Little things that make you smile as a mother…

When you become a mother (or parent) I feel it is like perfecting your skills on some crazy Playstation game. And the teenager years are like the trickiest level.

Go with me on this, though I have never played a game on our Playstation - my son won’t let me (!).Anyway gaming and parenting  - you’ve honed and polished your skills and become pretty damn slick at what you do. You can get to the end of whatever the challenge is at lightening speed.

Then you reach a new unknown level, the teenage years hit and you realise that whilst you thought you knew what you were doing, you need a whole new arsenal of expertise fast.

The lows, the worries, the concerns, the fears, the power struggles, the altercations all increase in frequency and ferocity. You hang on "by the skin of your teeth".

You wonder how it is that your cute compliant (relatively easy) child has become this nearly full-grown adult who rebukes everything you say and do and is just contrary A LOT. You hang on "by the skin of you teeth" - have I said that already??There are still highs though and the highs are wonderful...even the run of the mill highs and I suppose this is why I am writing this today.

Yesterday was a normal Friday. I was working and my daughter was at home as she has finished her exams. I really feel that she deserves some time for fun as last year she was unable to sit her A-levels as she had glandular fever and was very unwell for months.

So her year off has not been quite the year she had planned – it's been tough and a challenge - basically treading water and studying for her exams. So I am all for her going out and having fun but when I am working and juggling chores…sometimes it makes me think “hmm”.

Anyway, yesterday she had to go to the dentist and then had a free day…and this is what she did…She went to the supermarket, made lunch, baked cookies and brownies, cleaned the kitchen, did the ironing, helped with the supper and bought me flowers.

For all the times I wonder if I have not brought my kids up as well as I should have - they almost second guess this thought and dispel my worries in a flash.

I am pretty vocal about the trials and tribulations of parenting and how it never stops stretching and challenging me. And I can been quite critical of my teenagers - so it is only right and proper that I highlight the good things too.

Above are the flowers she bought and everything she made and baked was delicious. Happy mother right here!! 

How would you react to your child’s first serious girlfriend/boyfriend?

Would you throw your toys out of the pram? Would you be cool? Would you forbid it?

This is one of things I’ve been dreading as my son got older - the inevitable arrival of a girlfriend. Many of my friends have joked that I would not be cool… and I knew they were right.

Interestingly I was not remotely stressed about my daughter having her first serious boyfriend. It just felt like the natural order of things. But my son…well we all know the old clichés about mothers and sons!

For years I have had an extremely close relationship with my son. But things definitely shifted after he turned 16 as I discussed in a post last year, “The Anti Oedipus complex”.

As a mother, I suppose my main worry when it comes to girlfriends and boyfriends is that my children pick someone who isn’t ultimately good for them.

Relationships may come with an element of drama – especially teenage ones – but I believe any relationship, especially a romantic one, should be positive and the happy times outweigh the bad or sad.

There’s no need to change yourself to please someone else and above all you should both have each other’s back.

I knew I would have to deal with reality of a girlfriend sooner or later - and as with so many things in the lives of our teenagers there would be very little I could do about it.

So…. she arrived in the autumn. The exact timing is vague, as any parent with teenagers knows - details of any sort are kept secret and rarely shared with parents.

In addition to the vagueness, I have noticed teenagers these days aren’t overly keen on labels – but given the frequency with which they see each other - they are definitely going out.

What has been quite surprising to me, and those around me, is I have been calm and cool – supportive even.

Theoretically I have played many scenarios and reactions out in my head but ultimately my kids being happy overrides everything for me. And as is true in so many areas of life, especially parenting – there is a big difference between the  hypothetical and the reality.

I have to trust that the way I have brought them up, loved them and nurtured my kids is enough - so they make the right decisions for them.

Caring for someone, maybe falling in love is one of the best feelings I know. So I have to trust. After all, life is precious and worth living to the full and one thing that I have learned as a parent is it is their life not mine.

Luckily – so far – my kids have chosen nice boyfriends/girlfriends. And I am privately very proud of myself that I haven’t turned into a crazy banshee.

The girlfriend is lovely and my son seems happy. And like every mother I know if my kids are happy, I’m happy.   

