How would you react to your child’s first serious girlfriend/boyfriend?

Would you throw your toys out of the pram? Would you be cool? Would you forbid it?

This is one of things I’ve been dreading as my son got older - the inevitable arrival of a girlfriend. Many of my friends have joked that I would not be cool… and I knew they were right.

Interestingly I was not remotely stressed about my daughter having her first serious boyfriend. It just felt like the natural order of things. But my son…well we all know the old clichés about mothers and sons!

For years I have had an extremely close relationship with my son. But things definitely shifted after he turned 16 as I discussed in a post last year, “The Anti Oedipus complex”.

As a mother, I suppose my main worry when it comes to girlfriends and boyfriends is that my children pick someone who isn’t ultimately good for them.

Relationships may come with an element of drama – especially teenage ones – but I believe any relationship, especially a romantic one, should be positive and the happy times outweigh the bad or sad.

There’s no need to change yourself to please someone else and above all you should both have each other’s back.

I knew I would have to deal with reality of a girlfriend sooner or later - and as with so many things in the lives of our teenagers there would be very little I could do about it.

So…. she arrived in the autumn. The exact timing is vague, as any parent with teenagers knows - details of any sort are kept secret and rarely shared with parents.

In addition to the vagueness, I have noticed teenagers these days aren’t overly keen on labels – but given the frequency with which they see each other - they are definitely going out.

What has been quite surprising to me, and those around me, is I have been calm and cool – supportive even.

Theoretically I have played many scenarios and reactions out in my head but ultimately my kids being happy overrides everything for me. And as is true in so many areas of life, especially parenting – there is a big difference between the  hypothetical and the reality.

I have to trust that the way I have brought them up, loved them and nurtured my kids is enough - so they make the right decisions for them.

Caring for someone, maybe falling in love is one of the best feelings I know. So I have to trust. After all, life is precious and worth living to the full and one thing that I have learned as a parent is it is their life not mine.

Luckily – so far – my kids have chosen nice boyfriends/girlfriends. And I am privately very proud of myself that I haven’t turned into a crazy banshee.

The girlfriend is lovely and my son seems happy. And like every mother I know if my kids are happy, I’m happy.   

Teenage kicks part 1: Dating

I’m jumping straight in here:

How do you deal with your teenager having a boyfriend/girlfriend? In this house we are gender stereotypes. I’ve been quite chilled about my 18 year old having a boyfriend. Her father however was hyperventilating at the beginning. Although, he has to admit the boyfriend is… well, he's someone you can happily take home and introduce to your parents. The thought, however, of my son dating anyone fills me with dread. He will be 17 this year, but he is still my baby in my head. I am completely irrational about this, and it is truly pathetic. So dating goes hand in hand with the party scene, in my experience. Neither of my kids started partying or socialising with people beyond their core group of friends till they hit 16. Then the social diary exploded. I think I had lulled myself into a false sense of security and thought that we were over the tricky years. But the full force of parties, drinking, boyfriends/girlfriends and negotiating pick up times hit us hard and life got tricky. More on this in another post I think. I know a lot of children start socialising early, sometimes from 12/13. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, personally I feel there are pros and cons to both early and late socialisers. My view on boyfriends is very different to my mother’s. She wouldn’t let my boyfriends in the house and often ignored their existence. I, however, choose to be supportive and like them, until they give me reason not to. Maybe I should consider the same approach to any of my son’s girlfriends who may turn up in the future. Of course, I think my parenting choice is the right one (!) but would I be so magnanimous if my daughter were 13? The 20 million dollar question is, of course, how old would your child need to be before you let their boyfriend/girlfriend stay the night? Does it make a difference if it is your son as opposed to your daughter? Does it make a difference if they have been together for a few months? I know a lot of people are divided on this one, and so many of my mates have differing views from my own. So I think soliciting as much advice as possible is a good way to go. What do you think? Impart your wisdom please ;-)