Little things that make you smile as a mother…

When you become a mother (or parent) I feel it is like perfecting your skills on some crazy Playstation game. And the teenager years are like the trickiest level.

Go with me on this, though I have never played a game on our Playstation - my son won’t let me (!).Anyway gaming and parenting  - you’ve honed and polished your skills and become pretty damn slick at what you do. You can get to the end of whatever the challenge is at lightening speed.

Then you reach a new unknown level, the teenage years hit and you realise that whilst you thought you knew what you were doing, you need a whole new arsenal of expertise fast.

The lows, the worries, the concerns, the fears, the power struggles, the altercations all increase in frequency and ferocity. You hang on "by the skin of your teeth".

You wonder how it is that your cute compliant (relatively easy) child has become this nearly full-grown adult who rebukes everything you say and do and is just contrary A LOT. You hang on "by the skin of you teeth" - have I said that already??There are still highs though and the highs are wonderful...even the run of the mill highs and I suppose this is why I am writing this today.

Yesterday was a normal Friday. I was working and my daughter was at home as she has finished her exams. I really feel that she deserves some time for fun as last year she was unable to sit her A-levels as she had glandular fever and was very unwell for months.

So her year off has not been quite the year she had planned – it's been tough and a challenge - basically treading water and studying for her exams. So I am all for her going out and having fun but when I am working and juggling chores…sometimes it makes me think “hmm”.

Anyway, yesterday she had to go to the dentist and then had a free day…and this is what she did…She went to the supermarket, made lunch, baked cookies and brownies, cleaned the kitchen, did the ironing, helped with the supper and bought me flowers.

For all the times I wonder if I have not brought my kids up as well as I should have - they almost second guess this thought and dispel my worries in a flash.

I am pretty vocal about the trials and tribulations of parenting and how it never stops stretching and challenging me. And I can been quite critical of my teenagers - so it is only right and proper that I highlight the good things too.

Above are the flowers she bought and everything she made and baked was delicious. Happy mother right here!! 

What kind of mother are you: Tiger or Tigger?

A few days ago I had coffee with a lovely mate of mine. We were chatting about our kids and I was rambling as I do…and then she said, “Parry, you’re a Tigger mum.”

“Tigger mum?“ I asked. I was not familiar with the expression. “Yes,” she said “Tigger as opposed to Tiger.”

I’m not sure it is an actual recognized definition - but being likened to an orange, bouncy, over-exuberant fictitious animal felt like a compliment to me.

After a good catch up, I went home and shared my new label with my kids. I was met with a tirade of “Ha!” “No way” and “pfft!!” and plenty of eye rolling. I was told in no uncertain terms that - I was not a Tigger mum and in fact I was very “Tiger”.

Now I don’t know about you – but I don’t view being called a Tiger mum as a compliment at all - and knowing my kids that might be why they said it.

In case it has escaped you, a Tiger mum is defined as an extremely strict or demanding mother who pushes her children to high levels of achievement.

The term was coined by Yale law professor Amy Chua in her memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Over the years, I have met a few “Tiger mums” and whilst I tend not to get on with them so well and can be quite disparaging about some of the things they say and the way they parent; I am quite impressed by their conviction and how resolute they are about their goals for their children and how they execute them.

It turns out there are a quite a few definitions for mothers (!) but the opposite of Tiger mum is actually an Elephant mum. An Elephant mum is a mother who believes that she needs to nurture, protect and encourage her children above all else.

As mothers, I feel we have a little bit of Tiger and Elephant in us, and in my case, a bit of Tigger too!I unashamedly want my kids to achieve their potential and not waste whatever talent they have – provided that’s what they want. But, in nearly two decades I have not been able to master the art of getting my kids to apply their efforts to things I want them to do, because I think it would be beneficial - so maybe I’m not as Tiger as they think I am... or I am a really substandard Tiger mum!

As for the ‘Elephant mum’ element – I feel most mothers - certainly the ones I know - want to nurture and protect their children – our mechanisms may be slightly different but I feel this is a basic, primal feeling that takes over the minute we give birth.

As for being told I was a "Tigger" mum, even though my kids don’t agree - it did really please me.

Although, I looked up Tigger’s personality traits and found this: “Tigger is always filled with great energy and optimism, and though always well-meaning, he can also be mischievous, and his actions have sometimes led to chaos and trouble for himself and his friends. Also, he often undertakes tasks with gusto, only to later realize they were not as easy as he had originally imagined.

”So maybe being a "Tigger" mum is not ideal either…but cherry picking the best qualities of all three – now that’s a well rounded mother… 

What values do I want my kids to have?

Last week we had one of those rare family gatherings - my mum came over and we all sat around the kitchen table chatting for the afternoon. These kinds of moments are harder and harder to find, as my kids get older and more independent.

My mum, who is a retired teacher, never passes up the opportunity to impart her pearls of wisdom. These “chats” mainly centre around academic and professional decisions my children may make but can venture into contentious subjects like religion and even romantic choices!

