Mothers and daughters: is this possibly one of the most difficult relationships ever?

Whether you are a mother, daughter or an innocent bystander  - when sparks fly between a mother and a daughter - you better watch out.

Mothers and daughters know each other's weakest spots; exactly which buttons to press and which comments will cut to the bone.

We also know how to make things right for each other, how to comfort each other and what to say and when not to say it.

But why is this relationship such a potential minefield?

I feel it’s because a mother often sees her daughter as an extension of herself. Maybe even her second chance do things again, better, with experience and hindsight.

A mother wants to protect her daughter from making the same mistakes she’s made. She wants to give her daughter opportunities she never had.

I certainly know from my upbringing – my mother would often say she wanted me to have what she didn’t have growing up.

I feel, a mother wants her daughter to like her and maybe be a little like her too, even though we don’t always admit to this.

The trouble with all that of course is daughters are not an extension of their mothers – they are their own person, with a unique mind-set and journey...I was historically quite smug about my relationship with my daughter. Up to her 16th birthday, she was completely straightforward – no terrible twos, threes or twelves. We were close – ski weekends and trips to Rome – just the two of us.

But at 16, things changed dramatically. We disagreed A LOT. She seemed to actively push against things I would do or say. I knew she was becoming independent and carving out her own way of living, but I wondered why our charmed relationship had to change?

The last few years have been challenging at times. But now my daughter is 18 I could not be more proud. She is absolutely her own person. She is independent, opinionated, determined, committed, intelligent and vibrant.

Her life and outlook are in many ways completely different to mine - but quite right too.

I am sure we have more challenges coming our way. As a mother, well, actually as me, I find it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut sometimes. But after an unpredictable few years, our relationship is pretty great.

We are not in each others' pockets as much as I would like (!) but we still understand each other in a way that is particular to us.

I feel mothers, sometimes subconsciously and unfairly expect too much from their girls - even though we say we don’t - maybe it is hardwired somewhere and won’t really change.

But - as mothers, we could be more mindful of this and as daughters we could cut our mothers a little slack.

For me as daughter, I still find it hard to go against something my mother has said even if I don't agree with it and sometimes I end up resenting the situation.

My daughter, however, armed with her modern day voice and an arsenal of choices does not hesitate to shoot me down if need be.

I guess the last few years have been really eye opening with respect to my relationship with my daughter and how we move forwards. I have learnt that I can’t “make” her do or be anything she doesn’t want to be. And to be honest, I wouldn’t really want her to…. so I can’t really complain, can I?  

The Anti Oedipus complex

Do you ever feel like everything you say and do is wrong? That you’ve gone from being so aligned with someone to becoming a bit of an annoyance or an unnecessary irritation?

Over the last six to nine months, this is how my interactions with my son have felt; hence the tongue in cheek title of this post.

Don’t know get me wrong - he’s still wonderful and I love him madly. We do get on - but when we don’t, it feels like a really big deal, and things take much longer to resolve.

People used to make fun of me when he was young, because we were so close; in fact, a lot of friends used to tell me that I loved him too much.

Now I know I have written a few posts about teenage development, and this detachment from me is right and proper - he will be 17 in September after all. But when we have altercations, it is so much harder to bear than a similar situation with my daughter – now WHY is that?

Before you say anything – I love them both the same – obviously in different ways as they are different people and sometimes I get on better with one of than the other – but the amount of love is the same and boundless.

I think the point might be this - with my daughter I understood her development into adulthood implicitly, even though at times there were (and will be) difficult conversations and adjustments, I knew where she was coming from and what her motivations were. I could relate, as I went through very similar things.

My son however, has always been this pool of mystery and wonderment. I know so much about him, but I don’t know instinctively know how his brain works.

Every developmental change has felt so drastic though I know they are all normal - from going from a scrawny 10 year old to a muscular 16 year old, growing 9 inches in less than 6 months and being able to grow a proper beard.

Hand in hand with the physical changes there are the emotional ones too – which I guess I am experiencing the full force of now - he’s not always as talkative to me, he’s more private, he doesn’t want to cuddle me 24/7. It is true, other mothers told me this day would come, but I didn’t believe them…I recall that book from the 90s, “ Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. He is turning into a man, so his mother flinging herself onto him for a hug, is not met with enthusiasm!

I do know “my baby” is still in there - the sure fire of getting a cuddle is if I look sad or start to cry. And if you were wondering why on earth there is a picture of a marzipan chocolate bar on this post, he bought me one as a surprise.

Maybe I am just trying to hold onto him being a child a little while longer, whilst he is ready to step into adulthood.

I have always felt that a boy’s development into manhood is a little mismatched. There are boys who shave at 12 and look like men at 14 but emotionally still act like a 10 year old. Maybe for my son his brain and body are in tune…it’s just my brain that needs to catch up.