How to parent when disappointment and heartache come calling

Things don’t always go our way and life isn’t fair - we all know this. Some of us learn this early and some of us can get quite far along in life before experiencing this.

Over recent weeks, both my kids have experienced things that haven’t gone their way - some relatively big, and some inconsequential – but as we all know sometimes it can be the smallest of disappointments that can hit us the hardest.

Emotional issues majoritively, I believe, have to be experienced because that’s how we learn. But for me they are amongst the most challenging situations to parent.

I guess we all remember how the teenage years are rife with heartache and disappointment. Sometimes I try to pre-empt certain situations with hypothetical conversations and “what ifs” but until they experience something first hand, teenagers for the most past are not interested – they breeze through life with an air of invincibility …ah how I miss those days…So as a parent can we safeguard against emotions like heartache or disappointment? Frustratingly I don’t think so. Even though the primal maternal genes in me really want to.

As a parent there is an innate mechanism that wants to make things all right for our kids – fix things. Is it control? Is it love? Is it our “job”? All of the above, I feel.

Of course, when my kids were little and suffered disappointment - cuddling and few well-chosen words would do the trick. But as they get older the stakes get higher and things just matter more.

The teenage years are hard to navigate; though I want to protect and console often my kids don’t want my help, they don’t want to be told that I can relate or know how they feel, or worse me tell them how they feel.

They want space and a lot of privacy. And, as for talking things through, well that’s what their friends are for, often not their parents.

So sadly, we can’t protect against heartache and disappointment. But I do believe you can nurture certain qualities and character traits: positivity, patience, strength, when to draw a line, becoming more resolute and determined even when it is absolutely the last thing you want to do.

As for what I can do when my help is not wanted …I go with lightening the mood and laughter…for me when my kids are sad making them smile is my number one goal.

Oh and food…I wonder if this is the Indian in me but with teenagers - in any situation – a well stocked fridge or larder goes a long way…And though there have been times when my kids have been sad, disappointed, heartbroken and down…. they always dust themselves off and get back up, even though sometimes it can take a while.

How much of this really has anything to do with my parenting skills? I don’t know. Maybe I have subliminally had a hand in a small way. I hope so.

But I do know their resilience makes me damn proud. And whilst it is incredibly hard for me - I am learning to wait in the wings in case I am needed, because sometimes as a parent that’s all we can do. 

Teenage travels - one mother's perspective

Something really weird has happened this weekend. I am really calm.

After dropping my daughter and her mate at the airport for three weeks of interrailing around Europe, I have been waiting for me to spiral into worries and “what ifs” and possible hyperventilation. Close friends and family have been expecting this too.

But I seem to be in an oasis of serenity, which I am enjoying but is really out of character and a little unnerving.

A year ago the thought of my daughter backpacking around Europe filled me with dread. It didn’t matter that “this is what everyone does when they finish school” as she told me. I never did…I was secretly wondering if I could curtail this expedition and I must admit when my daughter contracted Glandular Fever in May, I did fleetingly wonder if this was the “buy out” clause.

But the reality is that whilst she may not have had the wherewithal a year ago. This last year of school has prepared her for greater independence and thinking on her feet. I suppose a lot can happen in a child’s development in a year - and whilst the skills teenagers acquire are more subtle than the ones they learn in the toddler years, they are just as vital. And from what I have seen this past academic year, now I feel she can really look after herself.

Of course, I am not saying the irrational feelings have disappeared, and I can’t help but worry about safety, but I do believe if I allow myself to go down that road, I would never let my kids’ do anything and that would be a shame.

I think this is how I feel now. I want my kids to explore, experiment and grab life with both hands. And it is right and proper that I should not be there to second-guess and catch them if they fall - not now. But if they need me, I will kick into action, in a heartbeat.

I am, of course, missing my daughter like crazy - I won’t see her for three weeks and this is the longest we have been apart. I also know it is only day 3 so I have a way to go!

But I am getting a few texts. I trying not to bombard her with communication, but if she gets in touch I am quick to respond. And I know as the trip progresses that the texts will be less frequent – but this is my issue, not hers.