As my mum held court, it was a bit of a flashback to my own teenage years and highlighted to me that so much of our own upbringing shapes how we parent our own children. There are beliefs and values that we staunchly stand by and some that we turn our backs on as we get older, as they no longer serve us.

As my children step into adulthood, I, of course, have hopes and aspirations for them, I want them to make the most of any opportunity that comes their way and rise to the challenges they may face. I want them live life as vibrantly as possible. But, I feel their values, principles and the way in which they live their lives are more important than what they achieve.

I have thought long and hard about this, and have tried to whittle down a huge list of values to just five.

Here are the key values I feel my daughter and son have, and hope they always will:

1. Kindness. To me, this is possibly the one of the most important things in life. Being generous, friendly and warm-hearted. Treating people with respect and focussing on doing good rather than harm.

2. Compassion. An emotional response of sympathy and having a desire to help someone who is suffering – my kids are particularly good at being compassionate.

3. Forgiveness. I toyed with loyalty here. But I feel loyalty is a quality that is more freely acquired and forgiveness is much harder to nurture. I know I still struggle with forgiveness sometimes.

4. Integrity. Being honest and having strong moral principles – none of us are squeaky clean, but striving to have integrity and being true to your principles is a great way to live your life, in my opinion.

5. Courage. I thought about bravery for the last key value but bravery is more about the ability to confront pain or danger without any feeling of fear. But there are times when we are all scared. I want my children to have courage - to be able to undertake difficulty or pain despite the sometimes, unavoidable presence of fear.

So what are your thoughts? Have I missed an important value in your opinion? If you are a parent, what values do you hope to instill in your children? And if you’re not a parent – what are your core values and what values do you appreciate most in a friend or loved one?  

How to parent when disappointment and heartache come calling

Things don’t always go our way and life isn’t fair - we all know this. Some of us learn this early and some of us can get quite far along in life before experiencing this.

Over recent weeks, both my kids have experienced things that haven’t gone their way - some relatively big, and some inconsequential – but as we all know sometimes it can be the smallest of disappointments that can hit us the hardest.

Emotional issues majoritively, I believe, have to be experienced because that’s how we learn. But for me they are amongst the most challenging situations to parent.

I guess we all remember how the teenage years are rife with heartache and disappointment. Sometimes I try to pre-empt certain situations with hypothetical conversations and “what ifs” but until they experience something first hand, teenagers for the most past are not interested – they breeze through life with an air of invincibility …ah how I miss those days…So as a parent can we safeguard against emotions like heartache or disappointment? Frustratingly I don’t think so. Even though the primal maternal genes in me really want to.

As a parent there is an innate mechanism that wants to make things all right for our kids – fix things. Is it control? Is it love? Is it our “job”? All of the above, I feel.

Of course, when my kids were little and suffered disappointment - cuddling and few well-chosen words would do the trick. But as they get older the stakes get higher and things just matter more.

The teenage years are hard to navigate; though I want to protect and console often my kids don’t want my help, they don’t want to be told that I can relate or know how they feel, or worse me tell them how they feel.

They want space and a lot of privacy. And, as for talking things through, well that’s what their friends are for, often not their parents.

So sadly, we can’t protect against heartache and disappointment. But I do believe you can nurture certain qualities and character traits: positivity, patience, strength, when to draw a line, becoming more resolute and determined even when it is absolutely the last thing you want to do.

As for what I can do when my help is not wanted …I go with lightening the mood and laughter…for me when my kids are sad making them smile is my number one goal.

Oh and food…I wonder if this is the Indian in me but with teenagers - in any situation – a well stocked fridge or larder goes a long way…And though there have been times when my kids have been sad, disappointed, heartbroken and down…. they always dust themselves off and get back up, even though sometimes it can take a while.

How much of this really has anything to do with my parenting skills? I don’t know. Maybe I have subliminally had a hand in a small way. I hope so.

But I do know their resilience makes me damn proud. And whilst it is incredibly hard for me - I am learning to wait in the wings in case I am needed, because sometimes as a parent that’s all we can do. 

The Anti Oedipus complex

Do you ever feel like everything you say and do is wrong? That you’ve gone from being so aligned with someone to becoming a bit of an annoyance or an unnecessary irritation?

Over the last six to nine months, this is how my interactions with my son have felt; hence the tongue in cheek title of this post.

Don’t know get me wrong - he’s still wonderful and I love him madly. We do get on - but when we don’t, it feels like a really big deal, and things take much longer to resolve.

People used to make fun of me when he was young, because we were so close; in fact, a lot of friends used to tell me that I loved him too much.

Now I know I have written a few posts about teenage development, and this detachment from me is right and proper - he will be 17 in September after all. But when we have altercations, it is so much harder to bear than a similar situation with my daughter – now WHY is that?

Before you say anything – I love them both the same – obviously in different ways as they are different people and sometimes I get on better with one of than the other – but the amount of love is the same and boundless.

I think the point might be this - with my daughter I understood her development into adulthood implicitly, even though at times there were (and will be) difficult conversations and adjustments, I knew where she was coming from and what her motivations were. I could relate, as I went through very similar things.

