When being kind – don’t forget about yourself

 I have had a revelation this December. If you have been following my social networking you will know I have been socialising a little more than I normally do.

It turns out that burning many candles at both ends is actually exceptional fun and I love it and I have experienced an interesting by-product.

To survive this party season I have had to be kinder to myself - something I am not terribly good at.

Like many people I know, I feel I am pretty good at being kind to others – complimenting them, raising them up, assessing their needs, and telling them what to do for the best in a certain situation.

If someone I care about has had a bad day or is feeling upset I have no problem dropping everything to help them, listen or empathise. I feel compelled to find a way to make them feel better.

But it wouldn’t cross my mind to do this for myself. Why is it so much harder to be kind to ourselves?

So funnily enough - partying, working and doing the normal household stuff has forced me to cut myself a little slack.

Here are some of the ways I am being kind to me.

Physical kindness:

To me, this is covering the basics – looking after yourself physically. After all, we only have one body – so it makes sense to take good care of it.

To some extent, I am quite good at this. Even if I have been out eating and drinking late, I tend to redress the balance the next day by eating lots of healthy food and drinking masses of water – dehydration is a killer – especially after a lot of alcohol!

I also make myself exercise – I cannot emphasis the benefits of this – even if only for 15 minutes - getting hot and sweaty coupled with the endorphins rush works wonders!

However…the bits I am not so good at are - resting, sleeping in, and taking breaks to release the stresses of the day – I am a self-confessed “Queen of powering through”. And I often have to remind myself of the benefits of relaxing and slowing down.

I would like to point out however, resting and doing less in a day is not me giving myself permission to be a complete slacker - but sometimes cutting myself a bit of slack.

Mental kindness:

The most important way of being kind to yourself mentally, I have discovered is silencing your inner voice. I have an inner voice that can be quite lovely. But that’s not the one I’m talking about.

You know the one, we all have our version – the inner voice that berates and highlights all the ways we have fallen short.

The voice in my head focuses on the “I should haves’ and judgement reigns supreme.

Now I am not saying that going out for a few weeks has silenced my (at times detrimental) inner voice but I have chosen not to listen to it or give it as much power. For me, this is a big mental victory.

So being kind to myself has many more merits than I realised and I have decided for the New Year that it is something that I’m going to nurture…I suppose like so many things, it is a question of balance…How about you? How good are you at being kind to yourself?  

So what does success mean to you?

Does it equate to your dream job, the size of your bank balance, a perfect relationship, what schools and colleges your children go to, or being truly happy and having peace of mind?

For me, the meaning of success has changed dramatically over the years.

I was brought up in a very traditional Indian family and one of the stereotypes was that success was defined by academic achievement and status – where you went to school, what job you had, where you lived, even what car you drove.Although I knew from a very early age that I wanted to write, sing and perform, that desire was suppressed by my family’s wishes for me to pursue something that was perceived to have greater kudos than writing songs in my journal and performing in bands.

So, for a long while I followed the “expected” path – I worked to get into the best schools, got loads of qualifications, jobs in journalism and publishing - and whilst I definitely threw myself into everything I did – there was always a slight latent dissatisfaction.

Don’t get me wrong. I did enjoy what I was achieving and of course making good money gives us choices and lovely materialistic things.

Don’t worry; I am not going to regurgitate my whole life here. But over time I realised that whilst a lot of people like to tick off achievements, it didn’t really fuel my fire and in some ways felt hollow.

Of course, I set goals and want to do my best but there has to be an element of intangible fulfilment. Something, and this is not meant to sound pretentious, that makes my soul sing.

For many years, I felt unsuccessful professionally because I wasn’t climbing a career ladder and ticking boxes. But during that time, in my twenties, I gave birth twice and nurtured two gorgeous babies who have turned into two rather impressive young adults. I know many people do this, but for me, being a mother is a huge personal success, as I have never thought of myself as “mother material”.

My other success is – my music – I guess you knew that was coming. Lots of people thought I was idiotic to pick up my singing career when my children were babies. But I had no choice - it was a compulsion.

Even though it is still not the most straightforward of paths - the rewards of creating and performing music are limitless, to me.

So I guess if you asked what success means to me now, I would say, doing what I love, overcoming obstacles and living each moment to its fullest.

I also place very high regard on emotional success and by this I mean treating people well, with kindness and compassion. Loving the people I care about to the best of my ability. I don't always get it right and am a bitch sometimes, but that’s because I am human and flawed…I leave you with this Maya Angelou quote, which could have been the whole post really, but I feel you know by now how I love to ramble…“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and how you do it“.

Pretty succinct - so what does success mean to you?

What makes your world go around?

 “Money makes the world go around”, sang Liza Minnelli famously in Cabaret…and The Beatles sang, “All you need is love”.

I don’t think we can argue with either of these points. Money certainly makes life smoother and more comfortable in many ways; and love, well, when you experience it - it is a truly precious thing.

I am feeling a little introspective today – happy and appreciative, but chilled so I thought I tune my ramblings into that vibe.

Over the last few months, a number of things have happened prompting me to think about what is important to me – qualities that I hopefully have but I want to nurture in myself and things I don’t want to live without.

There have been periods of disappointment, negativity, anger, confusion and frustration - in fact there have been a few weeks where that was all I could see.

But life is funny; when I couldn’t summon up the insight to find a way forward or regain my generally positive attitude - life in its majestic, cyclical way replaced those instances with serenity, hope, positivity, joy and laughter.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am driven by my instinct and emotion. And the most pertinent thing that has been highlighted recently is that when I ignore my intuition - I come unstuck. So what makes life better for me? Here are six things I don’t want to live without:

1. KINDNESS – it struck me as I was writing this that whilst I have friends who come from many different walks of life and people that may not have a lot in common with each other – at their core they are all kind and friendly.

2. WARMTH – I’m a kinda fluffy character. I love making people feel welcome and loved and cared for and I definitely I gravitate towards people and situations that foster these feelings.

3. LOYALTY – this is a no brainer for me. We all go through life connecting with each other. Just so you know, if I have your back, I have your back…we might drift and not see each other for ages, but if you need me I’ll be there. We may even fall out, and if we do, rest assured your confidence will never be betrayed…and whilst I try not to expect anything, I have to admit I hope this is reciprocated.

4. GENEROSITY– OF HEART. My son is a great example of this. I guess it’s pretty straightforward when you like someone. But even when someone has hurt my son, or he doesn’t gel with someone, somehow he finds something positive or complimentary to say about that person.

5. PEOPLE - family, friends, colleagues and friends-to-be...whilst I know only too well that people can shock you and make you sad, I also know how a smile, a message and chat with someone you care about, like or revere can lift you up and make you feel on top of the world, or like anything is achievable.

6. MUSIC - maybe you expected this one? Music is like air for me, I would find it hard to survive without it.

As I read this back, this feels like a rambly post. But this blog is all about me - sharing my thoughts and experiences with you – mostly it’ll be about work or something that has happened in my life – but today I felt like having a chat!So I hope it wasn’t too indulgent, and I would love to know what makes your world go around?