So what does success mean to you?

Does it equate to your dream job, the size of your bank balance, a perfect relationship, what schools and colleges your children go to, or being truly happy and having peace of mind?

For me, the meaning of success has changed dramatically over the years.

I was brought up in a very traditional Indian family and one of the stereotypes was that success was defined by academic achievement and status – where you went to school, what job you had, where you lived, even what car you drove.Although I knew from a very early age that I wanted to write, sing and perform, that desire was suppressed by my family’s wishes for me to pursue something that was perceived to have greater kudos than writing songs in my journal and performing in bands.

So, for a long while I followed the “expected” path – I worked to get into the best schools, got loads of qualifications, jobs in journalism and publishing - and whilst I definitely threw myself into everything I did – there was always a slight latent dissatisfaction.

Don’t get me wrong. I did enjoy what I was achieving and of course making good money gives us choices and lovely materialistic things.

Don’t worry; I am not going to regurgitate my whole life here. But over time I realised that whilst a lot of people like to tick off achievements, it didn’t really fuel my fire and in some ways felt hollow.

Of course, I set goals and want to do my best but there has to be an element of intangible fulfilment. Something, and this is not meant to sound pretentious, that makes my soul sing.

For many years, I felt unsuccessful professionally because I wasn’t climbing a career ladder and ticking boxes. But during that time, in my twenties, I gave birth twice and nurtured two gorgeous babies who have turned into two rather impressive young adults. I know many people do this, but for me, being a mother is a huge personal success, as I have never thought of myself as “mother material”.

My other success is – my music – I guess you knew that was coming. Lots of people thought I was idiotic to pick up my singing career when my children were babies. But I had no choice - it was a compulsion.

Even though it is still not the most straightforward of paths - the rewards of creating and performing music are limitless, to me.

So I guess if you asked what success means to me now, I would say, doing what I love, overcoming obstacles and living each moment to its fullest.

I also place very high regard on emotional success and by this I mean treating people well, with kindness and compassion. Loving the people I care about to the best of my ability. I don't always get it right and am a bitch sometimes, but that’s because I am human and flawed…I leave you with this Maya Angelou quote, which could have been the whole post really, but I feel you know by now how I love to ramble…“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and how you do it“.

Pretty succinct - so what does success mean to you?

Sometimes it’s good to look back

Often we think it's negative or detrimental to look back. The past should stay in the past. I used to feel this quite strongly and then I found this quote and it really resonated with me:

The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come

I love the positive spin. It dawned on me that I don’t have to shut my past away under lock and key; I may not want to revisit particular instances, but there are merits to remembering the good and the bad.

There are certainly things I have done over the years I am not proud of - poor decision-making, lack of discernment and disregarding all consequences. But heaven knows I have learned from them, though sometimes it took a while to get there!There are also memories so euphoric and vivid that I can’t help but break into a huge smile; and for me when I feel joy, I feel invincible so it is good to bank those happy recollections.

But most importantly are the times when I need a reality check. The negative voice in my head is small, but it can roar and looking back to see where I was and where I am now is actually really uplifting.

I guess everything and everyone leading up to this point has shaped me in some way, therefore has value.

Choice and acceptance are the things I try to take away from my past and I suppose the areas of my life that are most affected are my kids and my music.

I know the mother thing is obvious. But I kinda fell into motherhood - an earth mother I am not. I won’t bore you with the last nearly twenty years, but suffice it to say it has been a helluva ride to date. And when I am feeling dragged down by the day to day minutiae, thousands of memories come flooding back and I remind myself that my children are 18 and nearly 17 and I have managed NOT to kill them yet. I don’t mean to be flippant but you get the sentiment….It is really good to look back on my musical career to date too. It has been so unconventional and haphazard but it's working and I'm having a ball. And every time I have had a flicker of doubt, an opportunity has presented itself and propelled me forwards  - and this makes me smile.

But my dark moments - the heartbreaks, betrayals and losses are the ones I like squaring up to the most - maybe this is the difficult artist in me but I do believe the darker side of life sharpens my focus and resolve to live my life as I choose to ... so long as I don’t wallow (!)I do know that the times I have felt most desperate and thought I couldn’t carry on, I have rolled my sleeves up and carried on and looking back I realise those were the times I have learned the most about myself.

