Rewriting negative self talk with personal victories...

Rewriting negative self talk takes years - believe me I know. I was looking through some old boxes of photos and came across these: family summer holiday - maybe 7 years ago. These photos represent a massive personal victory for me. I know, on the face of it, it may look like I’m just jumping off a pontoon into the sea, but this event was monumental in my little world.

As a child I didn’t learn to swim tiI I was 13, which is pretty late. I had eczema top to toe so swimming in a chlorinated pool aggravated my skin beyond belief, and swimming in the sea stung way too much, though it was widely regarded that salt water was good for eczema. My mother also doesn’t know how to swim and is quite fearful of water so it was never on the list of things to do. So whilst I learnt to swim in my teenage years - I wasn’t super comfortable doing it. 

The thing about self talk is, it’s really powerful. And sadly, a vast majority of us are wired in a way that means self talk often manifests itself as negative. That little voice cutting you down.  It may only be a whisper in the depths of your brain but the consistent stream of verbal cues we give ourselves take root, getting stronger as the years roll by. With great power, comes great responsibility (yes, I am quoting the Spiderman film - who is btw my favourite superhero) - so surely it serves us well to turn that voice into our superhero rather than our arch nemesis?

The reality is, I wasn’t brought up thinking “I can” or “just have a go”. The prospect of “having a go” came with a raft of caveats so I ended up creating a bunch of unfounded beliefs that all led down the road of “I can’t”. 

Fast forward to becoming a mother and the relevance of the photos (!) Firstly  - as soon as my kids were toddlers I enrolled them in swimming classes. I certainly didn’t want to saddle my kids with my nervousness around water - besides which I feel swimming is a really important life skill. Anyway, after years of summer holidays it became apparent to my kids that I rarely venture into the sea if we were on a beach, certainly not more than ankle depth. 

Now, I couldn’t tell you if it was a “their personality” thing, a generational thing or a parenting thing - probably a bit of all three. But even if there was some initial resistance, my children were always open to trying new things and having a go - something I found admirable, but unusual. So my lack of “sea antics” became glaringly obvious. 

We were lucky enough to go to Crete on summer holidays and there was this pontoon in the sea, by the hotel we were staying at. It became my kids’ life mission to get me to swim to the pontoon. The thing about my kids, or most kids in fact, is that they can be ridiculously persistent. So they wouldn’t stop till I said yes. But the thought was pretty nerve wracking to me. The negative self talk was out in force - “you can’t swim very well”, “you’re not sporty”, “you look like an idiot when you swim”. I could go on. But my kids and their badgering won. 

Although it really wasn’t far from the beach, it was like me swimming The Channel. It is hard, even now, to verbalise, the sense of achievement when I managed to step onto that pontoon. I then realised I’d been hoodwinked. There was a set of steps to get up and down from the water but my children wanted me to jump off and swim back to the beach.

I can honestly say, up until then I had never jumped off anything into the open sea. “Are you out of your mind?” was my overriding thought. But again, my kids’ persistence excelled - I suppose if I were feeling kind - I would say they were tenacious. 

Now this is where self talk gets interesting. In amongst the meleé of negative voices in my head, there was the tiniest murmur that said “why not have a go?”....

I do not know why I chose to listen to that voice that afternoon, but after a lot of coaching. I jumped. And it was really fun. I mean - I had to put visions of me jumping in so deep that I cracked my skull on a rock out of my head - but it was exhilarating, and I did it several times. 

My point is this - sometimes there is very little substance to the banks of negative self talk we build up. Some of it is of our own making, some gets stored because someone made a passing comment once and yes, sometimes people want to be negative, they want to put seeds of doubt in our brains, or they can’t see the detrimental effect their words have. But we have a choice - we get to choose whether those seeds sprout or not. 

And on a personal note, not knowing how to do something does not make us weaker, or ignorant and it certainly does not make us lesser - if anything it provides us with the opportunity to learn and grow and experience new things.

This period of lockdown has caused me to really think about how I live my life - and I welcome introspection. The whole range of challenges we are traversing through including #blacklivesmatter and Coronavirus are far from straightforward. Though sometimes it is crystal clear what is right or wrong.  But I am hopeful that this time of sometimes uncomfortable reflection and growth will bring positive, lasting change. 

And on a personal level that starts with each of us, the way we conduct ourselves and our self talk. We are allowed to close off the negative self talk, we are allowed to change our beliefs - and whilst sometimes the changes in self talk may be small, they can be profound - and it’s never too late. 

