Rewriting negative self talk with personal victories...
Rewriting negative self talk takes years - believe me I know. I was looking through some old boxes of photos and came across these: family summer holiday - maybe 7 years ago. These photos represent a massive personal victory for me. I know, on the face of it, it may look like I’m just jumping off a pontoon into the sea, but this event was monumental in my little world.
As a child I didn’t learn to swim tiI I was 13, which is pretty late. I had eczema top to toe so swimming in a chlorinated pool aggravated my skin beyond belief, and swimming in the sea stung way too much, though it was widely regarded that salt water was good for eczema. My mother also doesn’t know how to swim and is quite fearful of water so it was never on the list of things to do. So whilst I learnt to swim in my teenage years - I wasn’t super comfortable doing it.
The thing about self talk is, it’s really powerful. And sadly, a vast majority of us are wired in a way that means self talk often manifests itself as negative. That little voice cutting you down. It may only be a whisper in the depths of your brain but the consistent stream of verbal cues we give ourselves take root, getting stronger as the years roll by. With great power, comes great responsibility (yes, I am quoting the Spiderman film - who is btw my favourite superhero) - so surely it serves us well to turn that voice into our superhero rather than our arch nemesis?
The reality is, I wasn’t brought up thinking “I can” or “just have a go”. The prospect of “having a go” came with a raft of caveats so I ended up creating a bunch of unfounded beliefs that all led down the road of “I can’t”.
Fast forward to becoming a mother and the relevance of the photos (!) Firstly - as soon as my kids were toddlers I enrolled them in swimming classes. I certainly didn’t want to saddle my kids with my nervousness around water - besides which I feel swimming is a really important life skill. Anyway, after years of summer holidays it became apparent to my kids that I rarely venture into the sea if we were on a beach, certainly not more than ankle depth.
Now, I couldn’t tell you if it was a “their personality” thing, a generational thing or a parenting thing - probably a bit of all three. But even if there was some initial resistance, my children were always open to trying new things and having a go - something I found admirable, but unusual. So my lack of “sea antics” became glaringly obvious.
We were lucky enough to go to Crete on summer holidays and there was this pontoon in the sea, by the hotel we were staying at. It became my kids’ life mission to get me to swim to the pontoon. The thing about my kids, or most kids in fact, is that they can be ridiculously persistent. So they wouldn’t stop till I said yes. But the thought was pretty nerve wracking to me. The negative self talk was out in force - “you can’t swim very well”, “you’re not sporty”, “you look like an idiot when you swim”. I could go on. But my kids and their badgering won.
Although it really wasn’t far from the beach, it was like me swimming The Channel. It is hard, even now, to verbalise, the sense of achievement when I managed to step onto that pontoon. I then realised I’d been hoodwinked. There was a set of steps to get up and down from the water but my children wanted me to jump off and swim back to the beach.
I can honestly say, up until then I had never jumped off anything into the open sea. “Are you out of your mind?” was my overriding thought. But again, my kids’ persistence excelled - I suppose if I were feeling kind - I would say they were tenacious.
Now this is where self talk gets interesting. In amongst the meleé of negative voices in my head, there was the tiniest murmur that said “why not have a go?”....
I do not know why I chose to listen to that voice that afternoon, but after a lot of coaching. I jumped. And it was really fun. I mean - I had to put visions of me jumping in so deep that I cracked my skull on a rock out of my head - but it was exhilarating, and I did it several times.
My point is this - sometimes there is very little substance to the banks of negative self talk we build up. Some of it is of our own making, some gets stored because someone made a passing comment once and yes, sometimes people want to be negative, they want to put seeds of doubt in our brains, or they can’t see the detrimental effect their words have. But we have a choice - we get to choose whether those seeds sprout or not.
And on a personal note, not knowing how to do something does not make us weaker, or ignorant and it certainly does not make us lesser - if anything it provides us with the opportunity to learn and grow and experience new things.
This period of lockdown has caused me to really think about how I live my life - and I welcome introspection. The whole range of challenges we are traversing through including #blacklivesmatter and Coronavirus are far from straightforward. Though sometimes it is crystal clear what is right or wrong. But I am hopeful that this time of sometimes uncomfortable reflection and growth will bring positive, lasting change.
And on a personal level that starts with each of us, the way we conduct ourselves and our self talk. We are allowed to close off the negative self talk, we are allowed to change our beliefs - and whilst sometimes the changes in self talk may be small, they can be profound - and it’s never too late.
I really hope that I get to jump into the sea from a pontoon this year, though I don’t know how likely that will be - hell maybe I’ll upgrade to jumping off a rock ....
We are all works in progress
Part of my bedrock in life is finding a silver lining in every situation - I am almost compulsive about this. And since lockdown I check in with myself several times a day and say thank you mentally for pretty much everything from waking up in the morning, having a body that does what it does, having hot and cold running water, having a roof over my head to having food in the fridge - you get the picture….having everything I NEED around me. And make no mistake, I know how lucky this makes me.
Whilst we are indeed in this as a collective, the bubbles in which we live have become even more distinct. Lockdown has really distilled in my mind what I actually need in life to be happy and content; the list is pretty streamlined - and I know I am not alone in this revelation.
If you follow me on social media you will know I did saunter around my house the other day in orange stilettos because I missed wearing them - but I know full well that they fall in the superfluous category.
Moving forwards, I feel many of us are looking at how we used to live, and whether we want to “go back” to that when we are allowed to do so. Certainly for me, what I buy, what I need and how much I need are so clear-cut now. I am finding myself to be much more discerning in every area of my life - and it is actually very welcome.
Another consequence of lockdown is we are spending more time in our own company and giving our thoughts more oxygen than perhaps we would have done, or had time to do in the past.
Broadly speaking, I don’t find it difficult to spend time with myself, so I feel there are many beneficial (non-materialistic) things that will come out of this time. But sometimes healthy introspection can take an unforeseen turn and lead us down a rabbit hole and those little (but powerful) negative voices can grab a hold.
Though I don’t mind being up close and personal with emotional-me, I do find it harder when I put “self” in front of certain words: self-confidence, self-esteem, self-love, self-compassion, self-empowerment. Depending on the day, these words can make me feel really rather uncomfortable.
Of all of these “self” words, self-esteem - the way we evaluate ourselves - is probably my biggest challenge. For me, self-esteem is the deepest internal layer.
And whilst I do understand that self-esteem comes from ourselves, because the clue is in the word (!) - I do feel that initially, from babyhood in fact, we take our lead from those closest to us and form our self-evaluation, in part, through the perception they (our parents, our families, our friends) have of us. Wonderful, if they think we are the best thing since sliced bread, but not so great if not.