My son however, has always been this pool of mystery and wonderment. I know so much about him, but I don’t know instinctively know how his brain works.

Every developmental change has felt so drastic though I know they are all normal - from going from a scrawny 10 year old to a muscular 16 year old, growing 9 inches in less than 6 months and being able to grow a proper beard.

Hand in hand with the physical changes there are the emotional ones too – which I guess I am experiencing the full force of now - he’s not always as talkative to me, he’s more private, he doesn’t want to cuddle me 24/7. It is true, other mothers told me this day would come, but I didn’t believe them…I recall that book from the 90s, “ Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. He is turning into a man, so his mother flinging herself onto him for a hug, is not met with enthusiasm!

I do know “my baby” is still in there - the sure fire of getting a cuddle is if I look sad or start to cry. And if you were wondering why on earth there is a picture of a marzipan chocolate bar on this post, he bought me one as a surprise.

Maybe I am just trying to hold onto him being a child a little while longer, whilst he is ready to step into adulthood.

I have always felt that a boy’s development into manhood is a little mismatched. There are boys who shave at 12 and look like men at 14 but emotionally still act like a 10 year old. Maybe for my son his brain and body are in tune…it’s just my brain that needs to catch up. 

Teenage travels - one mother's perspective

Something really weird has happened this weekend. I am really calm.

After dropping my daughter and her mate at the airport for three weeks of interrailing around Europe, I have been waiting for me to spiral into worries and “what ifs” and possible hyperventilation. Close friends and family have been expecting this too.

But I seem to be in an oasis of serenity, which I am enjoying but is really out of character and a little unnerving.

A year ago the thought of my daughter backpacking around Europe filled me with dread. It didn’t matter that “this is what everyone does when they finish school” as she told me. I never did…I was secretly wondering if I could curtail this expedition and I must admit when my daughter contracted Glandular Fever in May, I did fleetingly wonder if this was the “buy out” clause.

But the reality is that whilst she may not have had the wherewithal a year ago. This last year of school has prepared her for greater independence and thinking on her feet. I suppose a lot can happen in a child’s development in a year - and whilst the skills teenagers acquire are more subtle than the ones they learn in the toddler years, they are just as vital. And from what I have seen this past academic year, now I feel she can really look after herself.

Of course, I am not saying the irrational feelings have disappeared, and I can’t help but worry about safety, but I do believe if I allow myself to go down that road, I would never let my kids’ do anything and that would be a shame.

I think this is how I feel now. I want my kids to explore, experiment and grab life with both hands. And it is right and proper that I should not be there to second-guess and catch them if they fall - not now. But if they need me, I will kick into action, in a heartbeat.

I am, of course, missing my daughter like crazy - I won’t see her for three weeks and this is the longest we have been apart. I also know it is only day 3 so I have a way to go!

But I am getting a few texts. I trying not to bombard her with communication, but if she gets in touch I am quick to respond. And I know as the trip progresses that the texts will be less frequent – but this is my issue, not hers.

This is another rite of passage and something wonderful for her to experience. So, as I dropped the girls at the airport on Friday and I hugged them goodbye I said, “Have fun, be safe and try not to end up in hospital or jail.” Pretty sound advice from me, I feel...Maybe I have finally switched my hysteria for realism…and maybe I have finally grown up…she certainly has…  

Are arguments ever a good thing?

Today I was just going to have a good ole fashioned moan about my daughter and the argument we had yesterday - a case study in the life of parenting a teenager perhaps.

To be honest it was the “mother” of all arguments and I can’t remember the last time we actually had a fight like that, which is a really good thing. What is sad, is I couldn’t exactly tell you how it started - and isn’t that often the case with arguments?

I think it was one of those situations which started off as a bit of a joke, quickly spiraling into us both having massive sense of humour failures. So much so, that the aftermath lasted over 3 hours in which time we barely spoke to each other, and when we did, we made the situation much worse for a while before it improved. The good news is we persevered and made up in the end.

So many things went through my mind, in the “not talking to each other phase”. I was cross and upset but hate arguing with anyone, especially my kids.

I was so incensed because I felt my daughter had been mean and disrespectful…but it took me a while to realise I had actually said some things I shouldn’t have and didn’t behave it the loveliest way at all.

I kept flipping between wanting to stay angry and hurt, to feeling compelled to “fix” the situation as my daughter is off interrailing at the end of the week. And when she goes, I will really miss her.

So, I refer back to the title of this post…are arguments ever a good thing? Funnily enough, I did feel some positives came out of the whole situation and often do.

Firstly, when we had both calmed down and were ready to talk – we both apologized for hurting each other’s feelings. For two quite highly strung, stubborn women – this was a positive thing.

Secondly, whilst we apologised, we both stood our ground on what we believed we hadn’t done wrong and the beauty of older children is they won’t actually let you get away with anything.

Long gone are the days when I used to halt a disagreement with “because Mummy said so”…wow, I was lazy parent at times, when my kids were little. And actually, I don’t mind being held to account, if I am wrong and God knows I am not perfect.

