Exams are NOT the "be all and end all"

I was brought up in a very academically oriented household, maybe unsurprisingly with my Indian heritage (!) My parents strongly believed that all successful roads in life originate from diligent study and a “good” education. So people who know me may double take when I say I exams are not the "be all and end all".

I know this from my own journey and also as a mother I have learned that sometimes life turns things upside down and what is important is thrown into the spotlight and you get that all important perspective.

Was that a little bit cryptic? Let me share with you what has been going on.

Yesterday, my daughter sat her first A-level Maths paper. This is however, the only subject she will be sitting this summer. After being severely lethargic, not sleeping, having migraines for days on end and sore throats for over six weeks coupled with hardly any appetite I managed a few weeks ago to finally get her to agree to go to the doctor and have a blood test.

Needless to say, I have been consumed with worry with all sorts of diagnoses running through my head, because as I have said before mothers, and fathers, are hardwired to worry for our children.

The day after the test, the GP called and I knew something was up. She said my daughter had glandular fever and extremely impaired liver function, which can often happen with the virus.

Whilst I was relieved to have a diagnosis, I did feel like a complete failure as a mother. My daughter is 18, and extremely strong willed, but I am her mother and it my job to look after her. I had dropped the ball.

Anyway, my daughter continued to drag herself out of bed trying to revise for as many hours possible. The doctor said, “Give into the tiredness,” to which my daughter replied, “ I can’t, these my A-levels and I have been working for two years for this moment.”

Then last week, I went into her room to find her sobbing inconsolably. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you are parent or not, our hearts always ache when someone we love is suffering. “I can’t do it Mummy, I’m not ready, I can’t concentrate and I can’t remember everything. “In that moment, I knew exactly what to do. “Right, what if we hit pause and you don’t do your exams this year? “How?” She said. “Well, you were taking year off anyway, and not going to university till September 2016, so you’re not delaying anything,” I continued.

And then I said something, right out of my own mother’s handbook, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

So, as family we put a plan in place. Maths this year, but the subjects that require a lot of learning are on hold. And I must say her school has been incredible. In fact, after our last meeting at school, I could visibly see the weights and worries my daughter had been internalising, for months, lifting.

I’m not saying that exams are not important; of course they are, if you’re doing them. And I do believe that if you commit to something, whatever that is, you should give it your all.

But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and put things squarely into perspective. Looking back on my life so far, it is the challenges I have faced that have made me stronger and defined me, more so than the qualifications on my CV.

My mantra for my kids, ever since they were born, has been “healthy, happy and safe”, because I believe if those three things are in place, everything else follows. So, I guess I’ll just keep trying.PS: And for those of you who know my daughter…we are a way off 100% health…but she is definitely headed in the right direction. 

Parental worry – do you fight it or surrender to it?

Last week my daughter passed her driving test. I was delighted. It’s a rite of passage, correct? Of course it is, as a parent your heart swells with pride when your child reaches a new milestone. And as they get older, each landmark your child reaches brings with it more autonomy. And for you – more worry.

Whilst as a person in your own right you may be a rational, reasonable individual, as a parent all bets are off when you consider any situation and your child.

I am pretty sure any parent has at some point taken a routine event, like running to the local supermarket or going to a party and with a few “what ifs” turned it into a disaster worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.

I have to say I hate this worry gene I have acquired since becoming a parent. I wonder if there’s something in the air when you give birth, because it permeates every pore. Fathers are not immune, though in my experience the “worry gene” is more predominant in mothers.

My mother is the queen of worry and it still drives me crazy. When I was in my teens, she would be quite fearful of me going out late at night, or going away with mates so much so that often I wasn’t allowed. The problem with that is, as I got older I didn’t tell her. Probably just as well she didn’t find out or nothing went wrong – that certainly wouldn’t have helped with the worry!! Although I had to extricate myself from some pretty tricky situations…In my own subjective perspective I think my mother’s worry is extreme. But having children, wonderful though it is, can mess with your head.

You can think about what they are going to do, or are wanting to do and think back to what you did and you can reconcile whatever it is. You’re chilled, been there, done that – what’s the problem? But then parental worry takes over…having BEEN in their shoes, you know what could happen - how things can go awry. You are looking at every situation with your baby in mind.

And when I am in that mindset, it doesn’t matter that my daughter is 18, passed her driving test and IS actually a great driver. Every negative eventuality races through my mind…But in reality, what I am going to do? Drive with her everywhere? I don’t have crazy protective powers, although those would be more useful than worrying…I guess worry is just a parent’s lot. I can’t fight the worry - it’s in me - intertwined with the crazy love I feel for my kids. I won’t surrender to it either, I just know it’s there and sometimes I say the most ridiculous things out loud, because I worry and then I try to close the door on it.

I know life is for living to the fullest of anyone’s ability and me worrying isn’t going change the outcome of anything.

Anyway, this year, I have to brace myself for my kids away at festivals, inter-railing with friends through Europe and my baby (17 in September) learning to drive too. It literally is never ending…so what do you do? How do you keep a lid on your parental worry?