I’m not entirely sure why this has all come out today – maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or reflective as I start rehearsing my new material this week based on past musical loves. Or maybe whilst I have both feet very firmly in the present, with half an eye on the future, I felt it was a good time to take stock.

Acupuncture with Sally Kean–Hammerson

For some time now I have wanted to write about my experiences with acupuncture and today is the day!Yesterday afternoon I had an incredible treatment with my acupuncturist Sally Kean–Hammerson (http://www.sallykean-hammerson.co.uk/) and I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I know I am on the “holisitic/spirititual” side of the spectrum and some people don’t adhere to alternative therapies; in fact that there are members of my family who will refer to anything alternative as “voodoo” (!!) But for me it works and I have seen results, so with that in mind I wanted to share.

I went to Sally because about 4 years ago I ended up being incredibly ill and bed ridden for about two weeks. I was admitted to hospital, had every test under the sun and saw a variety of consultants. The good news was that none of the tests showed anything untoward. The bad news was that I didn’t know what was wrong. I was weak, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t sleep due to incredible pain.

Whilst the cocktails of prescribed medication dulled the pain and in time I was back on my feet - it took about 6-8 weeks to regain full strength - I didn’t have a diagnosis. One by-product of being ill though was that my already sensitive stomach was even more so and I wanted to find a way to balance myself out.

As you can imagine there is a lot of information on Sally’s website and the internet but here’s an overview. Acupuncture is carried out by inserting fine needles into the skin at specific points in the body. These points are located along channels or meridians where our life energy, Qi, flows.

To be healthy our Qi must flow freely - if it becomes blocked, or deficient, we may start to feel unwell. Points are chosen for each individual person in order to maintain the smooth flow of Qi and the whole person is treated; body, mind and spirit, the main aim being to restore a person’s equilibrium.

Above all, when you first meet Sally you will see that she knows her stuff and is incredibly thorough. In addition to this she is thoughtful, caring and really wants to help.

I ramble, she listens, and then she inserts several needles everywhere - legs, arms, stomach, head and then I tune out for about 30/40 minutes. She doesn’t let me chat…which is incredibly hard for me. But yesterday I seemed to be able to meditate during the treatment, which was an added bonus.

Every time the treatment is over and I open my eyes, it is like someone has turned up the brightness in my head. Everything is sharper and more vivid. This is not my imagination – many people I know who have acupuncture say the same thing.

And the beauty of acupuncture for me is there is an instant effect married with a deeper, long lasting one.

I’m not saying go out and have acupuncture, you may not need it. But if like me you have minor health issues that need tweaking and balancing and you don’t want to pop pills or brush your ailments under the carpet in the hope they go away then acupuncture might be worth looking at.

Sally is the only acupuncturist I know and in my opinion she is excellent – so check her out.

What makes your world go around?

 “Money makes the world go around”, sang Liza Minnelli famously in Cabaret…and The Beatles sang, “All you need is love”.

I don’t think we can argue with either of these points. Money certainly makes life smoother and more comfortable in many ways; and love, well, when you experience it - it is a truly precious thing.

I am feeling a little introspective today – happy and appreciative, but chilled so I thought I tune my ramblings into that vibe.

Over the last few months, a number of things have happened prompting me to think about what is important to me – qualities that I hopefully have but I want to nurture in myself and things I don’t want to live without.

There have been periods of disappointment, negativity, anger, confusion and frustration - in fact there have been a few weeks where that was all I could see.

But life is funny; when I couldn’t summon up the insight to find a way forward or regain my generally positive attitude - life in its majestic, cyclical way replaced those instances with serenity, hope, positivity, joy and laughter.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am driven by my instinct and emotion. And the most pertinent thing that has been highlighted recently is that when I ignore my intuition - I come unstuck. So what makes life better for me? Here are six things I don’t want to live without:

1. KINDNESS – it struck me as I was writing this that whilst I have friends who come from many different walks of life and people that may not have a lot in common with each other – at their core they are all kind and friendly.

2. WARMTH – I’m a kinda fluffy character. I love making people feel welcome and loved and cared for and I definitely I gravitate towards people and situations that foster these feelings.

3. LOYALTY – this is a no brainer for me. We all go through life connecting with each other. Just so you know, if I have your back, I have your back…we might drift and not see each other for ages, but if you need me I’ll be there. We may even fall out, and if we do, rest assured your confidence will never be betrayed…and whilst I try not to expect anything, I have to admit I hope this is reciprocated.