Similarly the days of me cosseting my kids by sparing their feelings and not saying what I really feel are over. Right now I can be more honest and open with my kids than I have ever been before.

And finally, the best bit, whatever the age of your children is the hugs. They may not be as free flowing as when they were toddlers, but when they hug you, they really mean it, and it still is the BEST feeling in the world.

So on balance I’d rather not argue with anyone - especially my kids. But if it means we understand each other a little better, things are clearer and we are more thoughtful and empathetic towards each other - well, that must be a good thing, don’t you think?

Elephants and mothers never forget

There are certain traits I believe a woman acquires when she becomes a mother. It doesn’t really matter what you were like pre-children, you give birth and become rewired in a subtle but profoundly different way.

You take on multi tasking, you become really great at thinking on your feet. But top of the list, I think is, not forgetting ANYTHING.

All mothers I know are a veritable encyclopaedia on their children. This is a double edge sword – the milestones and lovely memories are wonderful to recall. But everything is in there; illnesses, cheekiness, naughtiness…and woe betide anyone who has done my child wrong. Even if you are friends now, if you have ever made my child sad or cry, I will never forget. Just like an elephant.

I remember the tears, the sadness and the drama as if it were yesterday. And this is a dreadful admission, but once someone has had a negative interaction with one of my kids it completely colours the way I think of that person, even if it was five or ten years ago and my child is over it and they are really good friends with said person, or the person is a distant memory and no longer in their lives.

This is of course awful and hypocritical as I am endlessly telling my kids to forgive and forget, be kind and compassionate...maybe this falls into the parenting category of “ do as I say, not as I do”??It’s not that I am never forgiving, or compassionate and I really hope I am kind - it’s just in certain instances – where my kids are in involved my primal instincts take over and forgiving becomes selective. And I simply can’t forget.

I could even recount an event or conversation of a particular altercation that one of my children told me, word for word, if you wanted me to. This drives my kids crazy. They will just say, “If I’m over it, you should be over it!”

And though I try I really can’t seem to let those visceral feelings go.

I realize I am not painting myself in the best light here, but maybe a realistic light? I am not perfect, but like most mothers I will go above and beyond to look out for my kids whatever the instance – big or small. Am I a nightmare? Should I just forget stuff and let it go? Or can you relate? PS: So, me being me, I had to look up where the phrase “elephants never forget” comes from, as it is weird to compare a person to an elephant. It turns out that apparently studies have shown elephants do have strong abilities to recall people, places, and behavior. They can recall people who trained them when they were young, whom they haven’t seen for over 20 years. So I guess this ability to keep track of information for many decades that has generated the phrase - an elephant never forgets… just like your mother!

Exam season is upon us – so how do you handle it as a parent?

The double whammy has arrived. GCSEs have started and A Levels are hot on their heels. And maybe this is a bit back to front in a parenting type post, but I have been thinking about how us parents deal with the exam period.

Parenting like many situations in life has a disarming way of showing you both sides of the story. As my kids have prepared for their exams, I have recalled all too well the drudgery of revision, the feeling that you want to go out and do anything but revise.

Guiltily, I remember putting in “several hours of revision” staring at my bedroom wall, thumbing through magazines, listening to music…I really hope my mum isn’t reading this… and this isn’t what my kids have been doing. Anything was more appealing at times than actually learning endless facts, figures and equations.

Now, the shoe is definitely on the other foot. I am the parent. I am the mother. I've been there, done that, I have experience and wisdom. But empathy doesn’t help here; it is not welcomed. My kids unequivocally have no interest in the fact that their parents have been through what they are going through.

So as a parent how do we deal with the revision and exam period? I know we are not taking the exams, but there is a “no fun” vibe that has permeated the atmosphere in my home, I’m guessing it’s the same for you? It is hard from this side of the fence. Letting go, standing by, watching as life unfolds in front of you is like a crazy slow motion film, which you cannot control, but you desperately hope will turn out well.

So here are a few things I do to get by:

1. Food. Maybe it is the woman in me, or the mother, or the very dominant Indian genes but food is vital. Cooking for my kids - so I feel I am being of some use and they are for the most part eating well. Food also serves as a kind of therapy for me; cooking from scratch takes time and I find it oddly relaxing...and I love to eat.

2. Being busy. I am pretty busy anyway, but during this period it is even more important. I need my brain to be well and truly occupied and challenged. I feel very grateful that at the moment my time is being snaffled up with this blog and three music projects on the go.

3. Avoid school coffee mornings. I’m not an anti social wotsit, I love meeting up with friends, although I would always choose alcohol over coffee. The people (women), I’m trying to avoid talk incessantly about how much work their children have done and whip everyone in the surrounding area into a frenzied state. This is a whirlpool you cannot escape if you are in the vicinity, so do like me, avoid it.

4. Be around but be invisible. It is impossible not to care, worry and wonder how your kids’ exams are going and how they are. So I find just “being around” when I can quite effective. My study is the basement and the kitchen is above me…so when I hear someone rummaging around in the fridge I realize I need a cup of tea. My teenagers might not always say anything, but they might. They can chat or vent if they need to and I feel part of what they are going through. Momentarily it eases my latent stress.