This is another rite of passage and something wonderful for her to experience. So, as I dropped the girls at the airport on Friday and I hugged them goodbye I said, “Have fun, be safe and try not to end up in hospital or jail.” Pretty sound advice from me, I feel...Maybe I have finally switched my hysteria for realism…and maybe I have finally grown up…she certainly has…  

Are arguments ever a good thing?

Today I was just going to have a good ole fashioned moan about my daughter and the argument we had yesterday - a case study in the life of parenting a teenager perhaps.

To be honest it was the “mother” of all arguments and I can’t remember the last time we actually had a fight like that, which is a really good thing. What is sad, is I couldn’t exactly tell you how it started - and isn’t that often the case with arguments?

I think it was one of those situations which started off as a bit of a joke, quickly spiraling into us both having massive sense of humour failures. So much so, that the aftermath lasted over 3 hours in which time we barely spoke to each other, and when we did, we made the situation much worse for a while before it improved. The good news is we persevered and made up in the end.

So many things went through my mind, in the “not talking to each other phase”. I was cross and upset but hate arguing with anyone, especially my kids.

I was so incensed because I felt my daughter had been mean and disrespectful…but it took me a while to realise I had actually said some things I shouldn’t have and didn’t behave it the loveliest way at all.

I kept flipping between wanting to stay angry and hurt, to feeling compelled to “fix” the situation as my daughter is off interrailing at the end of the week. And when she goes, I will really miss her.

So, I refer back to the title of this post…are arguments ever a good thing? Funnily enough, I did feel some positives came out of the whole situation and often do.

Firstly, when we had both calmed down and were ready to talk – we both apologized for hurting each other’s feelings. For two quite highly strung, stubborn women – this was a positive thing.

Secondly, whilst we apologised, we both stood our ground on what we believed we hadn’t done wrong and the beauty of older children is they won’t actually let you get away with anything.

Long gone are the days when I used to halt a disagreement with “because Mummy said so”…wow, I was lazy parent at times, when my kids were little. And actually, I don’t mind being held to account, if I am wrong and God knows I am not perfect.

Similarly the days of me cosseting my kids by sparing their feelings and not saying what I really feel are over. Right now I can be more honest and open with my kids than I have ever been before.

And finally, the best bit, whatever the age of your children is the hugs. They may not be as free flowing as when they were toddlers, but when they hug you, they really mean it, and it still is the BEST feeling in the world.

So on balance I’d rather not argue with anyone - especially my kids. But if it means we understand each other a little better, things are clearer and we are more thoughtful and empathetic towards each other - well, that must be a good thing, don’t you think?

Exams are NOT the "be all and end all"

I was brought up in a very academically oriented household, maybe unsurprisingly with my Indian heritage (!) My parents strongly believed that all successful roads in life originate from diligent study and a “good” education. So people who know me may double take when I say I exams are not the "be all and end all".

I know this from my own journey and also as a mother I have learned that sometimes life turns things upside down and what is important is thrown into the spotlight and you get that all important perspective.

Was that a little bit cryptic? Let me share with you what has been going on.

Yesterday, my daughter sat her first A-level Maths paper. This is however, the only subject she will be sitting this summer. After being severely lethargic, not sleeping, having migraines for days on end and sore throats for over six weeks coupled with hardly any appetite I managed a few weeks ago to finally get her to agree to go to the doctor and have a blood test.

Needless to say, I have been consumed with worry with all sorts of diagnoses running through my head, because as I have said before mothers, and fathers, are hardwired to worry for our children.

The day after the test, the GP called and I knew something was up. She said my daughter had glandular fever and extremely impaired liver function, which can often happen with the virus.

Whilst I was relieved to have a diagnosis, I did feel like a complete failure as a mother. My daughter is 18, and extremely strong willed, but I am her mother and it my job to look after her. I had dropped the ball.

Anyway, my daughter continued to drag herself out of bed trying to revise for as many hours possible. The doctor said, “Give into the tiredness,” to which my daughter replied, “ I can’t, these my A-levels and I have been working for two years for this moment.”

Then last week, I went into her room to find her sobbing inconsolably. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you are parent or not, our hearts always ache when someone we love is suffering. “I can’t do it Mummy, I’m not ready, I can’t concentrate and I can’t remember everything. “In that moment, I knew exactly what to do. “Right, what if we hit pause and you don’t do your exams this year? “How?” She said. “Well, you were taking year off anyway, and not going to university till September 2016, so you’re not delaying anything,” I continued.