What I have realised over the years is that self esteem is directly linked to self compassion - how you treat yourself; and this imposed alone time has led me to moments of evaluation and I have started noticing, more often, when I’m not being nice to myself.
At the beginning of lockdown - I set myself many many targets. I honestly think I thought overloading my routine and keeping busy was the answer. Very quickly I realised - it was not. Often I wasn’t in the mood - I wanted to go with the flow - spend the afternoon reading, or dancing, or - doing nothing….I’m one of those people who will always get done what needs to get done, I am hardwired that way - and there was definitely an internal standoff between the “doing” me and “being” me.
So I was not achieving what I wanted to achieve in a day, which led me to be quite damning of myself and in turn my self-compassion took a hit. But as the days rolled on, I started catching myself and consciously changing my self-talk - to a gentler, kinder tone more of the time. In fact, basically cutting myself the same slack I would afford everyone I like and love.
And it is a two way street - when I am kinder to myself it has a positive knock on effect on my self-esteem. I mean I don’t think I’m the dog’s bollocks (I have never understood this phrase, but I like it), but some days I might be pretty close :)
Honestly, this personal inner work is an unexpected byproduct of lockdown - I like to think I do this stuff most days - but it is really satisfying my desire for silver linings.
Our relationships with ourselves are an iterative process and we will always be tweaking and quite right too - we are works in progress. I don’t believe that changes - but I do feel as we become more aware - more self-aware, we are able to hold ourselves accountable in a loving way, and raise ourselves up rather than cutting ourselves off at the knees - as we would for those we care about - and in turn leads to a healthier self-everything.
Surrending to lockdown
On 9th March I got a call from Annie, who runs Annie’s Jazz Club in Southend. She wanted to chat about the possibility of postponing my tour date at her venue, as a lot of her patrons were getting nervous about coming out. That day they had had some reported cases of Coronavirus in Southend and people were starting to get concerned.
As I cast my mind back, I realise that 9th March was only 5 weeks ago but it feels like months have passed me by. The way time can disappear in an instant and then stretch out endlessly is the weirdest thing.
I remember that whilst I was aware of the shocking news in China and Italy and some cases cropping up in the UK, I had not taken in the enormity of the devastation we were all going to face. I honestly feel in my head, I thought I could get my tour done before Coronavirus became more prevalent - how ridiculous….
Annie and I decided that postponing my gig was the most sensible decision and whilst I was really disappointed, I had some other projects to pour myself into over the coming weeks, so I just thought I’d redirect my focus. But all of that fell away quickly too - and even though we weren’t told to stay home that week or the next, the change in the air was palpable.
It was then I realised, the only way I was getting through this, whatever this was, was by relinquishing “control’ as I saw it, and surrendering.
I know some people see surrender as passive or weak, but to me it is about allowing and freeing - and there is real power in that. When I have had to surrender in other situations in my life, I have found it leads to acceptance, which in turn takes me to thankfulness and that is a positive place to be.
And whilst I have been known to bang on about it in the past - a positive mindset has magical powers. I can only imagine with awe, the mindset of our key workers at the moment.
So, right now, I do have a daily and weekly routine and I am working from home; but in truth, some days are better than others. And much like Coronavirus there is little rhyme or reason as to why.
Yesterday, for instance, I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I listened to music that specifically made me cry - really cry. Songs where I couldn’t get the melodies out as they were choked by my tears.
There wasn’t anything wrong but - and I realise I may sound like a fruit loop - I needed it. We are all energetic beings and soak up so much energy and emotion subliminally that sometimes it needs an outlet. Most days I sing, I dance and I check in with those I love, and that is nourishing but sometimes you need something else and I am a great believer that if we quieten our minds, the answer often presents itself.
I don’t believe there is a right way to get through lockdown - apart from following the government's guidelines, obviously. But I know, the moment I let go - and decided to cut myself some slack and not to focus on powering through - and surrendered - well everything felt a whole lot better.
At the end of the day different things work for different people - that is a beauty of diversity. I guess it all comes down to self-care, in different guises. And if you can make headway on the things you want to do, or achieve, go on a diet, train for something, make strides with work and look after your loved ones then bravo. I applaud you. But if you want to stay in bed till noon because you feel lethargic and want to eat chocolate and watch movies all day - then good for you. If you need it, take it.
Surrender might look different on different days and that’s fine too. Right now life is about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day the best you can - survival.
I do believe that this pandemic is compelling us to look at how we live and what we want out of life, what we appreciate and what is important - as a collective and as individuals. I know, I am learning that I am at my best when I am truly present and just focus on going from one moment to the next. I need to check in with myself regularly and make sure I’m watching over me, as well as those I love. Shutting out the white noise of what ifs and future plans is working for me - so right now I choose to surrender.
Life, life purpose and the coronavirus.
Like the vast majority of us, I am spending most of my time with myself. Lockdown is not as arduous for me, as for some of us - something I am thankful for.
I am pretty comfortable on my own, don’t bore easily - and have joked with a few friends that life is really rather busy at the moment with working from home, meditating, online zoom classes, chatting to friends and family, my daily walk and the usual cooking and cleaning,
I have found that in carving out a new housebound structure, thoughts of what my life purpose is, have been bubbling to the surface. This, and the inner calling of what I can offer and give to the world at large, not just those close to me.
And as coronavirus engulfs every corner of our world; for the first time in a long time, I wish I had heeded the cultural call of my motherland and read medicine at University, because then I could really help. But we have to work with what we’ve got, and life experience has taught me that whatever you do, whatever your circle, however great your reach - in terms of family, friends or followers - life purpose is about your personal influence - how we affect people.
In fact, it reminds me of a book I read when my kids were babies. I think the book was called “Toddler Taming” and in it, was a sentence that hit me like a truck and has stayed with me since. It was something like: “you hypnotise your children every day, and it is up to you, how you choose to hypnotise them.”
As a mother, I made it my life mission to inject my kids with an internal, unwavering belief and a positive spin wherever possible. I tried never to tell them off by saying, “they were bad”, instead choosing to say, “they did a bad thing”. Not sure I got this right all the time - you’d have to ask my kids.
But that sentence resonated in a really profound way for me. I took it to heart, so if I had the opportunity to bring joy, however small and inconsequential to anyone I met, I took it. If I could affect a positive change for someone that crossed my path then I would. Then I realised, that’s how I had always wanted to be; maybe that was my life purpose?