 Exams are part of the education system, so we all have to get on with it, we know this, but it really is no fun for any of us. Roll on the summer holidays, I say. What do you think? 

Five things parents do that teenagers hate

I thought I would look at parenting from my children’s viewpoint. So yesterday I asked my kids what I did that annoyed them. My son, without hesitation, said it was impossible to narrow it down to five things and my daughter; well she didn’t seem remotely interested in venting. So I thought back over the last few months and put together this list of five things.

1. Telling them what you would have done in a particular situation and how you were as a teenager. This is an offence most parents I know are guilty of. And the funny thing is as with most things our intentions as parents, are to help and impart wisdom. However, I have learned that when your child reaches the teenage years they are less tolerant of your anecdotes and helpful tips. We cannot save them from every mistake. We must wait for them to come to us. They are people in their own right after all, often with very different perspectives and as I am frequently told life is different for them, as they are not growing up in the dark ages as I was!

2. Engaging with their friends for more than a minute and showing any interest in their social lives. This one always takes me by surprise. I feel if your children’s mates are in your house, it is nice to make them feel welcome – NO. It is nice to ask them how they are? NO. It is nice to offer to make them lunch or dinner – NO. It is nice to find out what they have been up to? NO, NO, NO. They are your children’s friends, not yours. If by some stroke of luck I am allowed to chat, I’m on the clock; it is very clear when I have outstayed my welcome…in my kitchen.

3. Invading their privacy. This refers to anything that they view as solely theirs - their rooms (in my house!), any of their stuff – I am not allowed to borrow anything and the real red rag to a bull - their phones. If I touch their phones to move them this is a pretty bad sin. But if I happen to read the odd message over their shoulders then all hell breaks loose. But of course, privacy is a one-way street, theirs should be impenetrable, I have none.

4. Asking them what their plans are and keeping you informed. I have thought a lot about this one. Basically I feel they see this as too controlling and I see this as just knowing what’s going on, so if plans need to be made, suppers cooked, lifts organized or taxis booked I can sort it. I have discovered that teenage lives, social or otherwise work on a very “need to know” basis.

5. Using their vernacular. I didn’t get this memo, but apparently there is one somewhere that says this is strictly forbidden. You cannot use any word or phrase that they use. So I’m not to say “sik one”, “safe” or “wag wan” or anything else they currently say. If I do there will be a lot of eye rolling. Oh, and never refer to yourselves as the “rents”…

I have come to realize that teenager’s likes and dislikes change dramatically from day to day and may have nothing to do with us parents. We might engage with them in a certain way that is completely acceptable, but in less than 24 hours, the same thing could be the worst thing in the world.I write this slightly tongue in cheek; day on day they become increasingly opinionated and judgmental, which of course is normal. However, if I offer an opinion or judge something or someone, make no mistake, I will be vilified for it. So I wonder what they will have to say about this…your thoughts?   

Is it ever ok to lie? What do you tell your children?

No, sometimes, depends, yes...When my children were very young, many things were black and white. One of my “jobs” as a parent was to teach them right from wrong and set their moral compass. And I feel for the most part this happens very early on. Even if we are not told verbally, we soak up so many unwritten dos and don’ts and not lying is definitely one of them.

I remember one incident when my kids were two and three; in the days when they used to bath together there was a big splashing incident. It was the end of a long day so I was tired, they were having fun, which meant half the bath water was on the bathroom floor. I warned them several times and then I roared, “Who did this? If you don’t tell me, there will be no story tonight.” My punishments were hardcore in those days!

My kids were silent and after a few seconds my son (two at the time) stood up and confessed. He then went onto say that he didn’t deserve a story but his older sister did. I was surprised. I had actually suspected my daughter or thought they were in cahoots.

Anyway, I told him off, put him to bed without a story. I later asked his sister if it had been her brother. She said yes, without hesitation. But it wasn’t. It took her two days to fess up. This was an inconsequential event but my instincts were right, she had lied and he had taken the rap for her.

I do think as people we have a predisposition to try to get ourselves out of things – keep quiet, make excuses, fabricate stories and omit important bits of information. Is this different or just an extension of lying?

As children get older, the black and whites blend to different shades of grey. It is no long valid, in my opinion to say, “don’t ever lie”. They have to learn to use their judgment. My hope is they are discerning, and whilst they may lie to extricate themselves from certain tricky situations, I hope they wouldn’t lie to me. But I am not that naive. Luckily for me, they have a “tell” and when I ask a question in a certain way, I know if they are telling the truth or not…most of the time.

I am a great believer in lying being a useful tool in selective situations and in lying for the greater good. Number one on my list is sparing worry. I am thinking particularly of my mother here. Since my father passed away my mother’s worry has increased exponentially, so sometimes it is just easier to lie.

For instance, last year I had an operation so I told her I was going out for the day, which technically isn’t a lie, but you see what I’m getting at.