4. GENEROSITY– OF HEART. My son is a great example of this. I guess it’s pretty straightforward when you like someone. But even when someone has hurt my son, or he doesn’t gel with someone, somehow he finds something positive or complimentary to say about that person.

5. PEOPLE - family, friends, colleagues and friends-to-be...whilst I know only too well that people can shock you and make you sad, I also know how a smile, a message and chat with someone you care about, like or revere can lift you up and make you feel on top of the world, or like anything is achievable.

6. MUSIC - maybe you expected this one? Music is like air for me, I would find it hard to survive without it.

As I read this back, this feels like a rambly post. But this blog is all about me - sharing my thoughts and experiences with you – mostly it’ll be about work or something that has happened in my life – but today I felt like having a chat!So I hope it wasn’t too indulgent, and I would love to know what makes your world go around? 

When in doubt, wait.

When I was younger - I’m thinking of my school and university years here, I used to feel waiting was a sign of weakness. Surely it meant I was indecisive and I didn’t know what I wanted.

I have always trusted my instincts but often didn’t take the time to follow them through to the end of a thought process. I was in too much of a rush to dive in and ended up being quite impetuous. Consequently, I fell into life decisions that in time I wasn’t happy with, having arguments and disagreements with people I cared about because I didn’t wait to let the dust settle.

But in my mind making quick decisions was linked to being proactive and getting things done, so it was okay.

I had a flatmate at university, whose dad used to say to us, “When in doubt, means no”. This turned into a bit of a blanket philosophy for us. When we couldn’t trust our own judgment we used to defer to this way of thinking. Admittedly, we mainly employed this approach to going out with boys. Life was full of the big issues in those days!

However, as I have grown older, I have come to realise that waiting can have great merit. Delaying a decision, a delicate conversation, reviewing a situation, being more measured before I decide on anything can actually be a much stronger position to take. It’s okay for me not to be sure of everything straightaway.

And in this ever accelerating, fast track, society of instant gratification in which we live – taking our time and even hitting pause sometimes can be really beneficial for mind and body.

As a personality, I can be quite impulsive, so this does go against my natural state, but when I employ this way of thinking and being, whilst still trusting my instincts, I increasingly seem to end up in the right place, in the right way.

Over recent weeks I have found this particularly pertinent at home. As I have mentioned in previous posts we are in the midst of exams. There is a lot going on, some things that I may expand upon over the coming weeks that have injected a little bit of crazy into everyone’s lives.

And whilst there may be many things to discuss, worries to address, waiting to find the right time is paramount. I have to be honest I don’t often get this right, but I am trying and learning. And as I often say to my kids, “If you can’t think of something positive to say, don’t say anything at all.” Hard to do, but this is a great example of waiting…The other area, in which I am trying to teach myself to wait - is shopping. Bear with me here. It is no secret that I am an ardent shopper. I love fashion and all things beautiful. But, at the start of the year, I decided I wanted to curb my spending on frivolous things. After all, there are only 7 days in the week, so there is a limit to how many clothes I can actually wear.And the funny thing here is that delayed gratification feels much more rewarding that the instant variety. Waiting a while to see if I really want something makes me happier. I make a slow, informed decision - and it is better for my bank balance, for which I am also very grateful. I know this is a superficial example, but the mindset permeates so many areas of my life these days, in a really good way.

I’m not saying for one minute, sit back and wait for life to happen around you. Life is for living to the full and I believe we should grab it with both hands, as we rarely know what is around the next corner. But sometimes biding your time, waiting, puts you in a better position; one that you might not have seen if you just jumped in - and that is a wonderful thing.         

When a quick fix doesn’t cut it: or how an illness led me to Michelle Roques O’Neil

(Michelle Roques O'Neil)

A few years ago, I got virus that resulted in me being bed ridden for about 2 weeks, it then took another 6 weeks to regain any kind of normality, I had been zapped of my life force, or so it felt. I saw several doctors, popped every pill prescribed and had every test under the sun. I need to be fixed, and quickly.

The good news is all the tests were normal, there was nothing wrong with me; the bad news was no one could tell me what had happened. As I improved, one of the doctors suggested it could have been stress induced. But being in so much pain that I was confined to my bed, because of stress seemed ridiculous.