When I was younger, much younger, I am talking 6 or 7, life was a no brainer for me - I knew unequivocally I wanted to be a singer-songwriter - and to express myself through connecting with people. Radiating emotion was what I was born to do. But life took its share of twists and turns and for a while life purpose became synonymous with achievement. I didn’t see that the lines were becoming blurred. But circumstance kept reminding me - whatever I chose to do, or whatever happiness or heartache presented itself in my world - what I felt, how I shared it, and finding a silver lining underpinned everything.
Contrary to popular belief I am not happy all the time, nor am I lovely all the time. Life is not a comparative study so I can’t say if the sadnesses and darkness I have experienced are better or worse than yours, but I am 51 so I have lived a share of ups and downs. And at times, even I'm surprised at the lightning speed at which I process emotions sometimes, and flip my mood. I will always find the joy even if it is buried under a pile of metaphorical rubble.
Sometimes I am asked how my social media can look so happy and positive. It’s not fake - it’s how and who I am. If I grieve, get angry or upset, I do it in private. And frustratingly I am not superhuman so I do ask for help sometimes. But I do believe my life purpose is all about emotion and joy. Above all, I want to leave people feeling happier, more uplifted and positive than when we met.
And what I will say about this time we are going through is this; many people have talked about going back to normal at some point. I don’t believe in going backwards, and what we knew as normal had to change - nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has spoken.
There are things I can’t explain, justify or put a positive spin on, namely so much suffering, and so many deaths. The grief, the fear, the worry, the sorrow - it is all valid. But I do strongly feel we are stepping into a new world. And I do hope that as a collective we come through as a more thoughtful, compassionate, caring, loving race for ourselves as individuals, each other and the world in which we live, and that - will be a thing of joy.
When your body screams for you to stop and self-care...
The mind-body-soul connection. Non negotiable to my craft as a singer. I love the feedback my body and emotions give me whenever I sing. But it seems somehow I lost sight of this connection in “normal” life and was thrown into a tailspin at the end of last year when I woke one morning covered in angry, sore, stinging, itchy hives - so painful on the soles of my feet that I was unable to walk.
What was initially diagnosed as an allergic reaction was investigated further, and re-diagnosed as a severe stress response. I have to tell you I wasn’t impressed with myself - really bad timing as I was incredibly busy and it was just before Christmas.
But this three way connection we all have, is damned clever. I wrote a post about my 2019, which I suppose was a little full on; and as it turns out I was repeatedly ignoring emotional and energetic markers all year, so by the end of the year my body just took control and screamed for me to stop - and I came to a screeching halt.
For the most part we all keep going, life is always busy right? But over the last six weeks I have had to radically change the way I do things. I have been teaching myself to work smarter, which often means shorter working sessions - very odd as I’m preparing for gigs and I like to work for hours on end, I have been cancelling nights out if I’m too tired and getting to bed super early, and just paring down what I do in a day - I have realised I have no choice. And I have read more and watched more movies in the last month than I did in the whole of 2019.
When I was little, a family mantra was, “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything”. This has always been at the forefront of my mind - for everyone else, but not for me. It’s not conceit that made me feel immune, but naivety. Ironically, my immune system needs a lot of TLC.
This body, mind and soul trinity of mine is pushing me (maybe my ego?) out of my own way. As I said goodbye to 2019 and hello to the new decade I felt utterly dejected that my skin was so unsightly but apart from the skin deep superficialities; on a deeper level I felt depleted and without any reserves to draw on. So I continue to adjust to a new way of being and am slowly feeling better and stronger.
A little digression on skin issues. I thought I had put my skin problems to bed. Those of you who have followed me for a while will know I have written a few pieces about skin as I suffered with chronic eczema as a child and a teenager. Skin diseases and rashes are sadly not always just skin deep. They can be hugely debilitating, insidious and an indication of something more. They can make you feel really ill and low and have a knock on effect on your self-esteem and self-confidence. When I was young there wasn’t the spotlight on mental and emotional health, or if there was I was not aware of it, but I am finally learning to be kinder and gentler to myself and put my mental, emotional and physical health front and centre.
And while I get a little scared when the rash flares up again as it has done a few times over the last few weeks, I can’t help but be thankful as it is an extremely efficient barometer of my body warning me, taking charge and enforcing what I, as a whole being, need.
A Non Resolution Resolution...
Sassy image of me, by the extremely talented Jessica Venturi
Ok, I don’t know about you, but it takes me a few weeks to settle into a New Year so this week I am starting to get my 2020 groove on.
I have been thinking a lot about the potential this year holds. And I am excited for it. If you read my last post (My 2019) you will know last year was a big one for me. But I have decided this is not a year for a list of resolutions. I’m not massively into them to be honest. I have made them in the past and even written about them on my blog but they have always been about creative or fitness goals, or routine led things and often led to a tick box type audit of my life which is really not me and feels a little disingenuous.
Sure I have some festive flubber I’d like to lose and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t love achieving things, I do, - new music, successful tour etc. I started writing a couple songs today and I can’t tell you how fufiling that was…But I am at my happiest when I am joyful and sharing that joy. Might sound silly and overly simplistic but this is my overriding emotion. If Meghan Trainor is all about the bass..I'‘m all about the joy :) (!!!)
So why am I telling you this? Because I want to be clear on what I want to share with you this year. I want to show you more of me than before and I want to radiate as much joy as I can whilst doing that. I have always predominantly used my social media as an artist and that’s not going to change. Everything I share will be tied to me as a creative and sharing my passions and interests with you. And if there is something you want to know about my music, my interests, my inspirations - let’s start talking. I want to share things that you are interested in.
There may still be the odd personal post but only if it’s relevant. I’m not a public ranter or whinger, I’d rather be quiet in my own private space if I’m in a bad mood. I know some people feel social media is curated in a contrived way and I have been thinking about this. I feel there are many different ways in which people use social media, and maybe this is something to tackle in another post. For me, I want to make a positive impact in my small way and hopefully put a smile on your face; so If I am angry or pissed off - I don’t feel I need to put to any negative energy out there.
But if I need help or feel something is important to share I will....so this is beginning to sound like a resolution (!!) So if this is one, it’s this - moving forwards, my joy is non-negotiable - tuning into it, nourishing it, pouring into my songs and creativity and sharing it with you. I am unapologetically led by my heart in all I do and am at my best when I feel my way through life, so that’s what I’ll be doing this year x
A rare personal post
Happy Easter all! Hope you are having a glorious weekend whatever you are up to.