My real bugbear? Getting caught. As I am always saying to my children, if you are going to lie, lie effectively. Live the lie...One thing I haven’t laid out but I hope is implicit is I do not condone lying about really important things. Legal or criminal issues or instances when you could cause people real harm.

So what do you think? I think everyone lies…and if you say you don’t, you’re lying ;-)

The helpless parent - or What do you do when your help is no longer welcome?

I like to swoop in and help. I think I have always been like this even before becoming a mother. I like to give, fix and solve.When my children were little, it was simple, they needed me do everything for them. There were flickers of my help becoming redundant quite early on, as is normal. She learned to button her coat, he learned to tie his shoe laces, they learned to feed themselves, get dressed, take the bus to school... independence gets picked up slowly along the way.

I suppose, for me, helping my children is partly wrapped up in the perceived control I have as a parent, which I know is minimal. As my children have grown up (I actually have one adult now) my sense of purpose as a parent feels diminished in some ways.

Of course, they still want me to help, but there is no carte blanche. It is very much on their terms. They only want me when it suits them - selective help. And, of course, they have no interest in listening to my point of view.

So what do you when your help is unwelcome and you can see events unfold, not always for the best, before your eyes? Anyone that knows me may fall off their chair at this point, but I have been learning to use silence and distance. I’m not very good at this, but I have been honing these skills for the past seven years or so. I bite my lip and walk away, because when they need you for advice or something that goes wrong, they will come to you, and then you do get to swoop in and be the superhero.

Please note: I don’t actually want anything to go wrong for my kids, or anyone else’s, but shit happens sometimes and we all need someone to turn to. In these moments Mother Nature is extremely clever. You don’t say ‘Ha Ha!!! I told you to do it my way”, "You should have asked me at the beginning” or "I knew this would happen” …you just smile, handle it and naturally enjoy the nanosecond of gratitude.

I was wondering how to exemplify this and, as if my magic, my 16 and a half-year-old son came into my study this morning. Since his last birthday he has wanted to change his cash point card into a debit card. I have said I would go to the bank with him and sort it out, but no, he wanted to do it.

His birthday was September, it is now April and there is still no debit card. Anyway last week, he has said he would call the bank to make an appointment. He finally called today, got an automated message and hung up. “Mummy” he said in a really fluffy tone that I haven’t heard since the last time he wanted something ”I can’t get through on the phone to make an appointment.”

“Have you followed the instructions?”

“Yes”, he replied, there was a pause and then: “Will you do it for me?"

I smiled inside and pick up the phone, resisting the temptation to say I could have done this six months ago.

To be clear, my son is super smart. He could have picked up the phone again and done it. But he wanted my help, and I wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to give it. I navigated my way through the automated call and made him an appointment for this afternoon. Job done. “Thanks Mummy!” and off he goes, flashing me a gorgeous smile. That’ll do.

I know it is normal for the apron strings to loosen over the years and eventually be cut. And I certainly want my children to be equipped to deal with whatever comes their way – inconsequential or significant. But it is hard when, for a good decade or so, you have been the “go to” person for everything. I suppose children need to earn self-sufficiency, and I suppose I need to learn to wait until I’m asked for help.

I'm still a work in progress, how about you?

Teenage kicks part 2: Partying

Carnage. This is the word most frequently used to describe teenage parties in SW London. Although I’m sure it’s not just restricted to SW London.

I have heard many horror stories. Furniture being broken, projectile vomiting, bathrooms left in a disgusting unusable state, teenagers so high on something they are uncontrollable, comatose guests whose parents need to be called, or worse an ambulance and so the list goes on.

So, it won’t surprise you that it was with some trepidation that we made plans for a joint 18th for my daughter and one of her best mates.

The benefit of having an 18th later in the school year is that you can learn from other people’s experience and most of the kids invited are 18 and so are theoretically better at dealing with the alcohol fuelled frivolities.

So we had the party on Saturday. And I am relieved to tell you we survived and the word on the street is it was great. Phew!

The parental goals were very simple. Firstly, that the birthday girls have a wonderful celebration and secondly to avert any dramas or disasters. So vigilance was key and yes, 4 parents were at this party, sober for over 6 hours. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend a Saturday night that way?!

The only real roles you have in this scenario are financial and sorting out problems. Basically you have to be as invisible as possible until they need you. Then you swoop in and out as quickly and effectively as possible.

So this is what I can tell you. The girls planned an awesome party and this is what worked for us: 

1. A good theme for decorations and fancy dress – The girls chose “Under the Sea”. People came as sharks, dolphins and there was a lot of beachwear.

2. A venue, used to the drunk and disorderly - we booked a local rugby club.

3. Security guards, ID checks and a guest list. If your name is not on the list, you’re not coming in.

4. Good DJ/playlist – the girls spend a long time compiling the music. It was hit and the dance floor was packed all night.

5. Food. The girls were ambivalent but myself and the other mother were insistent. So at about 10.30pm we brought out pizza and cupcakes – which went down very well.

