.

So when a week or so ago I was invited to the Savoy in London to have a bespoke Natura Bisse facial, I jumped at the chance.

I was delighted that my therapist was going to do the Vitamin C+C facial on me, as this is my favourite line for the summer months. She then offered the Mindful Touch experience as well, which I have avoided up to now. More fool me.

Anyway, I was intrigued by her description so I said yes.

The Mindful Touch experience is an 8-minute bolt on to any bespoke Natura Bisse facial - you wear goggles and are guided through a visual and aural relaxation - which massively enhances your facial.

I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it. You are relaxed by beautiful and interesting imagery, music and a carefully scripted narrative  - which I thought would be intrusive or annoying but wasn’t at all. And as if that wasn’t enough the therapist massages and presses certain pressure points in time with the visual and aural programme.

The reason I say your facial is supercharged is because you are taken to a deeper state of relaxation much more quickly. I seemed to by-pass trying to quieten my brain myself; the Mindful Touch did it for me.

One of the reasons I love facials is because you’re in the hands of a specialist for an hour or so. They use their knowledge and expertise to cleanse and nourish your skin in a way I simply can’t do at home. And I have found the benefits of a good facial can last up to a week. But what Natura Bisse have done with the Mindful Touch added to their facials goes far beyond skin care.

The Mindful Touch ensures an almost immediate enjoyment of the treatment and is blissfully effective in providing a deeply tranquil state during the facial - and this from someone who finds it incredibly hard to switch off or not chat incessantly about the facial.

What’s even more incredible is that the end of the programme seems to energise you so you are refreshed, whilst still being relaxed when it is over. Although it is safe to say, I really didn’t want it to be over.

I am always conscious of my mind-body connection and this focus on well-being, I feel must have had a knock on effect on my skin.

Needless to say I was floating for the rest of the day…. So if you haven’t tried it I would really recommend getting down to a Natura Bisse spa and trying it for yourself…  

Anti-aging VLOG

Here's my new VLOG - my thoughts on tackling aging in you 40s and beyond. Take a look and please do get in touch if you have any kick-ass products or practices you rely on. Hope you enjoy...

The power of a belief system – what do you believe?

I have been thinking a lot about belief systems recently - specifically mine. Our beliefs are not hardwired in our DNA, we create them or they can be created for us, often by family – a set of rules to live by. Woven into the very fabric of our being, beliefs can make or break us.

I have come to realise that the belief system I have grown up with is not aligned with what I think and feel these days - it doesn’t reflect who I am anymore. So I have been unpicking it and rebuilding a new set of beliefs. But having been raised in a very traditional Indian family I feel guilty for doing this.

The belief system I grew up with is born out of my family’s heritage and religious beliefs, which is logical. Luck, fate and destiny are the pillars of this belief system, very closely intertwined with fear and superstition. If things didn’t go my way as a child I was told it was my fate or bad luck - or it probably wasn’t part of my destiny.

As a teenager if I went off the rails - which was my parent’s definition for boyfriends, late nights out, and getting drunk – I was reprimanded and told that if I did something my parents didn’t approve of, something bad was bound to happen.

When I was young, I did try to conform, partly because I am a massive people pleaser and partly because the way you are brought up when you are a child is all you know – it is the bedrock of your beliefs.

Being safe, being worried of the next the bad thing that might happen and not pushing the boundaries were the overriding messages I grew up with.

Life felt contained and something very primal in me was uncomfortable with this fearful way of living. Though for my mother and many of my older relatives it made total sense and it still does, which is of course fine.

So, it has taken a while – but I have, and probably still am, building a belief system that makes much more sense to me – led my heart and my instincts - not what I “should” do, or what I was told to do.

I am still working through the guilt as I feel like I am betraying my mother at times, but in reality recognising that I have recreated my belief system and that there are many “right’ ways to live is ok.

I hope also through me questioning the belief system I grew up with, I have parented in a way that has allowed my children to create their own set of beliefs and with that, a freedom to live how they want.

After all, life to me isn’t about worry and fear. It is about fun, experimenting, exploring and living fully – whatever that means to you.

