Slow Down to do More; My Search for Balance

I often visualise any given day, as a box - a finite space in which I cram as much as possible. I’m not saying my life is busier than anyone else’s. We all seem to live in a world that has a surreptitious accelerator built into it. Hours, days and weeks fly past and I find myself squeezing as much as I can into my virtual box and sometimes, stuff just spills out. It doesn’t all fit. But I need it to fit, how can I get to fit?

The start of this year has been dream like, but full on. Family life – always busy, work – gratifying but challenging – starting this gorgeous shiny blog, finishing final vocals for my lovely project with guitarist Francesco Lo Castro and meeting the incredible producer Andy Wright and bringing to life a covers concept I have had formulating in my head for a while. Life is in a groove right now.

Despite the fact that I love being busy, I can spiral into a whirlpool of latent stress. My default setting is to push through. Power on: whatever the cost. However the cost is often, my wellbeing and sanity. Couple this with the fact that I am very tough on myself; I am the queen of self-beration, in fact.

So I have found myself, over the last month, actively slowing down on my busiest days, taking breaks and hitting my personal pause button. And whilst slowing down goes against my natural state, I seem to be getting more done. It’s as though all the “stuff” suddenly has its own space and there is room to breathe.

For me this is progress. But balance is a delicate thing and I’m not sure I have mastered the subtleties yet. Sometimes we need to stop. I’m told it’s good for the soul. Last week is a good example:

I was in the studio from Tuesday. Everyday was great. On Thursday, we finished the vocals and the wine came out, so left my car at the studio and taxied it home at 1am. Luckily the next morning I felt fine, but a little bit of guilt crept in when I didn’t have my car to take my son to school. This was something I was meant to do.

Friday there was a gig and party at said studio. I think subconsciously I had allowed myself to let my hair down…and I did. It would be fair to say I was in a world of pain the next day, so all the work I had planned for Saturday was shelved. And then the berating started. I told myself I was wasting the day.

On Saturday we had a surprise dinner for my daughter’s 18th. I’m running on empty at this point, however, it may not surprise you to hear I rallied.

There is no doubt I needed a break. Every day is scheduled to the minute. So why can’t I allow myself to do nothing? Is the balance working hard, playing hard and then having time to be still?

So, briefly to the photo choice for this post. I don’t know why this pops into my head, but there used to be a Cadbury’s Caramel Advert with a bunny. All the animals would rush around her and she would chill out and say, “Take it easy with Cadbury’s Caramel” I know this is not the most Zen-like mantra, but it kinda works for me!

So, how do you balance your day? Are you annoyed when you don’t achieve what you wanted to? What is the difference between wasting a day and just chilling? Where is the balance?

The rules have gone out of the window...

I quite like rules and boundaries and sometimes I enjoy breaking them. But one of the most challenging things about parenting teenagers for me is it is incredibly hard to hold onto to the rules, whatever they may be.

A few friends with older children had warned me this would happen. I smiled sweetly, never thinking it would happen to me. After all, when my children were little, (say, up to the age of 10) things were relatively straightforward.

They had good sleeping routines, set meals times where they ate what they were given and I took them everywhere – school runs, parties, sports fixtures.

And if I said something I would stick to it. My kids are good… but they have missed parties, outings, TV programmes because I said those fateful words, “If you do that again, you are not going to….” In those days it was easy to stick to my guns. And though I didn’t realise it, I was largely in control. I miss those days.

Many of my friends who have younger children, look at me in disbelief, when I tell them parenting gets harder. How much harder can it be than when you’re literally doing everything for your children?

I’m not for one second saying that the first ten years aren’t hard. They are. These times whilst fun and rewarding are exhausting, and relentless.

On the days you get it right, you are so proud of yourself and the days you don’t - you want to crawl into a ball and hide…Anyway, the point is parenting just gets harder. I’m sorry, but it does, in ways you cannot anticipate.