So this is a rare personal post, I might do a few more across the year because as a creative my personal and professional lives are pretty interwined, but this one is different as I wanted to publicise something my son is doing.
My son, Josh, is embarking on a crazy a summer of events to raise money for Mental Health UK and I wanted to tell you a little bit about it, from my perspective.
Josh has been playing rugby since he was 4. It is his lifeblood, his religion. Many of you who have loved ones who play rugby will know this mentality, but also know it comes with some serious risks.
And over time Josh has had more than his fair share of injuries – off the top of my head he has suffered a broken ankle, torn ankle ligaments, broken vertebrae, cracked ribs, subluxed shoulder, torn ACL, torn MCL, and I have blanked out the actual number of concussions he has had.
But such his love for this crazy, brutal sport – he rehabs as if his life depends on it so he can be back on the pitch as soon as possible.
Watching him play can be exhilarating. I love to watch him run the length of the pitch and score. He is the king of those champagne tries - I think they are called. But as anyone who watches someone they love play this brutal sport knows when they get injured you stand on the touchline praying they will get to their feet as quickly as possible. And when they don’t you feel beyond sick.
But I have realised over the years that this isn’t about me, or my irrational maternal worry and my worry about his physical health is just one small part of it. After suffering so many injuries and a number of concussions I could see his mood changing dramatically and whilst he didn’t often talk to me about how he was feeling, or what he was going through I knew he was dealing with a whole host of demons and for a long while, internalising them.
Nowadays, more than ever we are aware of mental health which is a wonderful thing, but I still feel there is a sense of bravado within men and certainly rugby boys to power through and not address how they are feeling.
Over the last few years, Josh has become very open and honest about his journey and his own mental health awareness. And I am immensely proud of him for planning these events to raise money for Mental Health UK. He has also asked me to join him on one of the “easier” events, but I have politely declined as not sure I am up to it!
Ever since Josh was little he has approached everything he wants to do with a great deal of determination, passion and commitment – so I wanted to share the link to his page with you.
I don’t think I have ever put anything like this up before, so if you feel inclined and I hope you do you could donate a little something. Thank you x
https://bit.ly/2UytmpH
Taking stock of 2018
4 months. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that it has been nearly 4 months since my last proper blog post. So I thought it was time to rectify that, and take stock on what I have been doing this year.
Last year I said that 2017 had been the most important year for me creatively to date, and I have certainly built on that this year. Writing new songs, putting on live shows, working on a new album, my new podcast series, About Last Night and of course, dipping my toe in the fashion industry and working on brand strategy for Amanda Thompson Couture.
I continue to be clearer day on day on what I want to do, be and achieve as an artist both musically and in a wider creative sense. And that clarity is something I am unbelievably appreciative of.
But the biggest headline for 2018 has been one of personal growth. In fact, I might go even further, and say that it is possible this year I have experienced more personal growth than ever before. For me this is massive, because everything I do as an artist and creative hinges on what’s inside me, and how I feel.
Emotion and connection continue to be my primary drivers. But, this year I feel I have finally gained the ability to be a little more discerning about how I want to spend my time and not being scared to release things that do not serve me anymore.
And though for years I have described myself as adopting a “fly by the seat of my pants” methodology to life I have started being more structured in the way I approach things. This is definitely paying dividends, especially as for the first time in a long time, I have three very distinct areas to balance in my working life: my music, my podcasts and working with Amanda Thompson, which I do twice a week.
Many people are intrigued by this new venture. And it is funny how things turn out. For a few years now, I have really wanted to be involved in fashion – but like most industries it is really hard to break into them without any direct experience, and coupled with the fact that I wanted to do this later in life…. Well, let’s just say it wasn’t proving to be straightforward.
In case you don’t know, Amanda Thompson is a self-taught fashion designer. She is an incredible talent; and creates timeless pieces from the most exquisite fabrics and the fact that she has invited me to work on her brand with her, with such generosity of heart – is really humbling. What’s even better is we seem to complement each other pretty well. For me, it is exceptionally gratifying to share someone else’s creative journey and use my skill sets in a different way, and the fact that Amanda is a gorgeous human being makes this journey all the more sweet. As for my music - it continues to be my lifeblood.
At the moment, I am working with producer James McMillan, on a project that takes me back to my love of musical theatre and jazz. What is great about working with James is it’s both stimulating and challenging too; and he is pushing me in a way that I don’t think I have ever been pushed in the studio. I cannot wait to share this album with you in 2019. I think it is going to be really quite different from anything I have done before.
And finally my podcast series. This is something that has been in my head for years – I think I may be a closet talk show host (!) My guests have made this project a triumph and a joy for me. I thank each and every one of them.
So in a nutshell, that’s my year. This year more than ever I have learnt to accept and honour my past and the decisions I have made, look forward to the future – but above all enjoy the now. That is definitely new this year.
It has just occurred to me that where I am both personally and professionally is vastly different to where I thought I might be when I was younger. But I am also realising that there is no limit to discovery and finding joy in the present moment and feeding it into every area of my life.
The power of a belief system – what do you believe?
I have been thinking a lot about belief systems recently - specifically mine. Our beliefs are not hardwired in our DNA, we create them or they can be created for us, often by family – a set of rules to live by. Woven into the very fabric of our being, beliefs can make or break us.
I have come to realise that the belief system I have grown up with is not aligned with what I think and feel these days - it doesn’t reflect who I am anymore. So I have been unpicking it and rebuilding a new set of beliefs. But having been raised in a very traditional Indian family I feel guilty for doing this.
The belief system I grew up with is born out of my family’s heritage and religious beliefs, which is logical. Luck, fate and destiny are the pillars of this belief system, very closely intertwined with fear and superstition. If things didn’t go my way as a child I was told it was my fate or bad luck - or it probably wasn’t part of my destiny.
As a teenager if I went off the rails - which was my parent’s definition for boyfriends, late nights out, and getting drunk – I was reprimanded and told that if I did something my parents didn’t approve of, something bad was bound to happen.
When I was young, I did try to conform, partly because I am a massive people pleaser and partly because the way you are brought up when you are a child is all you know – it is the bedrock of your beliefs.
Being safe, being worried of the next the bad thing that might happen and not pushing the boundaries were the overriding messages I grew up with.
Life felt contained and something very primal in me was uncomfortable with this fearful way of living. Though for my mother and many of my older relatives it made total sense and it still does, which is of course fine.
So, it has taken a while – but I have, and probably still am, building a belief system that makes much more sense to me – led my heart and my instincts - not what I “should” do, or what I was told to do.