There is a Bengali phrase my mother used to say to me a lot, and it loosely translates to, “The more you laugh, the more you’ll cry”. This also formed part of her beliefs, and I was often told not too have too much fun because it might lead to sadness. This never made sense to me and feels totally counterintuitive.

I will not curtail the joyous, wonderful, happy moments in my life because something bad might happen. And laughing is hands down one of my most favourite things to do. If anything, the good times give me the strength to overcome any challenges that come my way.

Growing up, my fate and destiny filled me with a feeling of foreboding, I never thought they could be a roadmap of excitement, magic and wonder – but I do now… that’s what I believe. 

Face masks VLOG - why they are good for your skin and my faves...

Here's my latest vlog - about the benefits of face masks and my personal faves...

The beauty of breath

Our ability to breathe is remarkable; I know I’m stating the obvious, but we do it without thinking.

We have the capacity to change our breathing consciously by - gasping or sighing for instance, but we can also affect it subconsciously depending on how we are feeling. Mood is inextricably linked to breath.

Last week, I mentioned on an Instagram post that life has been a little up and down of late. I tend to not let stress get to me, and actually I think I am pretty effective at dealing with a high baseline of stress.

But I know in myself when I am feeding off it in a positive way and when I am not - and I haven’t been lately so I knew I had to do something.

I’m sure like me you have daily practices that punctuate your day, that are good for your general wellbeing. Some people run or go for power walks, others like me start their day with meditation. I also exercise about 4-5 times a week - and of course I sing most days.

But over the last month or so these “good practices” haven’t been as effective as normal. I am doing them but they are not keeping me as balanced as I would like and the more I noticed I wasn’t feeling refreshed after mediating, or I wasn’t using my voice in the way that I wanted, the more annoyed I was getting with myself.

Then last week I realised, it wasn’t what I was doing that was failing me – it was how I was doing it - and specifically how I was breathing.

When I look to my Indian background, most of my extended family practises some sort of yoga. My mother has been doing it since she was at school and now in her 80s, it is still how she starts her day.

Yoga teachers (yogis) have known of the benefits of mindful breathing for centuries. And over the years, scientific research has corroborated these benefits. Paying attention to how we breathe is one of the most effective tools to lower stress levels and improve our mood.

I pride myself on understanding the mechanics and benefits of breathing properly, especially because good breath control is fundamental in singing.

But, and this may sound silly, I have remembered that it is not enough to just breathe; the rate at which we breathe is vital. It is related to the autonomic nervous system which controls our bodies’ sympathetic response (which is the fight or flight thing) and parasympathetic response, which is our rest and restore function, which feeds into our heart rate and respiration, which go up or down depending on whether we are relaxed or stressed or somewhere in between.

Over the last week I have been taking the time to really tap into my breath. There is something beautiful about concentrating on stillness, and tuning into breathing.

I have reminded myself that like so many things, it is not enough to just go through the motions. Consciously breathing is helping me replenish my energy, strengthen my “good practices” and make me feel like I have a solid foundation from which I can tackle the stresses that may come my way.

So now I have a new daily practice - as soon as I wake up (or whenever I need to) I stop and focus in on my breath - soft and slow breaths to start that become deeper and lower the longer I concentrate. And though I am pretty sure I knew this, I am remembering that deep, low abdominal breathing is truly transformative.    

The impact of an icon

I have been thinking recently about the impact of an icon.

My icons largely inhabit the world of art, literature, fashion, music and science. This month we lost Hubert de Givenchy and Stephen Hawking - two titans in their respective industries.

It seems my world is being stripped, with increasing regularity, of so many people I consider to have attained iconic status. People who have inspired me throughout my life, through their authenticity, artistry, intelligence or creativity, and whom I revere.

For example, Givenchy and Stephen Hawking are a type of benchmark of excellence in their fields, and personally I find there is a sort of comfort knowing my world is filled with such talent.Icons do come in many guises, but I feel, they are the type of people who have legacies that span decades, who leave an indelible mark on history through their life’s work.

A frustration of mine though is that these days, we seem to be living in a world where “celebrity” dominates our newspapers and social media. Over the last 20 years or so, we seemed to have fashioned a new strata of society largely borne out of reality TV. And to me, celebrity is about just being “known” which is not the same as deserving fame, and is worlds apart from being an icon.