Friends who have children the same age as mine (16 and 18) nod their heads in sympathy when I recount a particular event. Most say, “Yep, been there…”The problem is I can’t decide whether I should be reassured that we are all in the same crazy boat, or whether I should dig my heels in and make a stand.

So, some of my problems are these.

Teenagers are big and quite strong. I can’t pick them up and put them somewhere and know they will stay.

They don’t pre plan, I am told of plans at the last minute. Actually I blame social networking for this. In my day, you spoke to people or phoned them on a landline. Plans were set.

If I ask my teenagers to do something like hang the washing out, or empty the dishwasher, they say, “I’ll do it later”. If I ask them to tidy their rooms, I am told, “I like my room like this.” That wouldn’t fly with my folks.

And my biggest problem is that as children get older, they get more independent. They look like adults on the outside, but can still be quite childlike on the inside.

I don’t mean this in a remotely patronizing way. They are still your babies, just really big, especially the boys. And as a mother of a 16 year-old boy, puberty really is an eye opening experience, even second hand.

Anyway, carrying on. If they want to go out and be back late, there are huge negotiations. In fact, I’m fooled into thinking they are negotiating. Mostly, they have decided and committed on that evening’s itinerary, I’m just being informed.

They think they can walk home at any time of night and be safe. They think it’s fine to go somewhere without leaving details in case of emergency.

And don’t get me started on keeping in touch.

Every parent I know of a teenager has to adapt at lightening speed. But in the days of text/imessage/Whats App/and Facebook – is it really that hard to let me know you have arrived at whathisface’s party??I can no longer say, “If you do A then B will happen” because it simply does not carry the same weight as it used to.

I can no longer enforce meal times because, there is late hockey training, or they are not hungry yet, or they have to go to Costa straightaway because a friend is having an emotional drama.

I write this with some trepidation, I was a much more wayward teenager than my two and their mates. And I know a teenager’s job is to push the boundaries and be those strong, intelligent, assertive people, we bring them up to be.

And maybe it is unreasonable of me, but I miss the days when saying, “Because I said so”, was the end of the conversation.

The rules have gone out of the window. I’m flying by the seat of my pants and am hanging onto what little control I have by the flimsiest threads…can you relate?  

We are all meant to shine

I have throughout my life, struggled with self-esteem. As I small child I was quite shy and reclusive. I had very severe eczema, head to toe, so looked and felt awful for a good 8 years or so, from about 6 years old. When I hit my teenage years, the eczema started to improve and I did everything I could to make up for lost time and the consequences were sometimes quite shocking. I am and always have been drawn to extremes.

My upbringing was wonderful, but praise was never commonplace, so much so that an unfounded seed of insecurity was planted and took hold. There was always someone better, brighter, prettier, more intelligent, and more talented.

Now lots of people who know me well will be raising their eyebrows and rolling their eyes. How is she describing herself as shy or insecure? But we are all very adept at only showing people what we want them to see.

Anyway, a dear friend and mentor of mine recently mentioned the following passage. It is commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural Address but actually comes from the book 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson, an American spiritual teacher, author and lecturer.

It is a beautiful passage and makes me feel empowered in a really humble way, if that makes sense. It is quite religious, but I don’t think that you need to be to take in the sentiment. You may know it already but I wanted to share it with you, because sometimes reiteration is a lovely thing: "...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Toddlers versus Teenagers – Part 1: tantrums