I am still working through the guilt as I feel like I am betraying my mother at times, but in reality recognising that I have recreated my belief system and that there are many “right’ ways to live is ok.
I hope also through me questioning the belief system I grew up with, I have parented in a way that has allowed my children to create their own set of beliefs and with that, a freedom to live how they want.
After all, life to me isn’t about worry and fear. It is about fun, experimenting, exploring and living fully – whatever that means to you.
There is a Bengali phrase my mother used to say to me a lot, and it loosely translates to, “The more you laugh, the more you’ll cry”. This also formed part of her beliefs, and I was often told not too have too much fun because it might lead to sadness. This never made sense to me and feels totally counterintuitive.
I will not curtail the joyous, wonderful, happy moments in my life because something bad might happen. And laughing is hands down one of my most favourite things to do. If anything, the good times give me the strength to overcome any challenges that come my way.
Growing up, my fate and destiny filled me with a feeling of foreboding, I never thought they could be a roadmap of excitement, magic and wonder – but I do now… that’s what I believe.
The beauty of breath
Our ability to breathe is remarkable; I know I’m stating the obvious, but we do it without thinking.
We have the capacity to change our breathing consciously by - gasping or sighing for instance, but we can also affect it subconsciously depending on how we are feeling. Mood is inextricably linked to breath.
Last week, I mentioned on an Instagram post that life has been a little up and down of late. I tend to not let stress get to me, and actually I think I am pretty effective at dealing with a high baseline of stress.
But I know in myself when I am feeding off it in a positive way and when I am not - and I haven’t been lately so I knew I had to do something.
I’m sure like me you have daily practices that punctuate your day, that are good for your general wellbeing. Some people run or go for power walks, others like me start their day with meditation. I also exercise about 4-5 times a week - and of course I sing most days.
But over the last month or so these “good practices” haven’t been as effective as normal. I am doing them but they are not keeping me as balanced as I would like and the more I noticed I wasn’t feeling refreshed after mediating, or I wasn’t using my voice in the way that I wanted, the more annoyed I was getting with myself.
Then last week I realised, it wasn’t what I was doing that was failing me – it was how I was doing it - and specifically how I was breathing.
When I look to my Indian background, most of my extended family practises some sort of yoga. My mother has been doing it since she was at school and now in her 80s, it is still how she starts her day.
Yoga teachers (yogis) have known of the benefits of mindful breathing for centuries. And over the years, scientific research has corroborated these benefits. Paying attention to how we breathe is one of the most effective tools to lower stress levels and improve our mood.
I pride myself on understanding the mechanics and benefits of breathing properly, especially because good breath control is fundamental in singing.
But, and this may sound silly, I have remembered that it is not enough to just breathe; the rate at which we breathe is vital. It is related to the autonomic nervous system which controls our bodies’ sympathetic response (which is the fight or flight thing) and parasympathetic response, which is our rest and restore function, which feeds into our heart rate and respiration, which go up or down depending on whether we are relaxed or stressed or somewhere in between.
Over the last week I have been taking the time to really tap into my breath. There is something beautiful about concentrating on stillness, and tuning into breathing.
I have reminded myself that like so many things, it is not enough to just go through the motions. Consciously breathing is helping me replenish my energy, strengthen my “good practices” and make me feel like I have a solid foundation from which I can tackle the stresses that may come my way.
So now I have a new daily practice - as soon as I wake up (or whenever I need to) I stop and focus in on my breath - soft and slow breaths to start that become deeper and lower the longer I concentrate. And though I am pretty sure I knew this, I am remembering that deep, low abdominal breathing is truly transformative.
Why the empowerment of women starts at home…
Every year with the run up to International Women’s Day I do a lot of thinking about what this day means to me, and it always brings me back to my upbringing and how in turn how I have raised both my children, my daughter and my son.
My mother, whilst on the face of it is an extremely traditional woman, has been quite the trailblazer through her life.By all accounts she has never shied away from any kind of challenge and has lived life to the full. She still does, though now 81, she is slowing marginally.
Born in Kolkata, India - she raised her two younger siblings, and ran the house for her father from the age of 13 when her mother died. In that time she left school with flying colours and attained two degrees in Geography.
She and my father came to London in their twenties, the union of a love marriage rather than an arranged one. She worked full time as a teacher – first in a secondary school, then a primary where in time she became the head. She spearheaded an Inner London Education Authority initiative to teach English through the mother tongue in many inner city boroughs, and lectured at the Institute of Education.
None of this was remotely straightforward for a longhaired, sari wearing, never without a bindi Indian woman. But my mother lived her early life fearlessly with a “there was nothing she couldn’t do” philosophy.
I remember when I was about 6, my mother telling me that she and my father considered me their son and daughter (I am an only child). I grew up feeling I could be anything I wanted to be. To be honest, the only person standing in my way was me.Perhaps, whilst my mother is a wonderful role model - as she was out being a trailblazer - there was little time to assuage my insecurities and shortcomings.
I know I’m not alone - I know many incredible women who question their abilities. This is why I feel female empowerment should begin at home and start early.
Maybe this is where women fall short at times; we give oxygen to our inner critic, in a way our male counterparts simply don’t. For me, it is a whisper but I am very aware of that little voice inside my head.
I suppose largely because of the way my parents brought me up I often console myself with the fact life has moved on, we live in a modern, progressive society, it is 2018 after all.
But on Tuesday I read something staggering; The World Economic Forum said it would take 217 years for disparities in the pay and employment opportunities of men and women to end.Over 200 years (!) - I mean that is almost unbelievable and perhaps very starkly puts this year’s International Women's Day (IWD) Press for Progress campaign to accelerate gender parity into context.
I had no idea that as a gender we were on the back foot, to that degree. So if anyone was wondering why the IWD’s call to action is vital – you have your answer. And I believe, as mother, the work starts at home.I feel it is our duty is to empower our daughters, and raise our sons and daughters in as equal a way as possible. I have been pedantic in my desire to raise my children fairly and equally.
My daughter is now 21 and I hope I have done everything in my power to raise a young woman who is comfortable in her own skin, assured in her abilities and knows without a shadow of a doubt that her place, a woman’s place, is absolutely anywhere she wants it to be.
Looking back on 2017 – my creative journey…
After rushing headlong to Christmas, like we all do, I have taken a few days to reflect on this year.
I revel in these moments, not because I particularly like looking back, but I like taking stock and I love planning for the future.
2017 has been the most important creative year for me, to date. I am clearer than I have ever been on what I want to achieve as an artist both musically and in a wider creative sense.
