Sometimes it’s good to look back

Often we think it's negative or detrimental to look back. The past should stay in the past. I used to feel this quite strongly and then I found this quote and it really resonated with me:

The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come

I love the positive spin. It dawned on me that I don’t have to shut my past away under lock and key; I may not want to revisit particular instances, but there are merits to remembering the good and the bad.

There are certainly things I have done over the years I am not proud of - poor decision-making, lack of discernment and disregarding all consequences. But heaven knows I have learned from them, though sometimes it took a while to get there!There are also memories so euphoric and vivid that I can’t help but break into a huge smile; and for me when I feel joy, I feel invincible so it is good to bank those happy recollections.

But most importantly are the times when I need a reality check. The negative voice in my head is small, but it can roar and looking back to see where I was and where I am now is actually really uplifting.

I guess everything and everyone leading up to this point has shaped me in some way, therefore has value.

Choice and acceptance are the things I try to take away from my past and I suppose the areas of my life that are most affected are my kids and my music.

I know the mother thing is obvious. But I kinda fell into motherhood - an earth mother I am not. I won’t bore you with the last nearly twenty years, but suffice it to say it has been a helluva ride to date. And when I am feeling dragged down by the day to day minutiae, thousands of memories come flooding back and I remind myself that my children are 18 and nearly 17 and I have managed NOT to kill them yet. I don’t mean to be flippant but you get the sentiment….It is really good to look back on my musical career to date too. It has been so unconventional and haphazard but it's working and I'm having a ball. And every time I have had a flicker of doubt, an opportunity has presented itself and propelled me forwards  - and this makes me smile.

But my dark moments - the heartbreaks, betrayals and losses are the ones I like squaring up to the most - maybe this is the difficult artist in me but I do believe the darker side of life sharpens my focus and resolve to live my life as I choose to ... so long as I don’t wallow (!)I do know that the times I have felt most desperate and thought I couldn’t carry on, I have rolled my sleeves up and carried on and looking back I realise those were the times I have learned the most about myself.

I’m not entirely sure why this has all come out today – maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or reflective as I start rehearsing my new material this week based on past musical loves. Or maybe whilst I have both feet very firmly in the present, with half an eye on the future, I felt it was a good time to take stock.

Exams are NOT the "be all and end all"

I was brought up in a very academically oriented household, maybe unsurprisingly with my Indian heritage (!) My parents strongly believed that all successful roads in life originate from diligent study and a “good” education. So people who know me may double take when I say I exams are not the "be all and end all".

I know this from my own journey and also as a mother I have learned that sometimes life turns things upside down and what is important is thrown into the spotlight and you get that all important perspective.

Was that a little bit cryptic? Let me share with you what has been going on.

Yesterday, my daughter sat her first A-level Maths paper. This is however, the only subject she will be sitting this summer. After being severely lethargic, not sleeping, having migraines for days on end and sore throats for over six weeks coupled with hardly any appetite I managed a few weeks ago to finally get her to agree to go to the doctor and have a blood test.

Needless to say, I have been consumed with worry with all sorts of diagnoses running through my head, because as I have said before mothers, and fathers, are hardwired to worry for our children.

The day after the test, the GP called and I knew something was up. She said my daughter had glandular fever and extremely impaired liver function, which can often happen with the virus.

Whilst I was relieved to have a diagnosis, I did feel like a complete failure as a mother. My daughter is 18, and extremely strong willed, but I am her mother and it my job to look after her. I had dropped the ball.

Anyway, my daughter continued to drag herself out of bed trying to revise for as many hours possible. The doctor said, “Give into the tiredness,” to which my daughter replied, “ I can’t, these my A-levels and I have been working for two years for this moment.”

Then last week, I went into her room to find her sobbing inconsolably. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you are parent or not, our hearts always ache when someone we love is suffering. “I can’t do it Mummy, I’m not ready, I can’t concentrate and I can’t remember everything. “In that moment, I knew exactly what to do. “Right, what if we hit pause and you don’t do your exams this year? “How?” She said. “Well, you were taking year off anyway, and not going to university till September 2016, so you’re not delaying anything,” I continued.

And then I said something, right out of my own mother’s handbook, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

So, as family we put a plan in place. Maths this year, but the subjects that require a lot of learning are on hold. And I must say her school has been incredible. In fact, after our last meeting at school, I could visibly see the weights and worries my daughter had been internalising, for months, lifting.

I’m not saying that exams are not important; of course they are, if you’re doing them. And I do believe that if you commit to something, whatever that is, you should give it your all.

But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and put things squarely into perspective. Looking back on my life so far, it is the challenges I have faced that have made me stronger and defined me, more so than the qualifications on my CV.

My mantra for my kids, ever since they were born, has been “healthy, happy and safe”, because I believe if those three things are in place, everything else follows. So, I guess I’ll just keep trying.PS: And for those of you who know my daughter…we are a way off 100% health…but she is definitely headed in the right direction.