When I think of writing anything linked to parenting I think of small children. Then I go to make a cup of tea and invariably see an adult-sized child lolloping in the kitchen. And maybe as my eldest turns 18 in a week, I’ve been thinking about whether the way you raise toddlers and teenagers is that different. And one of the things that come to mind about toddlers is tantrums – and how to contain them, or avoid them completely. Looking back, I was lucky. My children never had terrible twos or threes. I didn’t have to vacate a café or a shop with child tucked under my arm screeching and flailing its arms and legs all over the place. Public tantrums weren’t an issue for me. My kids are generally quite savvy, saving the trickiest moments for behind closed doors. She won’t thank me, but my daughter (the nearly 18 year old one) excelled at private tantrums. The worst was her extreme OCD for all things symmetrical. Laces on shoes had to tied the same way. The loops and hanging ends must be of the same length and size. Plaits or bunches had to be at the same height on her head or she would pull them out and start crying…I remember flipping between exasperation and just laughing at her. And the only thing my son did was insisting on going to the supermarket as Spiderman. I found this very hard initially, as I had always vowed pre-children that ‘I would never be one of those mothers’. Well turned out I was… and quite frankly I diverted any potential tantrum and got the shopping done, so anything for a quiet life. And the one thing I have learned is you have to pick your battles. I do not claim to be an expert on parenting. I’m just a parent. But retaining the balance of power or control is, I think, the way to go, along with never backing down. I used to find this easier the younger my children were. Saying ‘if you do this - that will happen’ was a relative breeze in years 1-7. It got, and continues to get, trickier to stand my ground. Teenagers, unsurprisingly, are more sophisticated. A teenager’s tantrum arsenal comprises: grumpiness, insolence, rudeness, backchat, the cold shoulder and coming home late. The last one is my least favourite as it fills me with unbelievable worry. Long gone are the days when a child kicks off, I can pick him or her up and put them in their room. My son is 70kgs of muscle, there is no way I am moving him anywhere. Teenagers are less malleable. And a DVD for half and hour is not going to appease them. So what to do? Teenage tantrums can quickly turn into a heated argument, where you both end up saying something you regret. So I guess whilst as a parent you are so angry inside, the trick is to be calm and clear on the outside. Well that’s the theory anyway. Let me know if you can actually do this!

I guess tantrums are fundamentally about having your own way and who doesn't want their own way? To be honest, if I could get away with throwing the odd tantrum, I probably would…what about you?

Teenage kicks part 1: Dating

I’m jumping straight in here:

How do you deal with your teenager having a boyfriend/girlfriend? In this house we are gender stereotypes. I’ve been quite chilled about my 18 year old having a boyfriend. Her father however was hyperventilating at the beginning. Although, he has to admit the boyfriend is… well, he's someone you can happily take home and introduce to your parents. The thought, however, of my son dating anyone fills me with dread. He will be 17 this year, but he is still my baby in my head. I am completely irrational about this, and it is truly pathetic. So dating goes hand in hand with the party scene, in my experience. Neither of my kids started partying or socialising with people beyond their core group of friends till they hit 16. Then the social diary exploded. I think I had lulled myself into a false sense of security and thought that we were over the tricky years. But the full force of parties, drinking, boyfriends/girlfriends and negotiating pick up times hit us hard and life got tricky. More on this in another post I think. I know a lot of children start socialising early, sometimes from 12/13. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, personally I feel there are pros and cons to both early and late socialisers. My view on boyfriends is very different to my mother’s. She wouldn’t let my boyfriends in the house and often ignored their existence. I, however, choose to be supportive and like them, until they give me reason not to. Maybe I should consider the same approach to any of my son’s girlfriends who may turn up in the future. Of course, I think my parenting choice is the right one (!) but would I be so magnanimous if my daughter were 13? The 20 million dollar question is, of course, how old would your child need to be before you let their boyfriend/girlfriend stay the night? Does it make a difference if it is your son as opposed to your daughter? Does it make a difference if they have been together for a few months? I know a lot of people are divided on this one, and so many of my mates have differing views from my own. So I think soliciting as much advice as possible is a good way to go. What do you think? Impart your wisdom please ;-)

Being thankful

It is very fitting to have this start my blog, week one. I am so excited to be doing this, and appreciating whatever life gives me and being grateful is really important to me.I have posted this prayer/poem a number of times on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. I always come back to it. I found it quite some time ago trawling on the Internet, looking for inspiration.

It is something that has a wonderfully positive effect on me. It calms me, focuses me and reminds me of what is important.

I am very good at whipping myself into a frenzy; I’d like to be more present than I am sometimes.

My brain has this crazy scatter gun approach to a thousand things at once; it’s compulsive and non-stop. Sometimes for creativity this works really well, but it never allows me to be still. And often, I crave the clarity of stillness.