My music, and the community I am part of through social networking, and am building through my blog, bring me immense happiness and satisfaction. Everything I do revolves around words and emotion. Words have always and will always matter to me. That’s why I love to write.
You may have heard me say before that in all things - communication and connection are my predominant motivations, always with a healthy sprinkling of positivity. I suppose if I had a mission statement – that would be it. And this year, more than ever, I feel I have stayed true to this.
A lot of this year has been about writing new music. I have never really considered myself a Jazz singer per se, though I have spent many years singing this gorgeous genre almost exclusively. I didn’t go to music school – something that has bothered me for years – but I feel more chilled about that these days.
I am a singer who writes adult contemporary music - a blend of pop, jazz and blues and I am really excited about my new release (Untold Stories, Part 1 - a collaboration with my dear friend and colleague, bassist, Richard Sadler).
It is also the third year of my blog and this year a lot of things have clicked. I have loved the engagement with followers and other brands, and collaborations and friendships it has led to.
Through my blog many people ask about my journey, so in case you don’t know, and are interested, here is an abridged version:
My childhood (I’m an only child) was unequivocally happy but the choices I made, were safe family pleasers (I have two Physics degrees and pursued a career in research, science publishing and journalism for a number of years) which is weird because I knew from the age of 7, I wanted to be a singer and songwriter, writing my first song at 12.
October 2001 was a pivotal month in my life. My father was hospitalized due to a negligent operation and in a matter of hours my life was changed irreparably. My father never returned home and died in 2004.
It never occurred to me that something so traumatic would befall my family. My eyes were open to a darkness I had never contemplated. And if I could save anyone from this kind of sorrow I would.
I was desperate in my need to find something positive because I was drowning.
Life is as wonderful as it is cruel and my children though they were toddlers, were my saviours. I had to get out of bed in the morning for them; and to escape mentally from my father’s deterioration I rediscovered my compulsion and passion for singing and writing.
I think this is why sharing joy is at the core of everything I do and as I look back on this year – there has been plenty of joy.
What I saw with my father created a latent urgency in me – to do everything I want to before it’s too late and before I got too old...I’m not sure why or how but, this year, I have learned to savour what I am doing and enjoy the processes I find myself in – because I can’t live without creativity and nor do I want to.
I have finally realised I don’t have to rush anything and age is not factor.
2017 has been my most consistent year in settling into who I am as a creative and that - puts a big smile on my face.How was 2017 for you? I'd love to know...Creativity is contagious - pass it on – Albert Einstein.
My top tips to minimise jet lag
If you have been following my socials you will know I returned from an amazing trip to Sydney, Australia a few weeks ago.It’s been a long time since I travelled long haul on my own, and I very quickly remembered how much I love travelling.I was however worried about the jet lag, as it is something I have struggled with in the past.Now, totally acclimatised back to London life, I thought I’d share my top tips for minimising jet lag and maximising time away.
Food. I am one of those people who eats little and often whatever the time zone, but I feel this is particularly effective when travelling long haul - especially if you are trying to stay awake when your body clock is telling you it’s bedtime. In addition to this, my newfound trick – which really worked, was to eat meals or snacks that mentally mark the mealtime to suit the time zone you are going to.
Hydrate and avoid the bar. Anyone who knows me has probably fallen over reading that I am advocating avoiding the bar, but on a plane this is a rule I don’t deviate from. If you can abstain from alcohol you’ll be doing yourself a favour and whilst I may sound really boring - minimising your caffeine intake makes a difference too. I feel we really do underestimate the dehydration our bodies go through when we are flying. On a plane, I’m a goody two-shoes and stick to still water and herbal tea.
Invest in travel toiletries. Dehydration of course affects our skin too and I’m not sure if it’s psychosomatic but I can actually feel my skin dehydrate on a plane, so for my recent trip I invested in travel sizes of my toiletries and I was glad I did. Cleanser, toner and a hydrating face cream, from any brand you like. I also like the facial mists you can buy to hydrate and protect your skin throughout the flight. I took Caudalie’s Beauty Elixir on board with me.
Adjust to the time zone you’re travelling to asap. Even on the plane – change your watch, your phone, everything. I used to be rubbish on reaching my destination too, trying to nap whenever I could, but I have realised that is not the way to go. Be brutal and dive into the time zone you’re in and stay awake till bedtime – even it’s early. Powering through is the best option to maximising your time away.
Make the most of the daylight hours. Daylight and sunshine help massively to get adjusted so if you arrive during the day make the most of it.
Get some exercise. The day I arrived in Sydney my girl friend and I got straight back to her house, put our gym kit on and headed out for a long walk over Sydney Harbour Bridge. I couldn’t quite believe what we were doing, but as an ex air stewardess she is an expert. It was great to get moving after being sedentary for so long and get my endorphins pumping.
Fresh clothes or pyjamas. This is something I never used to do. But actually having a change of clothes, space permitting, is a great idea. I certainly found that a change of underwear goes a long way to making you feel a bit fresher after a long haul flight. And if you have a long stopover, look into the in transit hotels. I went to a great one in Singapore airport, which I had booked ahead of time – it was great to get into a bed and have a proper shower before getting on the second leg of my journey.
Sleeping tablets and the like. I am not a fan. Some people rave about melatonin, but I have never tried it. However, I do like using homeopathy, and before I flew I was told that Arnica (which is pretty magical anyway) helps with exhaustion and the exertion of long flights. So I popped a vial in my bag and took a few pills every day – did it work? Well, it certainly didn’t do any harm!
So, there are my top tips, what are yours?
Australian fashion VLOG
(Kitx bottle green dress)
Here's my latest vlog - all about my fave Aussie fashion brands x
What International Women’s Day Means To Me
I have been thinking about International Women’s day for months, what I wanted to say and what it means to me.
International Women's Day (IWD) is a worldwide event that celebrates women's achievements, from the political to the social, whilst calling for gender equality.
It has been observed since the early 1900s and is now recognised each year on March 8. The theme for IWD 2017 is “Be Bold for Change” - encouraging people to step up and take ground breaking action to help drive gender equality.
It is difficult to say when IWD actually began, but its roots can be traced to 1908, when 15,000 women marched through New York City demanding voting rights, better pay and shorter working hours. These women were truly trailblazers in my opinion.
We all in our own way, I believe, work to strive for equality and “fairness” in all areas of our lives and this got me thinking about what inspires me about women and why I am proud to be one.
There are certain qualities that unify the women I call my friends, family members, and those I have revered through history. The traits that set these women apart are their determination, persistence and above all fearlessness.