And then I said something, right out of my own mother’s handbook, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

So, as family we put a plan in place. Maths this year, but the subjects that require a lot of learning are on hold. And I must say her school has been incredible. In fact, after our last meeting at school, I could visibly see the weights and worries my daughter had been internalising, for months, lifting.

I’m not saying that exams are not important; of course they are, if you’re doing them. And I do believe that if you commit to something, whatever that is, you should give it your all.

But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and put things squarely into perspective. Looking back on my life so far, it is the challenges I have faced that have made me stronger and defined me, more so than the qualifications on my CV.

My mantra for my kids, ever since they were born, has been “healthy, happy and safe”, because I believe if those three things are in place, everything else follows. So, I guess I’ll just keep trying.PS: And for those of you who know my daughter…we are a way off 100% health…but she is definitely headed in the right direction. 

Parental worry – do you fight it or surrender to it?

Last week my daughter passed her driving test. I was delighted. It’s a rite of passage, correct? Of course it is, as a parent your heart swells with pride when your child reaches a new milestone. And as they get older, each landmark your child reaches brings with it more autonomy. And for you – more worry.

Whilst as a person in your own right you may be a rational, reasonable individual, as a parent all bets are off when you consider any situation and your child.

I am pretty sure any parent has at some point taken a routine event, like running to the local supermarket or going to a party and with a few “what ifs” turned it into a disaster worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.

I have to say I hate this worry gene I have acquired since becoming a parent. I wonder if there’s something in the air when you give birth, because it permeates every pore. Fathers are not immune, though in my experience the “worry gene” is more predominant in mothers.

My mother is the queen of worry and it still drives me crazy. When I was in my teens, she would be quite fearful of me going out late at night, or going away with mates so much so that often I wasn’t allowed. The problem with that is, as I got older I didn’t tell her. Probably just as well she didn’t find out or nothing went wrong – that certainly wouldn’t have helped with the worry!! Although I had to extricate myself from some pretty tricky situations…In my own subjective perspective I think my mother’s worry is extreme. But having children, wonderful though it is, can mess with your head.

You can think about what they are going to do, or are wanting to do and think back to what you did and you can reconcile whatever it is. You’re chilled, been there, done that – what’s the problem? But then parental worry takes over…having BEEN in their shoes, you know what could happen - how things can go awry. You are looking at every situation with your baby in mind.

And when I am in that mindset, it doesn’t matter that my daughter is 18, passed her driving test and IS actually a great driver. Every negative eventuality races through my mind…But in reality, what I am going to do? Drive with her everywhere? I don’t have crazy protective powers, although those would be more useful than worrying…I guess worry is just a parent’s lot. I can’t fight the worry - it’s in me - intertwined with the crazy love I feel for my kids. I won’t surrender to it either, I just know it’s there and sometimes I say the most ridiculous things out loud, because I worry and then I try to close the door on it.

I know life is for living to the fullest of anyone’s ability and me worrying isn’t going change the outcome of anything.

Anyway, this year, I have to brace myself for my kids away at festivals, inter-railing with friends through Europe and my baby (17 in September) learning to drive too. It literally is never ending…so what do you do? How do you keep a lid on your parental worry?  

Five things parents do that teenagers hate

I thought I would look at parenting from my children’s viewpoint. So yesterday I asked my kids what I did that annoyed them. My son, without hesitation, said it was impossible to narrow it down to five things and my daughter; well she didn’t seem remotely interested in venting. So I thought back over the last few months and put together this list of five things.

1. Telling them what you would have done in a particular situation and how you were as a teenager. This is an offence most parents I know are guilty of. And the funny thing is as with most things our intentions as parents, are to help and impart wisdom. However, I have learned that when your child reaches the teenage years they are less tolerant of your anecdotes and helpful tips. We cannot save them from every mistake. We must wait for them to come to us. They are people in their own right after all, often with very different perspectives and as I am frequently told life is different for them, as they are not growing up in the dark ages as I was!

