When your body screams for you to stop and self-care...
The mind-body-soul connection. Non negotiable to my craft as a singer. I love the feedback my body and emotions give me whenever I sing. But it seems somehow I lost sight of this connection in “normal” life and was thrown into a tailspin at the end of last year when I woke one morning covered in angry, sore, stinging, itchy hives - so painful on the soles of my feet that I was unable to walk.
What was initially diagnosed as an allergic reaction was investigated further, and re-diagnosed as a severe stress response. I have to tell you I wasn’t impressed with myself - really bad timing as I was incredibly busy and it was just before Christmas.
But this three way connection we all have, is damned clever. I wrote a post about my 2019, which I suppose was a little full on; and as it turns out I was repeatedly ignoring emotional and energetic markers all year, so by the end of the year my body just took control and screamed for me to stop - and I came to a screeching halt.
For the most part we all keep going, life is always busy right? But over the last six weeks I have had to radically change the way I do things. I have been teaching myself to work smarter, which often means shorter working sessions - very odd as I’m preparing for gigs and I like to work for hours on end, I have been cancelling nights out if I’m too tired and getting to bed super early, and just paring down what I do in a day - I have realised I have no choice. And I have read more and watched more movies in the last month than I did in the whole of 2019.
When I was little, a family mantra was, “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything”. This has always been at the forefront of my mind - for everyone else, but not for me. It’s not conceit that made me feel immune, but naivety. Ironically, my immune system needs a lot of TLC.
This body, mind and soul trinity of mine is pushing me (maybe my ego?) out of my own way. As I said goodbye to 2019 and hello to the new decade I felt utterly dejected that my skin was so unsightly but apart from the skin deep superficialities; on a deeper level I felt depleted and without any reserves to draw on. So I continue to adjust to a new way of being and am slowly feeling better and stronger.
A little digression on skin issues. I thought I had put my skin problems to bed. Those of you who have followed me for a while will know I have written a few pieces about skin as I suffered with chronic eczema as a child and a teenager. Skin diseases and rashes are sadly not always just skin deep. They can be hugely debilitating, insidious and an indication of something more. They can make you feel really ill and low and have a knock on effect on your self-esteem and self-confidence. When I was young there wasn’t the spotlight on mental and emotional health, or if there was I was not aware of it, but I am finally learning to be kinder and gentler to myself and put my mental, emotional and physical health front and centre.
And while I get a little scared when the rash flares up again as it has done a few times over the last few weeks, I can’t help but be thankful as it is an extremely efficient barometer of my body warning me, taking charge and enforcing what I, as a whole being, need.
Loving the skin you're in
For as long as I can remember I have had problems with my skin – physically and metaphorically speaking.
I think I may have mentioned this before but I had really bad eczema head to toe, from about 5 years old to 15. It was unsightly, sore; it used to sting and was uncontrollably itchy.
I was one of those children who had to wear cotton mittens to bed or I’d scratch my skin raw and make it bleed, and I couldn’t wear jeans because the rash on my legs was so weepy that the material would stick to me - I know – horrid.
With the run up to my to my video shoot recently, a number of people have commented on how I have “good” skin. This makes me laugh because imprinted indelibly in my memory is my childhood eczema ridden skin; and when I look at my skin now I see every little scar from where the rashes were.
Please know that I well aware that having eczema isn’t the worst thing in the world, I know that there are much worse diseases and disorders to deal with. But eczema can be oddly insidious and debilitating. And when I was a child my skin became very infected so I was hospitalized twice, which was pretty scary.
I suppose predictably this all, in turn, had a knock on effect, on the metaphorical skin I was in.
I felt substandard because I had this horrible skin condition that affected how I looked, and felt and consequently changed the way I behaved. My self-esteem plummeted for a long time....And though it took me a while to see it, there were up sides. Firstly it wasn’t life threatening. Secondly, it taught me to how to look after myself in a very basic way. I had to learn from about 6 years old how to clean my skin properly and be really hygienic.
And though I didn’t want to be around people as I felt I looked bad so would spend a lot of time in my bedroom - music was my companion. Writing poetry and songs filled my days. It was a beautiful escape from reality.
Also, I have acquired a resilience that pops up when I need it. I am, as you may have realised, rather emotional and quite “fluffy” but there is something in me that makes me dig my heels in, stand up and push through. I won’t say eczema was the only factor in this character trait, but certainly a prevalent one.
So I suppose in comparison nowadays my skin is “good”. I still take care of it in a very particular, slightly obsessive way. I choose products carefully and always veer on the side of natural. And I think these days my self-esteem is on the up too (!!)I do however still get slightly panicked when I get a rash or a spot (!) but I have learned that it is not a disaster.
I have over the years had outbreaks of eczema, I’m not “cured” - certain foods, pollen, pregnancy and stress can all trigger a rash.
But in general, it’s pretty good. I know and accept I have really sensitive skin – physically and metaphorically – but that’s ok.