We have seen incredible women throughout history like Rosa Parks - America Civil Rights Activist, Emmeline Pankhurst - leader of the British suffragette movement, Marie Curie – physicist and chemist; and in recent years - Malala Yousafzai - Pakistani activist for female education and the youngest ever Nobel Prize laureate.
Whilst I was never big on history at school, reading about these women’s lives and the ardent commitment they gave to their causes – well, these women are true icons in my view. Women I am in awe of.
Whilst the courage and fearlessness of these women and many others have gone down in history – I look around and see that incredible women surround me in all areas of my life.
In fact I would say hands down my closest friends are forces to be reckoned with, in a really good way.
I have friends who have raised their children alone after divorce, retrained and gone back to work after over a decade because they needed to support their families.
I have aunts, In India, who have given up their own goals to raise their families, keep them safe and nurse terminally ill relatives.
This isn’t a “mother” love-in – I know fearless women who chose not to have children, absolutely their right - and have done wonderful philanthropic things with their lives – with commitment, dedication and authenticity. Some have even ended up as stepmothers – not part of their initial life plan but dealt with the unknown challenges with wisdom and grace.
I am lucky enough to know women who even when they are low, brought to their knees through adversity – get back on their feet – roll their sleeves up and keep going. Their walks and talks are perfectly aligned and I find that so empowering and inspiring.This not me regaling about how women are better than men, I might joke that women are the more superior race – but truth be told – we need each other and work best side by side, in harmony.
And in case you didn’t know International Men’s Day is on November 19 each year and is celebrated in 60 countries around the world. The objective is to focus on men's and boy's health, improving gender relations, promoting gender equality, and highlighting positive male role models.
But today is International Women’s Day. Women who embody authenticity, commitment and fearlessness live all around me; they inspire me and propel me to be better and I hope in my small way I can do the same.
Happy international Women's day!
What are you giving up for lent?
So it’s the start of lent tomorrow.
As I understand it - and I will preface with I am not Christian, but did go to Church of England schools - Lent is a time to give things up.
For Christians it is when they remember the time Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert being tempted by Satan. As Jesus was fasting during this period, I think this is why Christians associate this time with giving up particular foods…ok that’s about as far as I’m going to go with the religious account.
This is the thing about lent though, and what I find particularly interesting, is these days lent is observed by many people, regardless of their religious identity. It feels like a societal thing, though its root originates in Christianity.
You know the deal, people give up a whole host of things – anything from chocolate, alcohol, pizza, smoking to social networking (apparently!). My daughter has suggested she may give up meat – which I will be very impressed to see. She is, however one of the most determined people I know, so if she says she will, she will.
But this is the thing – I feel the whole concept of giving something up for a prolonged period of time is really laudable and I do believe that if you set your mind to something, it is good to commit. But I am not good at giving up things.
This is primarily why I never diet or do dry January. I can go weeks without drinking, but the minute I tell myself I am not allowed – there is part of my mind that rebels.
But I do like idea of lent, so I have decided to look at it as a period of time where I don’t give something up – but I exercise some sustained discipline. Discipline – I can get on board with – and fuels my personal fire. A subtle distinction I know, but it makes sense to me (!)So I have decided on coffee. I never drink instant coffee, which is what we have at home – but even if I am working from home, I will make a point of going out most days and buying a “posh” coffee.
So not having it for 40 days will be no bad thing and whilst it will be nominal I have decided that I will put the money I would have spent in a jar and give it to charity at the end of lent. I'm feeling focussed...
So how about you? Are you giving up something for lent – what is it? Do you always observe lent, or never? Please get in touch; I’d love to know....
Why Halloween is my least favourite day of the year
I don’t want this to turn into a rant, so I will try to be concise (not my strong suit) but we are a week away from my least favourite day of the year – Halloween.
Halloween is just not for me - and this is why:
I hate Horror movies. I’m sure I don’t need to spell this out but basically I scare really easily. And given horror movies are a pre-requisite for Halloween…I am terrified at the mere thought, You can keep your copies of Carrie, The Omen and all “The Nightmare of Elm Street” movies to yourself… I do remember being made to watch “Rosemary’s Baby” years ago by a boyfriend, which totally sealed Halloween’s fate. I had nightmares for months…
I’m scared of the dark too. To be clear I am ok if it there is very dim lighting, but I need some source of light. Pitch black sends me into a tailspin. And I suppose, as a major premise of Halloween is all manner of creatures jumping out at you in the dark, to scare you –this doesn’t work for me.
“Trick or treating” is unpredictable. I would even say it’s little bit stressful. I used to go trick or treating with my kids when they were small. They used to love dressing up and knocking on neighbour’s doors, and I would take them and mask my fear. I did not want to pass my “scaredy cat” issues onto my kids. But knocking on a door and being greeted by someone screaming at you who has blood dripping from somewhere or handing out treats to someone dressed as a demonic zombie is really not my bag. Also, just on a practical level I always worry about having enough sweets and treats because I don’t want to run out. When push comes to shove, I can deal with the “treat” part of Halloween but the “trick” part is wide open for interpretation and that worries me…
I hate food that resembles body parts. I’m not sure this needs much more explanation – edible eyeballs, monster’s fingers, spaghetti made to look like intestines – just keep it all away from me.
I don’t like fancy dress. I realise I’m sounding like I am no fun right now…but I AM fun – on any other day of the year! I can turn any old Tuesday into a party...unless it’s 31st October. Of course if I am invited to a fancy dress Halloween party I will make an effort - but designing a costume that is disgusting and gory is not going to happen.
Having said this, I am perfectly happy for everyone else to dive right in, I really don’t want to be all “Bah, Humbug” about this particular day. After all, it is only one day. Although – is it really worthy of celebration?!
I'm really happy to go to a Halloween party that revolves around food, drink, music and nice people. But as for transforming my house into somewhere Freddy Krueger might live, and embracing the dark and deadly…. well, I’d rather have an early night and wake up fresh as a daisy on the 1st November… and that’s probably what I’ll be doing this year! How about you? x
Bringing back my love for reading – my summer holiday reading list…
It ‘s a rather embarrassing admission but the last book I read was last year.
I do read every day - mainly the news, a few blog posts that catch my attention or imagination - but actually settling down to read a book - well that’s quite a different thing altogether.
I feel a little disappointed in myself – I don’t mean to sound dramatic - but I have always loved to read. As a child I never went anywhere without a book; and as a mother, I read constantly to my kids from the minute they were born, to the day we stopped doing bedtime stories.