My earliest memory of losing an icon was Elvis on 16 August 1977. I remember shutting myself in my room crying and crying. To my mind he exuded star quality. My mum often used to say that certain people had a “God gifted talent”. Elvis definitely fell into that category in my opinion – and I wonder if that is part of the essence of being an icon?

My life is especially filled with icons from the music world, artists whom I have admired and whose creativity has coloured my life in so many ways and in some ways has shaped my own artistic direction. And whilst I didn’t shut myself in my bedroom when Michael Jackson died in 2009 – I was shocked and saddened.

And I’m sure you remember a few years ago, in 2016 we lost a startling number musical stars: David Bowie, Glenn Frey, Maurice White, Keith Emerson, Greg Lake, Prince and Leonard Cohen and George Michael. I’m pretty sure I have missed someone out…. It felt unrelenting and made me, and a few of my friends, wonder what the universe was trying to tell us.

I feel that is the part of the pull of an icon. Their craft or work is so compelling and strong that when they die it feels like there is a void.

So as I type I’m wondering who my kids would consider icons, given they have grown up surrounded by people with celebrity status.

I have just asked them both and they can’t seem to give me an answer. But maybe it is a bit unfair of me as my daughter has just come home from Uni and my son is unwell. Their icons are undoubtedly present and I suspect they will hail from the sporting sphere… but I’ll ask again later and report back…     

Why the empowerment of women starts at home…

Every year with the run up to International Women’s Day I do a lot of thinking about what this day means to me, and it always brings me back to my upbringing and how in turn how I have raised both my children, my daughter and my son.

My mother, whilst on the face of it is an extremely traditional woman, has been quite the trailblazer through her life.By all accounts she has never shied away from any kind of challenge and has lived life to the full. She still does, though now 81, she is slowing marginally.

Born in Kolkata, India - she raised her two younger siblings, and ran the house for her father from the age of 13 when her mother died. In that time she left school with flying colours and attained two degrees in Geography.

She and my father came to London in their twenties, the union of a love marriage rather than an arranged one. She worked full time as a teacher – first in a secondary school, then a primary where in time she became the head. She spearheaded an Inner London Education Authority initiative to teach English through the mother tongue in many inner city boroughs, and lectured at the Institute of Education.

None of this was remotely straightforward for a longhaired, sari wearing, never without a bindi Indian woman. But my mother lived her early life fearlessly with a “there was nothing she couldn’t do” philosophy.

I remember when I was about 6, my mother telling me that she and my father considered me their son and daughter (I am an only child). I grew up feeling I could be anything I wanted to be. To be honest, the only person standing in my way was me.Perhaps, whilst my mother is a wonderful role model - as she was out being a trailblazer - there was little time to assuage my insecurities and shortcomings.

I know I’m not alone - I know many incredible women who question their abilities. This is why I feel female empowerment should begin at home and start early.

Maybe this is where women fall short at times; we give oxygen to our inner critic, in a way our male counterparts simply don’t. For me, it is a whisper but I am very aware of that little voice inside my head.

I suppose largely because of the way my parents brought me up I often console myself with the fact life has moved on, we live in a modern, progressive society, it is 2018 after all.

But on Tuesday I read something staggering; The World Economic Forum said it would take 217 years for disparities in the pay and employment opportunities of men and women to end.Over 200 years (!) - I mean that is almost unbelievable and perhaps very starkly puts this year’s International Women's Day (IWD) Press for Progress campaign to accelerate gender parity into context.

I had no idea that as a gender we were on the back foot, to that degree. So if anyone was wondering why the IWD’s call to action is vital – you have your answer. And I believe, as mother, the work starts at home.I feel it is our duty is to empower our daughters, and raise our sons and daughters in as equal a way as possible. I have been pedantic in my desire to raise my children fairly and equally.

My daughter is now 21 and I hope I have done everything in my power to raise a young woman who is comfortable in her own skin, assured in her abilities and knows without a shadow of a doubt that her place, a woman’s place, is absolutely anywhere she wants it to be.