Exams are NOT the "be all and end all"

I was brought up in a very academically oriented household, maybe unsurprisingly with my Indian heritage (!) My parents strongly believed that all successful roads in life originate from diligent study and a “good” education. So people who know me may double take when I say I exams are not the "be all and end all".

I know this from my own journey and also as a mother I have learned that sometimes life turns things upside down and what is important is thrown into the spotlight and you get that all important perspective.

Was that a little bit cryptic? Let me share with you what has been going on.

Yesterday, my daughter sat her first A-level Maths paper. This is however, the only subject she will be sitting this summer. After being severely lethargic, not sleeping, having migraines for days on end and sore throats for over six weeks coupled with hardly any appetite I managed a few weeks ago to finally get her to agree to go to the doctor and have a blood test.

Needless to say, I have been consumed with worry with all sorts of diagnoses running through my head, because as I have said before mothers, and fathers, are hardwired to worry for our children.

The day after the test, the GP called and I knew something was up. She said my daughter had glandular fever and extremely impaired liver function, which can often happen with the virus.

Whilst I was relieved to have a diagnosis, I did feel like a complete failure as a mother. My daughter is 18, and extremely strong willed, but I am her mother and it my job to look after her. I had dropped the ball.

Anyway, my daughter continued to drag herself out of bed trying to revise for as many hours possible. The doctor said, “Give into the tiredness,” to which my daughter replied, “ I can’t, these my A-levels and I have been working for two years for this moment.”

Then last week, I went into her room to find her sobbing inconsolably. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you are parent or not, our hearts always ache when someone we love is suffering. “I can’t do it Mummy, I’m not ready, I can’t concentrate and I can’t remember everything. “In that moment, I knew exactly what to do. “Right, what if we hit pause and you don’t do your exams this year? “How?” She said. “Well, you were taking year off anyway, and not going to university till September 2016, so you’re not delaying anything,” I continued.

And then I said something, right out of my own mother’s handbook, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

So, as family we put a plan in place. Maths this year, but the subjects that require a lot of learning are on hold. And I must say her school has been incredible. In fact, after our last meeting at school, I could visibly see the weights and worries my daughter had been internalising, for months, lifting.

I’m not saying that exams are not important; of course they are, if you’re doing them. And I do believe that if you commit to something, whatever that is, you should give it your all.

But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and put things squarely into perspective. Looking back on my life so far, it is the challenges I have faced that have made me stronger and defined me, more so than the qualifications on my CV.

My mantra for my kids, ever since they were born, has been “healthy, happy and safe”, because I believe if those three things are in place, everything else follows. So, I guess I’ll just keep trying.PS: And for those of you who know my daughter…we are a way off 100% health…but she is definitely headed in the right direction. 

Exam season is upon us – so how do you handle it as a parent?

The double whammy has arrived. GCSEs have started and A Levels are hot on their heels. And maybe this is a bit back to front in a parenting type post, but I have been thinking about how us parents deal with the exam period.

Parenting like many situations in life has a disarming way of showing you both sides of the story. As my kids have prepared for their exams, I have recalled all too well the drudgery of revision, the feeling that you want to go out and do anything but revise.

Guiltily, I remember putting in “several hours of revision” staring at my bedroom wall, thumbing through magazines, listening to music…I really hope my mum isn’t reading this… and this isn’t what my kids have been doing. Anything was more appealing at times than actually learning endless facts, figures and equations.

Now, the shoe is definitely on the other foot. I am the parent. I am the mother. I've been there, done that, I have experience and wisdom. But empathy doesn’t help here; it is not welcomed. My kids unequivocally have no interest in the fact that their parents have been through what they are going through.

So as a parent how do we deal with the revision and exam period? I know we are not taking the exams, but there is a “no fun” vibe that has permeated the atmosphere in my home, I’m guessing it’s the same for you? It is hard from this side of the fence. Letting go, standing by, watching as life unfolds in front of you is like a crazy slow motion film, which you cannot control, but you desperately hope will turn out well.

So here are a few things I do to get by:

1. Food. Maybe it is the woman in me, or the mother, or the very dominant Indian genes but food is vital. Cooking for my kids - so I feel I am being of some use and they are for the most part eating well. Food also serves as a kind of therapy for me; cooking from scratch takes time and I find it oddly relaxing...and I love to eat.

2. Being busy. I am pretty busy anyway, but during this period it is even more important. I need my brain to be well and truly occupied and challenged. I feel very grateful that at the moment my time is being snaffled up with this blog and three music projects on the go.

3. Avoid school coffee mornings. I’m not an anti social wotsit, I love meeting up with friends, although I would always choose alcohol over coffee. The people (women), I’m trying to avoid talk incessantly about how much work their children have done and whip everyone in the surrounding area into a frenzied state. This is a whirlpool you cannot escape if you are in the vicinity, so do like me, avoid it.

4. Be around but be invisible. It is impossible not to care, worry and wonder how your kids’ exams are going and how they are. So I find just “being around” when I can quite effective. My study is the basement and the kitchen is above me…so when I hear someone rummaging around in the fridge I realize I need a cup of tea. My teenagers might not always say anything, but they might. They can chat or vent if they need to and I feel part of what they are going through. Momentarily it eases my latent stress.

 Exams are part of the education system, so we all have to get on with it, we know this, but it really is no fun for any of us. Roll on the summer holidays, I say. What do you think?