Anyway, I am off on holiday soon so it’s the perfect time to rectify my lack of reading. So with that in mind, here are the books I have picked so far:
“The Mandibles: A Family 2029-2047” by Lionel Shriver: I have only read one of Lionel Shriver’s books – “We need to talk about Kevin” quite a while ago. But I remember really enjoying her sometimes uncomfortably, straightforward way of telling a story. But I haven’t read any of her work since. “The Mandibles” appeals because it is about the American economy and is set in the future. It follows the lives of an affluent American family (The Mandibles) whose fortunes turn to nothing due to the dollar collapsing.
“The Female of the Species” (also) by Lionel Shriver: This is about a woman, Gray Kaiser, a single 59-year anthropologist, who goes to Kenya to make a documentary. Her middle-aged assistant, Errol McEchern, accompanies her; he has been secretly in love with her for years. When a young graduate assistant - Raphael Sarasola arrives on the scene, Gray falls in love. McEchern watches in dismay, as Gray changes completely through a cruel and calculated manipulation...I have to be honest, I prefer my love stories to be more conventional – but I am curious to see how the story unfolds. Not 100% sure this is my kind of thing.
“Blame” by Simon Mayo: This is about a brother and sister who are put in a new kind of family prison for a crime their parents committed. None of the inmates are actually criminals, but wider society wants them to do time for the unpunished ‘heritage’ crimes of their parents. This is actually a young adults novel, set in the future too. Again a little left field for me...but it's good to try new things!
I think I may also take a couple of old classics that I read at school – something like “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee or “Catcher in Rye” by JD Salinger.
I have to say I’m really looking forward to settling down to a bit of chilled time just reading, and hopefully I will have cemented the habit of reading by the time I get home!...By the way, if you have recently read something you loved – please let me know – always room in the suitcase for a good book :)
Little things that make you smile as a mother…
When you become a mother (or parent) I feel it is like perfecting your skills on some crazy Playstation game. And the teenager years are like the trickiest level.
Go with me on this, though I have never played a game on our Playstation - my son won’t let me (!).Anyway gaming and parenting - you’ve honed and polished your skills and become pretty damn slick at what you do. You can get to the end of whatever the challenge is at lightening speed.
Then you reach a new unknown level, the teenage years hit and you realise that whilst you thought you knew what you were doing, you need a whole new arsenal of expertise fast.
The lows, the worries, the concerns, the fears, the power struggles, the altercations all increase in frequency and ferocity. You hang on "by the skin of your teeth".
You wonder how it is that your cute compliant (relatively easy) child has become this nearly full-grown adult who rebukes everything you say and do and is just contrary A LOT. You hang on "by the skin of you teeth" - have I said that already??There are still highs though and the highs are wonderful...even the run of the mill highs and I suppose this is why I am writing this today.
Yesterday was a normal Friday. I was working and my daughter was at home as she has finished her exams. I really feel that she deserves some time for fun as last year she was unable to sit her A-levels as she had glandular fever and was very unwell for months.
So her year off has not been quite the year she had planned – it's been tough and a challenge - basically treading water and studying for her exams. So I am all for her going out and having fun but when I am working and juggling chores…sometimes it makes me think “hmm”.
Anyway, yesterday she had to go to the dentist and then had a free day…and this is what she did…She went to the supermarket, made lunch, baked cookies and brownies, cleaned the kitchen, did the ironing, helped with the supper and bought me flowers.
For all the times I wonder if I have not brought my kids up as well as I should have - they almost second guess this thought and dispel my worries in a flash.
I am pretty vocal about the trials and tribulations of parenting and how it never stops stretching and challenging me. And I can been quite critical of my teenagers - so it is only right and proper that I highlight the good things too.
Above are the flowers she bought and everything she made and baked was delicious. Happy mother right here!!
How good are you at relaxing …or better still doing absolutely nothing?
I’ve been thinking about this for the last few weeks. So, I suppose in some ways this post is my way of asking for advice.
I have always been pretty bad at relaxing. I am definitely a “doer” so when I sit down to chill, it’s as though I have “ants in my pants”.
It takes me at least three sittings to watch a 40 minute programme on TV as I always leap up to “just something quickly”, thereby sabotaging my own relaxation.
As for actually doing nothing – I am truly abysmal. I find the theory quite appealing, but in reality doing nothing feels bewildering and slightly scary.
I’m getting rather annoyed with myself, and tired, so I need to take action, but how?
Now I am not claiming my life is any more full than anyone else’s and I have always thought of being self-employed (as I am) as a luxury, especially when you have children. I can fit things around my children’s needs and make up time elsewhere.
But the down side is I can always make up time elsewhere so I don’t factor in time to stop.
I am, however, quite good at doing things for my well-being. I meditate daily, exercise 5 times a week and my sleep is extremely precious to me.
But I have realized it’s not same.
Meditation, exercise, even sleep have a purpose. Relaxation doesn’t feel that way. And as for doing nothing - isn’t that a bit of a waste of time?
There is also the ‘maternal guilt factor’ - because just sitting down to relax or doing nothing feels lazy.
As I write this, I remember reading an article several years ago in relation to parenting, which discussed the importance and benefits of children doing nothing and how too much structure was not good for them. So I suppose the same principles can apply to adults.
So I wanted to come up with a list of things I could do to relax so I have been asking friends and here are some things they have suggested:
Reading – This one should be easy. I love to read. But nowadays I rarely sit down with a book unless I’m on holiday.
Watch a TV programme or film from start to finish without my laptop or phone to hand (this feels like intermediate level relaxation…)
Go for a walk – just for the sake of going for a walk. I always have the best of intentions with this one, but never seem to manage to make the time.
Gardening – I feel this one might be a joke as I am not known for my “green fingers” – but maybe I could sit in my garden more often…with a book??
Do something restful – like sew or knit. Funnily enough I used to do both these things as a teenager…maybe it is time to dust off my sewing machine…
Cook for pleasure – now I must admit I don’t really associate cooking as relaxing these days, it is more a necessity – and I’m pretty sure many mothers would agree. But as I have mentioned before I do find baking very restful, so maybe I need to make more time for that, as I’m sure it would be appreciated in my house.
So whilst this list is not looking unachievable, I have no idea where I would find the time and I suppose that is the point.We have to make the time to relax and the purpose can be that there is no purpose and that has benefits in itself....What do you think? I'd love to know your thoughts and what you do to relax.And as for actually doing nothing - that feels far too advanced for me - so I’ll have to work up to it…