6. Luck – I don’t underestimate this. We prepared for everything we could think of but you never how things will actually turn out.

 I can’t tell you how grateful I am to everybody concerned for how well it went. Security guards, bar staff, venue organizers – everyone was fantastic.

And also, teenagers can get a bad rap; but they were well mannered and polite. And some were extremely entertaining.

And yes, I was invisible-ish for most of the night. But I did heavily negotiate for dancing privileges and was told I could dance to two songs…and I made the most of it.

So we were lucky to come out with a positive view on the madness of teenage parties. What are your experiences?  

Hurtling to exam hell

There are a number of “take your life into your own hands” conversations in this house at the moment, and the biggest bone of contention is revision for impending exams.

Long gone are days when my children came home wanting to show me the mark they got in a test. I vaguely recall being used as a sounding board for a project, or being asked for help to make palm trees out of loo rolls, but that was easily 10 years ago.

And actually I was and still am very happy with this academic independence. I know parents who revise with their children, even beyond GCSEs. I am slightly amazed at how they manage to do this; it wouldn’t work in this house.

The reason things are a bit tetchy is this summer we have the double whammy: my daughter is doing A levels and my son GCSEs.

I have learned over the years that in any relationship stepping back, thinking twice before you speak and waiting to be asked can be invaluable qualities. However, these are not my strengths: especially where my kids are involved.

It’s the lack of control in this scenario that I find so hard. It’s not my “thing” to accomplish.

Not having control is horrible in any relationship and if as parents we are under any illusions that we have a lot of control to start with, we are deluded…but a little bit would be nice. Or just being thrown the odd crumb of reassurance.

I cannot help myself with repeated “Are you sure you’ve finished working? Could you do a bit more?” And I know before I finish the sentence this interaction will not end well.

I guess my biggest fear is history repeating itself. I have come unstuck before with exams and that feeling of inevitable doom is unbearable. Hoping that you ace the exams you don’t deserve to ace. And a parent, I just want to save my children from “doom”.

Right now, I can’t think of a more effective way of getting my message across than lecturing and I know, hearing me say the same thing 6 times in a slightly different way is really annoying.

Here’s the thing. You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. And I know my kids are savvy. I’m sure they are working hard…I also believe, everything works out. We all have our own journey and the capacity to make life work for us. Why is it I can’t adopt this serene approach when I talk to my kids about exams??

So…what are your experiences? And if you know my kids, could you ask them how their revision is going…they are less likely to bite your head off!

The rules have gone out of the window...

I quite like rules and boundaries and sometimes I enjoy breaking them. But one of the most challenging things about parenting teenagers for me is it is incredibly hard to hold onto to the rules, whatever they may be.

A few friends with older children had warned me this would happen. I smiled sweetly, never thinking it would happen to me. After all, when my children were little, (say, up to the age of 10) things were relatively straightforward.

They had good sleeping routines, set meals times where they ate what they were given and I took them everywhere – school runs, parties, sports fixtures.

And if I said something I would stick to it. My kids are good… but they have missed parties, outings, TV programmes because I said those fateful words, “If you do that again, you are not going to….” In those days it was easy to stick to my guns. And though I didn’t realise it, I was largely in control. I miss those days.

Many of my friends who have younger children, look at me in disbelief, when I tell them parenting gets harder. How much harder can it be than when you’re literally doing everything for your children?

I’m not for one second saying that the first ten years aren’t hard. They are. These times whilst fun and rewarding are exhausting, and relentless.

On the days you get it right, you are so proud of yourself and the days you don’t - you want to crawl into a ball and hide…Anyway, the point is parenting just gets harder. I’m sorry, but it does, in ways you cannot anticipate.

Friends who have children the same age as mine (16 and 18) nod their heads in sympathy when I recount a particular event. Most say, “Yep, been there…”The problem is I can’t decide whether I should be reassured that we are all in the same crazy boat, or whether I should dig my heels in and make a stand.

So, some of my problems are these.

Teenagers are big and quite strong. I can’t pick them up and put them somewhere and know they will stay.

They don’t pre plan, I am told of plans at the last minute. Actually I blame social networking for this. In my day, you spoke to people or phoned them on a landline. Plans were set.

If I ask my teenagers to do something like hang the washing out, or empty the dishwasher, they say, “I’ll do it later”. If I ask them to tidy their rooms, I am told, “I like my room like this.” That wouldn’t fly with my folks.

And my biggest problem is that as children get older, they get more independent. They look like adults on the outside, but can still be quite childlike on the inside.

I don’t mean this in a remotely patronizing way. They are still your babies, just really big, especially the boys. And as a mother of a 16 year-old boy, puberty really is an eye opening experience, even second hand.

Anyway, carrying on. If they want to go out and be back late, there are huge negotiations. In fact, I’m fooled into thinking they are negotiating. Mostly, they have decided and committed on that evening’s itinerary, I’m just being informed.

They think they can walk home at any time of night and be safe. They think it’s fine to go somewhere without leaving details in case of emergency.

And don’t get me started on keeping in touch.

