The best songs ever written are…

I think this a never-ending sentence. For every song we can be disparaging about, there are many more that are spectacular, in our own opinion.

I know I have done a few “top ten” posts over the last week but don’t worry there’s not another list coming because my list would be endless. Could you really limit yourself to your top ten or even top 100 best songs of all time?

Indulge me for a minute here. For me songs are kinda like a bottle of wine, in the sense that it is subjective. In the way a particular grape or vintage may not suit everyone’s tastes, music is the same…Not sure why I have wine on the brain, but my point is whilst they may be some songs that are unequivocally the “best” in many people’s view – the criteria on which I judge a song and deem it to be the best and your criteria may not be the same.

Of course there are killer melodies and arrangements, clever chord progressions, really simple chord progressions, beautiful lyrics and stunning vocal deliveries, but often we don’t dissect all that when we listen to a song. I tap into the rush of emotion that a song I love evokes; this is what the best songs create, in my opinion. But I suppose all these factors and more add up to a song standing the test of time and being regarded as amongst the best.

It probably won’t surprise you that when I Googled “best songs ever written” there are many, many lists covering different genres, decades, everything really.

Last year NME compiled their 500 greatest songs of all time (http://www.nme.com/photos/the-500-greatest-songs-of-all-time-100-1/330996). A quick scan of this list and a few other listings on the net showed a few repeat entries – Michael Jackson’s, “Billie Jean”, Nirvana’s “Smells like Teen Spirit” and The Beach Boys’ “Good Vibrations” to name a few. I’m certainly not going to quibble here, as I love all three songs.

According to NME, the list was compiled from their writers past and present, where each individual was asked to submit a list of their top 50 songs and all these lists were collated. I guess here we get the “expert” view and we can argue over whether we agree or not. I’m sure there are other lists are complied looking at record sales/chart positions.

There’s a Rolling Stone’s “500 Greatest songs of all time” published in 2004, which lists its top ten as: 

1. Bob Dylan - Like a Rolling Stone

2. The Rolling Stones – I can’t get no satisfaction

3. John Lennon – Imagine

4. Marvin Gaye – What’s Going on

5. Aretha Franklin – Respect

6. The Beach Boys – Good Vibrations

7. Chuck Berry – Johnny B Goode

8. The Beatles – Hey Jude

9. Nirvana _ Smells like Teen Spirit

10. Ray Charles – What I’d say

 I come back to subjectivity; to me there are just too many incredible songs that I would consider to be the best, for many different reasons.I almost succumbed to writing a list, but I am going to stop myself. Instead I’ll ask this - which songs would make it onto your “best songs ever written” list? And is “best” the same as “favourite”? How do you judge?   

My top ten favourite male vocalists of all time

On Tuesday, I posted my top ten favourite female vocalists of all time.

All week, I have been thinking about this "male" list and interestingly it has been a much harder list to compile.

I think maybe because I listen to male and female singers in very different ways. I certainly wouldn't compare myself to anyone on my top ten female singers list but if they sing a song in a similar key to me, I do tap into their sound colours and vocal delivery in a way that I just wouldn't if I were listening to a male singer. If nothing else, for me as a singer it is a great learning tool to adapt and recreate sounds and textures that a female singer I revere uses. Often, I can't do this in the same way when listening to a male singer, unless they sing in a register similar to me.

I have also realised that I find it harder to separate out the performer  from the voice when it comes to a male singer and I have no idea why. I had hoped that as I type it would come to me, but no.So here they are, in no particular order:

Tom Waits:

Johnny Cash:

Stevie Wonder:

Freddie Mercury:

Prince:

Michael Jackson:

Otis Redding:

Jeff Buckley:

Bruno Mars: 

Adam Lambert: 

Now this is a pretty formidable list. Amazing, gorgeous voices - with depth, range and richness. But I could pretty much do another list and on it would be: Leonard Cohen, Smokey Robinson, James Taylor, Bob Dylan, Chet Baker, Billy Joel, Elvis Presley and Corey Taylor.

I do find this list thing very hard, maybe it is committing it to writing that I find difficult?! Anyway, maybe I'll do a "Part Two" sometime.

You were kind enough to share your thoughts on the female singers list, let me know if you agree with my choices or not. Who would be on your list?

When my brain needs calming...

When I have very full busy weeks like this one, my brain can go into a bit of a tailspin and I often find it hard to focus on one thing at a time as I have so much to do. I’m not sure if this is a quirk of me, or the same for most people, as we all have so much to juggle in our daily lives. For me, any kind of order goes out of the window and chaos ensues.

In times like these, though it has taken me a while, I am finally learning to stop - temporarily at least. And my “go-to happy place” when I do stop is reading poetry and lyrics. Immersing myself in beautifully written words is so soothing for me, and if I'm really lucky I become inspired to write some of my own.

I can’t quite articulate why it felt right to post this poem by Maya Angelou today, but it just did.

I have many music, motherhood and Parry type ramblings coming your way over the next few weeks, but for now enjoy the power of Ms Angelou… 

Still I rise - Maya Angelou 

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise. Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard?

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?Does it come as a surprise?

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise I rise I rise. 

My top ten favourite female vocalists of all time

Under slight duress I decided to compile a list of my favourite singers. If you know me at all, you will know I’m not a fan of saying this is my favourite anything – not because I’m fickle, as I don’t think I am…but I like to reserve the right to change my mind! I think there is a subtle distinction here...

Anyway, yesterday, this started out as my top five favourite singers of all time, but I couldn’t limit myself. So I changed it to my top ten - my blog, my rules I guess?!

