The nerves curve

I always get nervous, before a recording, performance and even before I meet new people sometimes.

You see I am quite shy. I suspect a few people are rolling their eyes and I have one particular mate (who lives in Sydney) who is probably spluttering on his red wine if he is reading this! But I am and I have recognized growing up that being shy is not conducive to my chosen path, so I have trained myself not to be…However, nervousness is a different ball game. It seems to be more elusive. And though I have tried, I can’t eradicate my nerves.

But I have noticed over the years that my brain follows a pattern - what I call my nerves curve. And I’d be really interested to know if this is the same for everyone.

So, the phases of my nerves curve – firstly huge excitement about performing - there is nothing I would rather do.

This is closely followed by severe over thinking, learning and relearning till everything becomes like second nature. I was recently told to chill - in this phase there is no chilling...Then at the peak of the nerves curve – I forget everything. I always have a moment when everything vanishes from my brain - lyrics, melody, phrasing, and interpretation.

Then I panic and wonder why I have put all this work in. I practise a little harder and nothing works. So, I have to leave all alone. When I revisit it, everything is back.

After this, any nerves fall away very quickly and the focus becomes about being as authentic as I can be and communicating what I want to say. Anticipation takes over and I can’t wait to do what it is I have been working towards.

Then just before I go on stage I forget everything again and sometimes even shake. I don’t feel nervous but it is like a delayed reaction - as though my body has caught up with my brain.

I have had to learn to trust myself because when I open my mouth the right melody and lyrics seem to fall out…well, most of the time!

My earliest recollection of this pattern was when I was 11. We were performing a musical called “Once upon a mattress” – based on “The Princess and the Pea” at school.

I was the court Minstrel who narrated and sang throughout the play. Whilst preparing for the role, I went through all the phases I’ve described.

The tricky bit was the beginning of the play. It started with me on the stage alone singing, without accompaniment for about 16 bars.

I remember standing on the school stage looking out and seeing everyone waiting, about 1000 people in total…and I think my mother had her head in her hands (!)

I waited longer than planned but once I opened my mouth, my legs stopped shaking and pure enjoyment took over.

I have always assumed this cycle is particular to me. And I suppose nervousness can affect us in many different situations…. what about you? When do you feel nervous and how do you overcome it?   

What makes your world go around?

 “Money makes the world go around”, sang Liza Minnelli famously in Cabaret…and The Beatles sang, “All you need is love”.

I don’t think we can argue with either of these points. Money certainly makes life smoother and more comfortable in many ways; and love, well, when you experience it - it is a truly precious thing.

I am feeling a little introspective today – happy and appreciative, but chilled so I thought I tune my ramblings into that vibe.

Over the last few months, a number of things have happened prompting me to think about what is important to me – qualities that I hopefully have but I want to nurture in myself and things I don’t want to live without.

There have been periods of disappointment, negativity, anger, confusion and frustration - in fact there have been a few weeks where that was all I could see.

But life is funny; when I couldn’t summon up the insight to find a way forward or regain my generally positive attitude - life in its majestic, cyclical way replaced those instances with serenity, hope, positivity, joy and laughter.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am driven by my instinct and emotion. And the most pertinent thing that has been highlighted recently is that when I ignore my intuition - I come unstuck. So what makes life better for me? Here are six things I don’t want to live without:

1. KINDNESS – it struck me as I was writing this that whilst I have friends who come from many different walks of life and people that may not have a lot in common with each other – at their core they are all kind and friendly.

2. WARMTH – I’m a kinda fluffy character. I love making people feel welcome and loved and cared for and I definitely I gravitate towards people and situations that foster these feelings.

3. LOYALTY – this is a no brainer for me. We all go through life connecting with each other. Just so you know, if I have your back, I have your back…we might drift and not see each other for ages, but if you need me I’ll be there. We may even fall out, and if we do, rest assured your confidence will never be betrayed…and whilst I try not to expect anything, I have to admit I hope this is reciprocated.

4. GENEROSITY– OF HEART. My son is a great example of this. I guess it’s pretty straightforward when you like someone. But even when someone has hurt my son, or he doesn’t gel with someone, somehow he finds something positive or complimentary to say about that person.

5. PEOPLE - family, friends, colleagues and friends-to-be...whilst I know only too well that people can shock you and make you sad, I also know how a smile, a message and chat with someone you care about, like or revere can lift you up and make you feel on top of the world, or like anything is achievable.

6. MUSIC - maybe you expected this one? Music is like air for me, I would find it hard to survive without it.

As I read this back, this feels like a rambly post. But this blog is all about me - sharing my thoughts and experiences with you – mostly it’ll be about work or something that has happened in my life – but today I felt like having a chat!So I hope it wasn’t too indulgent, and I would love to know what makes your world go around?