2. Engaging with their friends for more than a minute and showing any interest in their social lives. This one always takes me by surprise. I feel if your children’s mates are in your house, it is nice to make them feel welcome – NO. It is nice to ask them how they are? NO. It is nice to offer to make them lunch or dinner – NO. It is nice to find out what they have been up to? NO, NO, NO. They are your children’s friends, not yours. If by some stroke of luck I am allowed to chat, I’m on the clock; it is very clear when I have outstayed my welcome…in my kitchen.

3. Invading their privacy. This refers to anything that they view as solely theirs - their rooms (in my house!), any of their stuff – I am not allowed to borrow anything and the real red rag to a bull - their phones. If I touch their phones to move them this is a pretty bad sin. But if I happen to read the odd message over their shoulders then all hell breaks loose. But of course, privacy is a one-way street, theirs should be impenetrable, I have none.

4. Asking them what their plans are and keeping you informed. I have thought a lot about this one. Basically I feel they see this as too controlling and I see this as just knowing what’s going on, so if plans need to be made, suppers cooked, lifts organized or taxis booked I can sort it. I have discovered that teenage lives, social or otherwise work on a very “need to know” basis.

5. Using their vernacular. I didn’t get this memo, but apparently there is one somewhere that says this is strictly forbidden. You cannot use any word or phrase that they use. So I’m not to say “sik one”, “safe” or “wag wan” or anything else they currently say. If I do there will be a lot of eye rolling. Oh, and never refer to yourselves as the “rents”…

I have come to realize that teenager’s likes and dislikes change dramatically from day to day and may have nothing to do with us parents. We might engage with them in a certain way that is completely acceptable, but in less than 24 hours, the same thing could be the worst thing in the world.I write this slightly tongue in cheek; day on day they become increasingly opinionated and judgmental, which of course is normal. However, if I offer an opinion or judge something or someone, make no mistake, I will be vilified for it. So I wonder what they will have to say about this…your thoughts?   

The helpless parent - or What do you do when your help is no longer welcome?

I like to swoop in and help. I think I have always been like this even before becoming a mother. I like to give, fix and solve.When my children were little, it was simple, they needed me do everything for them. There were flickers of my help becoming redundant quite early on, as is normal. She learned to button her coat, he learned to tie his shoe laces, they learned to feed themselves, get dressed, take the bus to school... independence gets picked up slowly along the way.

I suppose, for me, helping my children is partly wrapped up in the perceived control I have as a parent, which I know is minimal. As my children have grown up (I actually have one adult now) my sense of purpose as a parent feels diminished in some ways.

Of course, they still want me to help, but there is no carte blanche. It is very much on their terms. They only want me when it suits them - selective help. And, of course, they have no interest in listening to my point of view.

So what do you when your help is unwelcome and you can see events unfold, not always for the best, before your eyes? Anyone that knows me may fall off their chair at this point, but I have been learning to use silence and distance. I’m not very good at this, but I have been honing these skills for the past seven years or so. I bite my lip and walk away, because when they need you for advice or something that goes wrong, they will come to you, and then you do get to swoop in and be the superhero.

Please note: I don’t actually want anything to go wrong for my kids, or anyone else’s, but shit happens sometimes and we all need someone to turn to. In these moments Mother Nature is extremely clever. You don’t say ‘Ha Ha!!! I told you to do it my way”, "You should have asked me at the beginning” or "I knew this would happen” …you just smile, handle it and naturally enjoy the nanosecond of gratitude.

I was wondering how to exemplify this and, as if my magic, my 16 and a half-year-old son came into my study this morning. Since his last birthday he has wanted to change his cash point card into a debit card. I have said I would go to the bank with him and sort it out, but no, he wanted to do it.

His birthday was September, it is now April and there is still no debit card. Anyway last week, he has said he would call the bank to make an appointment. He finally called today, got an automated message and hung up. “Mummy” he said in a really fluffy tone that I haven’t heard since the last time he wanted something ”I can’t get through on the phone to make an appointment.”

“Have you followed the instructions?”

“Yes”, he replied, there was a pause and then: “Will you do it for me?"

I smiled inside and pick up the phone, resisting the temptation to say I could have done this six months ago.

