Life, life purpose and the coronavirus.

Like the vast majority of us, I am spending most of my time with myself. Lockdown is not as arduous for me, as for some of us - something I am thankful for. 

I am pretty comfortable on my own, don’t bore easily - and have joked with a few friends that life is really rather busy at the moment with working from home, meditating, online zoom classes, chatting to friends and family, my daily walk and the usual cooking and cleaning, 

I have found that in carving out a new housebound structure, thoughts of what my life purpose is, have been bubbling to the surface. This, and the inner calling of what I can offer and give to the world at large, not just those close to me. 

And as coronavirus engulfs every corner of our world; for the first time in a long time, I wish I had heeded the cultural call of my motherland and read medicine at University, because then I could really help. But we have to work with what we’ve got, and life experience has taught me that whatever you do, whatever your circle, however great your reach - in terms of family, friends or followers - life purpose is about your personal influence - how we affect people.

In fact, it reminds me of a book I read when my kids were babies. I think the book was called “Toddler Taming” and in it, was a sentence that hit me like a truck and has stayed with me since. It was something like: “you hypnotise your children every day, and it is up to you, how you choose to hypnotise them.” 

As a mother, I made it my life mission to inject my kids with an internal, unwavering belief and a positive spin wherever possible. I tried never to tell them off by saying, “they were bad”, instead choosing to say, “they did a bad thing”. Not sure I got this right all the time - you’d have to ask my kids.

But that sentence resonated in a really profound way for me. I took it to heart, so if I had the opportunity to bring joy, however small and inconsequential to anyone I met, I took it. If I could affect a positive change for someone that crossed my path then I would. Then I realised, that’s how I had always wanted to be; maybe that was my life purpose?

When I was younger, much younger, I am talking 6 or 7,  life was a no brainer for me - I knew unequivocally I wanted to be a singer-songwriter -  and to express myself through connecting with people. Radiating emotion was what I was born to do. But life took its share of twists and turns and for a while life purpose became synonymous with achievement. I didn’t see that the lines were becoming blurred. But circumstance kept reminding me - whatever I chose to do, or whatever happiness or heartache presented itself in my world - what I felt, how I shared it, and finding a silver lining underpinned everything.

Contrary to popular belief I am not happy all the time, nor am I lovely all the time. Life is not a comparative study so I can’t say if the sadnesses and darkness I have experienced are better or worse than yours, but I am 51 so I have lived a share of ups and downs. And at times, even I'm surprised at the lightning speed at which I process emotions sometimes, and flip my mood. I will always find the joy even if it is buried under a pile of metaphorical rubble.

Sometimes I am asked how my social media can look so happy and positive. It’s not fake - it’s how and who I am. If I grieve, get angry or upset, I do it in private. And frustratingly I am not superhuman so I do ask for help sometimes. But I do believe my life purpose is all about emotion and joy. Above all, I want to leave people feeling happier, more uplifted and positive than when we met. 

And what I will say about this time we are going through is this; many people have talked about going back to normal at some point. I don’t believe in going backwards, and what we knew as normal had to change - nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has spoken. 

There are things I can’t explain, justify or put a positive spin on, namely so much suffering, and so many deaths. The grief, the fear, the worry, the sorrow - it is all valid. But I do strongly feel we are stepping into a new world. And I do hope that as a collective we come through as a more thoughtful, compassionate, caring, loving race for ourselves as individuals, each other and the world in which we live, and that - will be a thing of joy. 

A Non Resolution Resolution...

Sassy image of me, by the extremely talented Jessica Venturi

Ok, I don’t know about you, but it takes me a few weeks to settle into a New Year so this week I am starting to get my 2020 groove on.

I have been thinking a lot about the potential this year holds. And I am excited for it. If you read my last post (My 2019) you will know last year was a big one for me. But I have decided this is not a year for a list of resolutions. I’m not massively into them to be honest. I have made them in the past and even written about them on my blog but they have always been about creative or fitness goals, or routine led things and often led to a tick box type audit of my life which is really not me and feels a little disingenuous.

Sure I have some festive flubber I’d like to lose and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t love achieving things, I do, - new music, successful tour etc. I started writing a couple songs today and I can’t tell you how fufiling that was…But I am at my happiest when I am joyful and sharing that joy. Might sound silly and overly simplistic but this is my overriding emotion. If Meghan Trainor is all about the bass..I'‘m all about the joy :) (!!!)
So why am I telling you this? Because I want to be clear on what I want to share with you this year. I want to show you more of me than before and I want to radiate as much joy as I can whilst doing that. I have always predominantly used my social media as an artist and that’s not going to change. Everything I share will be tied to me as a creative and sharing my passions and interests with you. And if there is something you want to know about my music, my interests, my inspirations - let’s start talking. I want to share things that you are interested in.

There may still be the odd personal post but only if it’s relevant. I’m not a public ranter or whinger, I’d rather be quiet in my own private space if I’m in a bad mood. I know some people feel social media is curated in a contrived way and I have been thinking about this. I feel there are many different ways in which people use social media, and maybe this is something to tackle in another post. For me, I want to make a positive impact in my small way and hopefully put a smile on your face; so If I am angry or pissed off - I don’t feel I need to put to any negative energy out there.

But if I need help or feel something is important to share I will....so this is beginning to sound like a resolution (!!) So if this is one, it’s this - moving forwards, my joy is non-negotiable - tuning into it, nourishing it, pouring into my songs and creativity and sharing it with you. I am unapologetically led by my heart in all I do and am at my best when I feel my way through life, so that’s what I’ll be doing this year x

Little things that make you smile as a mother…

When you become a mother (or parent) I feel it is like perfecting your skills on some crazy Playstation game. And the teenager years are like the trickiest level.

Go with me on this, though I have never played a game on our Playstation - my son won’t let me (!).Anyway gaming and parenting  - you’ve honed and polished your skills and become pretty damn slick at what you do. You can get to the end of whatever the challenge is at lightening speed.

Then you reach a new unknown level, the teenage years hit and you realise that whilst you thought you knew what you were doing, you need a whole new arsenal of expertise fast.

The lows, the worries, the concerns, the fears, the power struggles, the altercations all increase in frequency and ferocity. You hang on "by the skin of your teeth".

You wonder how it is that your cute compliant (relatively easy) child has become this nearly full-grown adult who rebukes everything you say and do and is just contrary A LOT. You hang on "by the skin of you teeth" - have I said that already??There are still highs though and the highs are wonderful...even the run of the mill highs and I suppose this is why I am writing this today.

Yesterday was a normal Friday. I was working and my daughter was at home as she has finished her exams. I really feel that she deserves some time for fun as last year she was unable to sit her A-levels as she had glandular fever and was very unwell for months.

So her year off has not been quite the year she had planned – it's been tough and a challenge - basically treading water and studying for her exams. So I am all for her going out and having fun but when I am working and juggling chores…sometimes it makes me think “hmm”.

Anyway, yesterday she had to go to the dentist and then had a free day…and this is what she did…She went to the supermarket, made lunch, baked cookies and brownies, cleaned the kitchen, did the ironing, helped with the supper and bought me flowers.

For all the times I wonder if I have not brought my kids up as well as I should have - they almost second guess this thought and dispel my worries in a flash.

I am pretty vocal about the trials and tribulations of parenting and how it never stops stretching and challenging me. And I can been quite critical of my teenagers - so it is only right and proper that I highlight the good things too.

Above are the flowers she bought and everything she made and baked was delicious. Happy mother right here!!