Every parent I know of a teenager has to adapt at lightening speed. But in the days of text/imessage/Whats App/and Facebook – is it really that hard to let me know you have arrived at whathisface’s party??I can no longer say, “If you do A then B will happen” because it simply does not carry the same weight as it used to.

I can no longer enforce meal times because, there is late hockey training, or they are not hungry yet, or they have to go to Costa straightaway because a friend is having an emotional drama.

I write this with some trepidation, I was a much more wayward teenager than my two and their mates. And I know a teenager’s job is to push the boundaries and be those strong, intelligent, assertive people, we bring them up to be.

And maybe it is unreasonable of me, but I miss the days when saying, “Because I said so”, was the end of the conversation.

The rules have gone out of the window. I’m flying by the seat of my pants and am hanging onto what little control I have by the flimsiest threads…can you relate?  

Toddlers versus Teenagers – Part 1: tantrums

When I think of writing anything linked to parenting I think of small children. Then I go to make a cup of tea and invariably see an adult-sized child lolloping in the kitchen. And maybe as my eldest turns 18 in a week, I’ve been thinking about whether the way you raise toddlers and teenagers is that different. And one of the things that come to mind about toddlers is tantrums – and how to contain them, or avoid them completely. Looking back, I was lucky. My children never had terrible twos or threes. I didn’t have to vacate a café or a shop with child tucked under my arm screeching and flailing its arms and legs all over the place. Public tantrums weren’t an issue for me. My kids are generally quite savvy, saving the trickiest moments for behind closed doors. She won’t thank me, but my daughter (the nearly 18 year old one) excelled at private tantrums. The worst was her extreme OCD for all things symmetrical. Laces on shoes had to tied the same way. The loops and hanging ends must be of the same length and size. Plaits or bunches had to be at the same height on her head or she would pull them out and start crying…I remember flipping between exasperation and just laughing at her. And the only thing my son did was insisting on going to the supermarket as Spiderman. I found this very hard initially, as I had always vowed pre-children that ‘I would never be one of those mothers’. Well turned out I was… and quite frankly I diverted any potential tantrum and got the shopping done, so anything for a quiet life. And the one thing I have learned is you have to pick your battles. I do not claim to be an expert on parenting. I’m just a parent. But retaining the balance of power or control is, I think, the way to go, along with never backing down. I used to find this easier the younger my children were. Saying ‘if you do this - that will happen’ was a relative breeze in years 1-7. It got, and continues to get, trickier to stand my ground. Teenagers, unsurprisingly, are more sophisticated. A teenager’s tantrum arsenal comprises: grumpiness, insolence, rudeness, backchat, the cold shoulder and coming home late. The last one is my least favourite as it fills me with unbelievable worry. Long gone are the days when a child kicks off, I can pick him or her up and put them in their room. My son is 70kgs of muscle, there is no way I am moving him anywhere. Teenagers are less malleable. And a DVD for half and hour is not going to appease them. So what to do? Teenage tantrums can quickly turn into a heated argument, where you both end up saying something you regret. So I guess whilst as a parent you are so angry inside, the trick is to be calm and clear on the outside. Well that’s the theory anyway. Let me know if you can actually do this!

I guess tantrums are fundamentally about having your own way and who doesn't want their own way? To be honest, if I could get away with throwing the odd tantrum, I probably would…what about you?

Teenage kicks part 1: Dating

I’m jumping straight in here:

How do you deal with your teenager having a boyfriend/girlfriend? In this house we are gender stereotypes. I’ve been quite chilled about my 18 year old having a boyfriend. Her father however was hyperventilating at the beginning. Although, he has to admit the boyfriend is… well, he's someone you can happily take home and introduce to your parents. The thought, however, of my son dating anyone fills me with dread. He will be 17 this year, but he is still my baby in my head. I am completely irrational about this, and it is truly pathetic. So dating goes hand in hand with the party scene, in my experience. Neither of my kids started partying or socialising with people beyond their core group of friends till they hit 16. Then the social diary exploded. I think I had lulled myself into a false sense of security and thought that we were over the tricky years. But the full force of parties, drinking, boyfriends/girlfriends and negotiating pick up times hit us hard and life got tricky. More on this in another post I think. I know a lot of children start socialising early, sometimes from 12/13. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, personally I feel there are pros and cons to both early and late socialisers. My view on boyfriends is very different to my mother’s. She wouldn’t let my boyfriends in the house and often ignored their existence. I, however, choose to be supportive and like them, until they give me reason not to. Maybe I should consider the same approach to any of my son’s girlfriends who may turn up in the future. Of course, I think my parenting choice is the right one (!) but would I be so magnanimous if my daughter were 13? The 20 million dollar question is, of course, how old would your child need to be before you let their boyfriend/girlfriend stay the night? Does it make a difference if it is your son as opposed to your daughter? Does it make a difference if they have been together for a few months? I know a lot of people are divided on this one, and so many of my mates have differing views from my own. So I think soliciting as much advice as possible is a good way to go. What do you think? Impart your wisdom please ;-)