I really hope that I get to jump into the sea from a pontoon this year, though I don’t know how likely that will be - hell maybe I’ll upgrade to jumping off a rock .... 

Elephants and mothers never forget

There are certain traits I believe a woman acquires when she becomes a mother. It doesn’t really matter what you were like pre-children, you give birth and become rewired in a subtle but profoundly different way.

You take on multi tasking, you become really great at thinking on your feet. But top of the list, I think is, not forgetting ANYTHING.

All mothers I know are a veritable encyclopaedia on their children. This is a double edge sword – the milestones and lovely memories are wonderful to recall. But everything is in there; illnesses, cheekiness, naughtiness…and woe betide anyone who has done my child wrong. Even if you are friends now, if you have ever made my child sad or cry, I will never forget. Just like an elephant.

I remember the tears, the sadness and the drama as if it were yesterday. And this is a dreadful admission, but once someone has had a negative interaction with one of my kids it completely colours the way I think of that person, even if it was five or ten years ago and my child is over it and they are really good friends with said person, or the person is a distant memory and no longer in their lives.

This is of course awful and hypocritical as I am endlessly telling my kids to forgive and forget, be kind and compassionate...maybe this falls into the parenting category of “ do as I say, not as I do”??It’s not that I am never forgiving, or compassionate and I really hope I am kind - it’s just in certain instances – where my kids are in involved my primal instincts take over and forgiving becomes selective. And I simply can’t forget.

I could even recount an event or conversation of a particular altercation that one of my children told me, word for word, if you wanted me to. This drives my kids crazy. They will just say, “If I’m over it, you should be over it!”

And though I try I really can’t seem to let those visceral feelings go.

I realize I am not painting myself in the best light here, but maybe a realistic light? I am not perfect, but like most mothers I will go above and beyond to look out for my kids whatever the instance – big or small. Am I a nightmare? Should I just forget stuff and let it go? Or can you relate? PS: So, me being me, I had to look up where the phrase “elephants never forget” comes from, as it is weird to compare a person to an elephant. It turns out that apparently studies have shown elephants do have strong abilities to recall people, places, and behavior. They can recall people who trained them when they were young, whom they haven’t seen for over 20 years. So I guess this ability to keep track of information for many decades that has generated the phrase - an elephant never forgets… just like your mother!

Is it ever ok to lie? What do you tell your children?

No, sometimes, depends, yes...When my children were very young, many things were black and white. One of my “jobs” as a parent was to teach them right from wrong and set their moral compass. And I feel for the most part this happens very early on. Even if we are not told verbally, we soak up so many unwritten dos and don’ts and not lying is definitely one of them.

I remember one incident when my kids were two and three; in the days when they used to bath together there was a big splashing incident. It was the end of a long day so I was tired, they were having fun, which meant half the bath water was on the bathroom floor. I warned them several times and then I roared, “Who did this? If you don’t tell me, there will be no story tonight.” My punishments were hardcore in those days!

My kids were silent and after a few seconds my son (two at the time) stood up and confessed. He then went onto say that he didn’t deserve a story but his older sister did. I was surprised. I had actually suspected my daughter or thought they were in cahoots.

Anyway, I told him off, put him to bed without a story. I later asked his sister if it had been her brother. She said yes, without hesitation. But it wasn’t. It took her two days to fess up. This was an inconsequential event but my instincts were right, she had lied and he had taken the rap for her.

I do think as people we have a predisposition to try to get ourselves out of things – keep quiet, make excuses, fabricate stories and omit important bits of information. Is this different or just an extension of lying?

As children get older, the black and whites blend to different shades of grey. It is no long valid, in my opinion to say, “don’t ever lie”. They have to learn to use their judgment. My hope is they are discerning, and whilst they may lie to extricate themselves from certain tricky situations, I hope they wouldn’t lie to me. But I am not that naive. Luckily for me, they have a “tell” and when I ask a question in a certain way, I know if they are telling the truth or not…most of the time.

I am a great believer in lying being a useful tool in selective situations and in lying for the greater good. Number one on my list is sparing worry. I am thinking particularly of my mother here. Since my father passed away my mother’s worry has increased exponentially, so sometimes it is just easier to lie.

For instance, last year I had an operation so I told her I was going out for the day, which technically isn’t a lie, but you see what I’m getting at.

My real bugbear? Getting caught. As I am always saying to my children, if you are going to lie, lie effectively. Live the lie...One thing I haven’t laid out but I hope is implicit is I do not condone lying about really important things. Legal or criminal issues or instances when you could cause people real harm.

So what do you think? I think everyone lies…and if you say you don’t, you’re lying ;-)