To be clear, my son is super smart. He could have picked up the phone again and done it. But he wanted my help, and I wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to give it. I navigated my way through the automated call and made him an appointment for this afternoon. Job done. “Thanks Mummy!” and off he goes, flashing me a gorgeous smile. That’ll do.

I know it is normal for the apron strings to loosen over the years and eventually be cut. And I certainly want my children to be equipped to deal with whatever comes their way – inconsequential or significant. But it is hard when, for a good decade or so, you have been the “go to” person for everything. I suppose children need to earn self-sufficiency, and I suppose I need to learn to wait until I’m asked for help.

I'm still a work in progress, how about you?

Teenage kicks part 2: Partying

Carnage. This is the word most frequently used to describe teenage parties in SW London. Although I’m sure it’s not just restricted to SW London.

I have heard many horror stories. Furniture being broken, projectile vomiting, bathrooms left in a disgusting unusable state, teenagers so high on something they are uncontrollable, comatose guests whose parents need to be called, or worse an ambulance and so the list goes on.

So, it won’t surprise you that it was with some trepidation that we made plans for a joint 18th for my daughter and one of her best mates.

The benefit of having an 18th later in the school year is that you can learn from other people’s experience and most of the kids invited are 18 and so are theoretically better at dealing with the alcohol fuelled frivolities.

So we had the party on Saturday. And I am relieved to tell you we survived and the word on the street is it was great. Phew!

The parental goals were very simple. Firstly, that the birthday girls have a wonderful celebration and secondly to avert any dramas or disasters. So vigilance was key and yes, 4 parents were at this party, sober for over 6 hours. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend a Saturday night that way?!

The only real roles you have in this scenario are financial and sorting out problems. Basically you have to be as invisible as possible until they need you. Then you swoop in and out as quickly and effectively as possible.

So this is what I can tell you. The girls planned an awesome party and this is what worked for us: 

1. A good theme for decorations and fancy dress – The girls chose “Under the Sea”. People came as sharks, dolphins and there was a lot of beachwear.

2. A venue, used to the drunk and disorderly - we booked a local rugby club.

3. Security guards, ID checks and a guest list. If your name is not on the list, you’re not coming in.

4. Good DJ/playlist – the girls spend a long time compiling the music. It was hit and the dance floor was packed all night.

5. Food. The girls were ambivalent but myself and the other mother were insistent. So at about 10.30pm we brought out pizza and cupcakes – which went down very well.

6. Luck – I don’t underestimate this. We prepared for everything we could think of but you never how things will actually turn out.

 I can’t tell you how grateful I am to everybody concerned for how well it went. Security guards, bar staff, venue organizers – everyone was fantastic.

And also, teenagers can get a bad rap; but they were well mannered and polite. And some were extremely entertaining.

And yes, I was invisible-ish for most of the night. But I did heavily negotiate for dancing privileges and was told I could dance to two songs…and I made the most of it.

So we were lucky to come out with a positive view on the madness of teenage parties. What are your experiences?  

Hurtling to exam hell

There are a number of “take your life into your own hands” conversations in this house at the moment, and the biggest bone of contention is revision for impending exams.

Long gone are days when my children came home wanting to show me the mark they got in a test. I vaguely recall being used as a sounding board for a project, or being asked for help to make palm trees out of loo rolls, but that was easily 10 years ago.

And actually I was and still am very happy with this academic independence. I know parents who revise with their children, even beyond GCSEs. I am slightly amazed at how they manage to do this; it wouldn’t work in this house.

The reason things are a bit tetchy is this summer we have the double whammy: my daughter is doing A levels and my son GCSEs.

I have learned over the years that in any relationship stepping back, thinking twice before you speak and waiting to be asked can be invaluable qualities. However, these are not my strengths: especially where my kids are involved.

It’s the lack of control in this scenario that I find so hard. It’s not my “thing” to accomplish.

Not having control is horrible in any relationship and if as parents we are under any illusions that we have a lot of control to start with, we are deluded…but a little bit would be nice. Or just being thrown the odd crumb of reassurance.

I cannot help myself with repeated “Are you sure you’ve finished working? Could you do a bit more?” And I know before I finish the sentence this interaction will not end well.