That’s when stopping, reading something beautiful and, in this case saying thank you, can be quite powerful. I feel like there is a lovely energy that washes over me… I really hope that doesn't sound pretentious.

Anyway, I wanted to post this for you – one of my favourite Gratitude prayers/poems: 

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,

if you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something

for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations

because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge

because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes

they will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary

because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfilment comes to those who are

also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles

and they can become your blessings.

~ Author Unknown ~

Shoes, shoes and more shoes

Shopping is an addiction I enjoy, and dresses and shoes are two of my weaknesses. I think maybe shoes edge it slightly. I will pretty much always start an outfit from the bottom up.

I think Marilyn Monroe said, “Give a girl the right pair of shoes and she can conquer the world.” I’m with Marilyn on this one… perhaps not the world, but certainly your bit of it. A lovely pair of shoes gives you "instant sassy" on your feet.

Anyway, I thought I’d share a few of my favorites that go with pretty much anything, and my most recent footwear purchases, from the Christmas sales.

Firstly, Sam Edelman. Sharkskin Anastasia Kid Suede Shoe. Not crazily expensive for designer shoes and really comfortable. To be honest, these tick so many of my boxes. Shoe boot - check. Comfortable - check. Suede - check. Grey - check. I love all colours but there is something very chic about grey in my opinion. I think these come in black and a burgundy too and are still on sale. For me, these are a "do anything, go anywhere" shoe. The next pair are Vicmatie, an Italian brand who have boots sewn up, as far as I'm concerned. Also, grey, suede, but I promise there is some variety coming! These are probably my most sensible pair of shoes/boots. Sturdy and hard wearing, provided you spray the suede to protect it against the rain. In my head these are basically flat... Now come the two Christmas splurges that I secretly put on my credit card. When a pair of shoes feels and looks good sometimes budgetary constraints go out the window and lust takes over...These are the first offenders ;-) They are Dolce and Gabbana, Crystine lace ankle boots. Again a shoe boot, but so delicate. I was deliberating for a long time about lace shoe boots and some were ridiculously expensive and and a lot of the high street versions didn't look like they would stand the test of time. Whether I spend £20 or £200, I really like things to last. This next pair were a real extravagance but in my defence the leather is like butter, they fit like a glove and are an awesome colour. Without fail, when I wear these someone compliments me on the shoes. They are Gianvito Rossi. Whilst looking through my current favs, I rediscovered, these lovely black, suede boots from Office. I love Office. For me, they produce fantastic shoes and boots that are often so close to an exact luxury brand design at a fraction of the cost. These are a few years old. I remember lusting after a pair of Christian Louboutin boots that I simply couldn't justify, even in my contrived mind. Then one day I was running chores in Wimbledon town and I walked into Office for some R&R and, to my delight, found these. Not exactly the same as the Louboutins obviously, but a definite nod in the right direction. Admittedly they are a bit scuffed, but they make me smile. As you may have realised I am a heel girl. I’ve been wearing heels since I was sixteen, I'm short (5'2") and walk a lot better in heels. Put me in pumps or sneakers and I tend to waddle like a duck. Heels seem to make me stride along and improve my posture.

To me, the shoes that stand the test of time are the ones that don’t date, go with a multitude of outfits and are comfortable.Shoes that I can’t walk in, or stand in for hours, when I’m performing for instance, are no good to me.

Like anything, walking high heels takes practice. I’m not for one minute saying I am the perfect heel wearer, but no one likes to see someone tottering and stumbling along in shoes they can’t walk in.

Just to reinforce the power of my addiction, I took a picture of the bottom half of my shoe cupboard (!).I know some people take photos of their shoes and put them on the outside. I like to label them, by make, style, material or an event that reminds of the shoes. I have some shoes from Aldo that I wore in a music video several years ago, that I think you can see at the bottom. I would love to know what your current fave shoes are and if/how you like to organise them. Leave me a comment below so we can compare collections!