I have always believed in the mind, body and soul connection. There has been much scientific evidence that emotional experiences have a real effect on our physiology. And traditional Chinese medicine says that different organs represent different emotions.

Anyway, the point is I had experienced something which conventional medicine couldn’t answer. My body shut down and took its’ own sweet time to reboot. I wanted a way forward to guard against a similar episode; I felt I needed a longer lasting solution.

I am a great believer that life gives you what you need. About two years before my crazy virus I had read about a lady called Michelle Roques O’Neil. I read the article and unusually, after a few weeks, I didn’t put the magazine into the recycling, I kept coming back to it.

Eventually I picked up the phone and spoke to Michelle. A lot of what she said resonated with me, so I booked an appointment.

To say, Michelle is an aromatherapist and massage therapist who has counseling qualifications is accurate. She combines oils, acupressure and reiki to tune into the physical and emotional states of her clients. But in truth this doesn’t really scratch the surface.

She is warm and easy to trust. She is a healer, a very proactive one. She compassionately finds the possible roots to dissatisfaction, sadness, resentment, anger, hurt and stress that you may have buried so deep that you were not aware of them and gives you tools to improve yourself from the inside out.

She helps you strip away negative emotions, superficialities and insecurities to be a more authentic you. Even if like me you thought you were fine and nothing was really wrong. Michelle helps in subtle yet profound ways. And yes, she is an awesome massage therapist and facialist.

It is true that someone else being a sounding board often highlights issues in your life that you could not see before. Objectivity is hard when you are being subjective. Michelle has taught me balance and putting myself first, which I have never been very good at. I leave an appointment feeling rejuvenated and energized with a clearer vision – emotionally and mentally.

In this world of quick fixes, many of us are increasingly looking for answers and ways of living that are more meaningful, long lasting and nourishing. People I wouldn’t have thought of as spiritually aware are turning to meditation, journals and yoga.

I personally recognise the joy of a quick fix to make myself feel good or less stressed – a manicure, a new pair of shoes or a glass of prosecco or two, and Michelle would encourage these little joys. But we could also recognize them as temporary and balance them with something more nurturing and long term to keep us well and happy.

I am sure I will write about my friend and mentor Michelle Roques O’Neil again. But in the meantime, if you want to check her out please take a look at her website where you can discover her world http://www.roquesoneil.com/ 

Beliefs – Friend or foe? What do you believe?

There is a proverb that has been imprinted on my brain since I was a child. Very loosely translated from Bengali, it is

"However much you laugh is how much you’ll cry."

The phrase sounds beautiful in Bengali but has always struck me as such an odd thing to say. When I was growing up, it was sometimes used by my mother as a warning.

Even if I employ my rational brain and think about Newton's 3rd law - every action has an equal and opposite reaction - I still don’t understand why we would be told not to have too much fun. In case something bad happens? That seems fearful.

This got me thinking about the things we are told and the weight of a belief. Beliefs can empower or decimate instantly, often in quite a surreptitious way. For example, my family is huge and, for the most part, very traditional. Whilst there was great love in our home, there was not a lot of praise. It was frowned upon, the belief was that it would breed arrogance. Humility was the way to go, and whilst I agree that it is a wonderful quality, the things that people say (and how they say them) can stay with you forever. When I was a teenager I was told quite forcefully once that I was a failure. The whys and wherefores aren’t relevant here, but it has stayed with me forever.

There are always people in our lives, often those closest to us, whose words matter, whose beliefs we take as gospel. This is wonderful if the beliefs raise us up, not if they put you down. For many people, beliefs are linked to religion, which, combined with tradition and culture, was heavily intertwined in the way I was brought up. Despite my relationship with God being very up and down, I respect all religions and faith (as long as they do no harm). I do believe there is something more than flesh and bone. I believe in the soul and inexplicable connections. I believe there is more.

And I have to say: I don’t believe that "God" or any kind of higher order that would want us to have a detrimental effect on people or to put a negative spin on happiness and laughter.

I have always been accepting of life's ups and downs, I am prepared to take the rough spots if I can have the moments of euphoria. In fact I believe that the way we deal with low points and challenges in life is what defines us. So I’m going to keep laughing and being happy, and if that has to be balanced with sadness then I am prepared to shed the odd tear.

How about you? What do you believe? Do your beliefs empower you, or are building yourself up after falling prey to unfounded beliefs?