I guess my biggest fear is history repeating itself. I have come unstuck before with exams and that feeling of inevitable doom is unbearable. Hoping that you ace the exams you don’t deserve to ace. And a parent, I just want to save my children from “doom”.

Right now, I can’t think of a more effective way of getting my message across than lecturing and I know, hearing me say the same thing 6 times in a slightly different way is really annoying.

Here’s the thing. You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. And I know my kids are savvy. I’m sure they are working hard…I also believe, everything works out. We all have our own journey and the capacity to make life work for us. Why is it I can’t adopt this serene approach when I talk to my kids about exams??

So…what are your experiences? And if you know my kids, could you ask them how their revision is going…they are less likely to bite your head off!

The rules have gone out of the window...

I quite like rules and boundaries and sometimes I enjoy breaking them. But one of the most challenging things about parenting teenagers for me is it is incredibly hard to hold onto to the rules, whatever they may be.

A few friends with older children had warned me this would happen. I smiled sweetly, never thinking it would happen to me. After all, when my children were little, (say, up to the age of 10) things were relatively straightforward.

They had good sleeping routines, set meals times where they ate what they were given and I took them everywhere – school runs, parties, sports fixtures.

And if I said something I would stick to it. My kids are good… but they have missed parties, outings, TV programmes because I said those fateful words, “If you do that again, you are not going to….” In those days it was easy to stick to my guns. And though I didn’t realise it, I was largely in control. I miss those days.

Many of my friends who have younger children, look at me in disbelief, when I tell them parenting gets harder. How much harder can it be than when you’re literally doing everything for your children?

I’m not for one second saying that the first ten years aren’t hard. They are. These times whilst fun and rewarding are exhausting, and relentless.

On the days you get it right, you are so proud of yourself and the days you don’t - you want to crawl into a ball and hide…Anyway, the point is parenting just gets harder. I’m sorry, but it does, in ways you cannot anticipate.

Friends who have children the same age as mine (16 and 18) nod their heads in sympathy when I recount a particular event. Most say, “Yep, been there…”The problem is I can’t decide whether I should be reassured that we are all in the same crazy boat, or whether I should dig my heels in and make a stand.

So, some of my problems are these.

Teenagers are big and quite strong. I can’t pick them up and put them somewhere and know they will stay.

They don’t pre plan, I am told of plans at the last minute. Actually I blame social networking for this. In my day, you spoke to people or phoned them on a landline. Plans were set.

If I ask my teenagers to do something like hang the washing out, or empty the dishwasher, they say, “I’ll do it later”. If I ask them to tidy their rooms, I am told, “I like my room like this.” That wouldn’t fly with my folks.

And my biggest problem is that as children get older, they get more independent. They look like adults on the outside, but can still be quite childlike on the inside.

I don’t mean this in a remotely patronizing way. They are still your babies, just really big, especially the boys. And as a mother of a 16 year-old boy, puberty really is an eye opening experience, even second hand.

Anyway, carrying on. If they want to go out and be back late, there are huge negotiations. In fact, I’m fooled into thinking they are negotiating. Mostly, they have decided and committed on that evening’s itinerary, I’m just being informed.

They think they can walk home at any time of night and be safe. They think it’s fine to go somewhere without leaving details in case of emergency.

And don’t get me started on keeping in touch.

Every parent I know of a teenager has to adapt at lightening speed. But in the days of text/imessage/Whats App/and Facebook – is it really that hard to let me know you have arrived at whathisface’s party??I can no longer say, “If you do A then B will happen” because it simply does not carry the same weight as it used to.

I can no longer enforce meal times because, there is late hockey training, or they are not hungry yet, or they have to go to Costa straightaway because a friend is having an emotional drama.

I write this with some trepidation, I was a much more wayward teenager than my two and their mates. And I know a teenager’s job is to push the boundaries and be those strong, intelligent, assertive people, we bring them up to be.

And maybe it is unreasonable of me, but I miss the days when saying, “Because I said so”, was the end of the conversation.

The rules have gone out of the window. I’m flying by the seat of my pants and am hanging onto what little control I have by the flimsiest threads…can you relate?  

Toddlers versus Teenagers – Part 1: tantrums

When I think of writing anything linked to parenting I think of small children. Then I go to make a cup of tea and invariably see an adult-sized child lolloping in the kitchen. And maybe as my eldest turns 18 in a week, I’ve been thinking about whether the way you raise toddlers and teenagers is that different. And one of the things that come to mind about toddlers is tantrums – and how to contain them, or avoid them completely. Looking back, I was lucky. My children never had terrible twos or threes. I didn’t have to vacate a café or a shop with child tucked under my arm screeching and flailing its arms and legs all over the place. Public tantrums weren’t an issue for me. My kids are generally quite savvy, saving the trickiest moments for behind closed doors. She won’t thank me, but my daughter (the nearly 18 year old one) excelled at private tantrums. The worst was her extreme OCD for all things symmetrical. Laces on shoes had to tied the same way. The loops and hanging ends must be of the same length and size. Plaits or bunches had to be at the same height on her head or she would pull them out and start crying…I remember flipping between exasperation and just laughing at her. And the only thing my son did was insisting on going to the supermarket as Spiderman. I found this very hard initially, as I had always vowed pre-children that ‘I would never be one of those mothers’. Well turned out I was… and quite frankly I diverted any potential tantrum and got the shopping done, so anything for a quiet life. And the one thing I have learned is you have to pick your battles. I do not claim to be an expert on parenting. I’m just a parent. But retaining the balance of power or control is, I think, the way to go, along with never backing down. I used to find this easier the younger my children were. Saying ‘if you do this - that will happen’ was a relative breeze in years 1-7. It got, and continues to get, trickier to stand my ground. Teenagers, unsurprisingly, are more sophisticated. A teenager’s tantrum arsenal comprises: grumpiness, insolence, rudeness, backchat, the cold shoulder and coming home late. The last one is my least favourite as it fills me with unbelievable worry. Long gone are the days when a child kicks off, I can pick him or her up and put them in their room. My son is 70kgs of muscle, there is no way I am moving him anywhere. Teenagers are less malleable. And a DVD for half and hour is not going to appease them. So what to do? Teenage tantrums can quickly turn into a heated argument, where you both end up saying something you regret. So I guess whilst as a parent you are so angry inside, the trick is to be calm and clear on the outside. Well that’s the theory anyway. Let me know if you can actually do this!

I guess tantrums are fundamentally about having your own way and who doesn't want their own way? To be honest, if I could get away with throwing the odd tantrum, I probably would…what about you?

Teenage kicks part 1: Dating

I’m jumping straight in here:

How do you deal with your teenager having a boyfriend/girlfriend? In this house we are gender stereotypes. I’ve been quite chilled about my 18 year old having a boyfriend. Her father however was hyperventilating at the beginning. Although, he has to admit the boyfriend is… well, he's someone you can happily take home and introduce to your parents. The thought, however, of my son dating anyone fills me with dread. He will be 17 this year, but he is still my baby in my head. I am completely irrational about this, and it is truly pathetic. So dating goes hand in hand with the party scene, in my experience. Neither of my kids started partying or socialising with people beyond their core group of friends till they hit 16. Then the social diary exploded. I think I had lulled myself into a false sense of security and thought that we were over the tricky years. But the full force of parties, drinking, boyfriends/girlfriends and negotiating pick up times hit us hard and life got tricky. More on this in another post I think. I know a lot of children start socialising early, sometimes from 12/13. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, personally I feel there are pros and cons to both early and late socialisers. My view on boyfriends is very different to my mother’s. She wouldn’t let my boyfriends in the house and often ignored their existence. I, however, choose to be supportive and like them, until they give me reason not to. Maybe I should consider the same approach to any of my son’s girlfriends who may turn up in the future. Of course, I think my parenting choice is the right one (!) but would I be so magnanimous if my daughter were 13? The 20 million dollar question is, of course, how old would your child need to be before you let their boyfriend/girlfriend stay the night? Does it make a difference if it is your son as opposed to your daughter? Does it make a difference if they have been together for a few months? I know a lot of people are divided on this one, and so many of my mates have differing views from my own. So I think soliciting as much advice as possible is a good way to go. What do you think? Impart your wisdom please ;-)