So, in no particular order, here’s my list:

1. Judy Garland:

2. Barbra Streisand:

3. Whitney Houston:

4. Annie Lennox:

5. Aretha Franklin:

6. Nina Simone:

7. Nancy Wilson:

8. Clare Bowen:

9. Megan Hilty:

10. Pink

 And whilst I am not going to critique each singer, as there are/were incredible in my opinion and I really don’t think it is my place to do so; the good thing about putting this list together it is has clarified in broad terms what I like and why I like it.

All these women have big voices and amazing ranges. But I think the thing that ties them all together is their beautiful rich tones; this is something I adore. Looking at this list, puts a huge smile on my face, I could listen to these amazing vocalists all day and all night.

There are of course exceptions to the "big voice thing" – I love hearing the effortlessness and intimacy of Norah Jones, the emotion and mastery of Joni Mitchell....Chrissie Hynde’s voice is so unique and characterful as is Cyndi Lauper’s – who actually has a huge voice too... See, this is why I don’t favour lists!?

I am pretty sure, someone I know well, will say, ”I can’t believe you missed off "so and so", and I am trying to rack my brains before I post, to check I haven’t. But, if you think I have, please tell me. And tell me what you think. If you made a list who would be in your top ten?       

What makes you think of a person as a star?

(Robin WIlliams in Los Angeles on Friday, Aug. 14, 2009. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles))

Nowadays, there are some words that are thrown around all too frequently, in my opinion – legend, icon, and star, even a god, which I heard this morning on the radio about a footballer.

Maybe, I am getting old, but I find this free and easy labelling increasingly irritating. We do live in a world where there is fantastic talent in so many areas of life, but there are degrees - and true stardom, to me, is something quite unusual.

True stars have talent and are excellent at what they do, that’s a given, but there is something more, something intangible, that makes them special.

I don’t believe the majority of true greats decided one day that they were at the pinnacle of their careers; it just became glaringly obvious to everyone else. People, I consider to be stars, as I said have talent of course but it takes time, experience, integrity, persistence, determination and humility. And the people we revere that attain this title share their talents with us unreservedly - it is at their very core and it literally pours out of them.

At the moment, I am thinking particularly about BB King, whom the world lost on Friday. Sadly, I never saw him perform live, but he had such an impact on my musical life. And on hearing of his passing it felt like there was a sombre cloud over many people’s moods.

Another such man, in my eyes, was Robin Williams. I remember, how upset so many of my friends and I were to hear of his death, last year. Mastery like his seemed to be a god- gifted talent, as my mother would call it, so intertwined with his character and being, it looked effortless.

Of course, much of this “stardom” labelling is subjective. Even if certain people are viewed favourably by the masses, there will always be someone who will call their “status” into question, or disagree. But there are some, like BB King and Robin Williams, who are universally accepted as legends.

And over the last year or so, we have lost some incredible talent: Maya Angelou, Bob Hoskins, Rik Mayall, Joe Cocker, Lauren Bacall and Richard Attenborough, to name a few as well as of course Robin Williams and BB King. These names are just off the top of my head and I would be interested to know if anyone would call into question the star like qualities of anyone on the list above.

And I would love to know what qualities you think people have whom you consider to be iconic. Who do you think of as a star?...

And because it is still so raw and fresh in my mind, here's another BB King song, not that I think we really need a reason. I struggled to listen to this all the way through on Friday, but I have made progress...in the words of the spectacular Mr King: “Let the good times roll…”

Elephants and mothers never forget

There are certain traits I believe a woman acquires when she becomes a mother. It doesn’t really matter what you were like pre-children, you give birth and become rewired in a subtle but profoundly different way.

You take on multi tasking, you become really great at thinking on your feet. But top of the list, I think is, not forgetting ANYTHING.

All mothers I know are a veritable encyclopaedia on their children. This is a double edge sword – the milestones and lovely memories are wonderful to recall. But everything is in there; illnesses, cheekiness, naughtiness…and woe betide anyone who has done my child wrong. Even if you are friends now, if you have ever made my child sad or cry, I will never forget. Just like an elephant.

I remember the tears, the sadness and the drama as if it were yesterday. And this is a dreadful admission, but once someone has had a negative interaction with one of my kids it completely colours the way I think of that person, even if it was five or ten years ago and my child is over it and they are really good friends with said person, or the person is a distant memory and no longer in their lives.

This is of course awful and hypocritical as I am endlessly telling my kids to forgive and forget, be kind and compassionate...maybe this falls into the parenting category of “ do as I say, not as I do”??It’s not that I am never forgiving, or compassionate and I really hope I am kind - it’s just in certain instances – where my kids are in involved my primal instincts take over and forgiving becomes selective. And I simply can’t forget.

I could even recount an event or conversation of a particular altercation that one of my children told me, word for word, if you wanted me to. This drives my kids crazy. They will just say, “If I’m over it, you should be over it!”

And though I try I really can’t seem to let those visceral feelings go.

I realize I am not painting myself in the best light here, but maybe a realistic light? I am not perfect, but like most mothers I will go above and beyond to look out for my kids whatever the instance – big or small. Am I a nightmare? Should I just forget stuff and let it go? Or can you relate? PS: So, me being me, I had to look up where the phrase “elephants never forget” comes from, as it is weird to compare a person to an elephant. It turns out that apparently studies have shown elephants do have strong abilities to recall people, places, and behavior. They can recall people who trained them when they were young, whom they haven’t seen for over 20 years. So I guess this ability to keep track of information for many decades that has generated the phrase - an elephant never forgets… just like your mother!

What do you think if an artist you love records covers?

 Covers can be a contentious subject. Is a cop out? Should an artist only perform original songs? Are you a lesser artist if you don’t write your own material? Can of worms, right here…A lot of artists or musicians can be quite disparaging of covers. But I think it all comes down to choice, and by that I mean the choice of repertoire.

This is something at the forefront of my mind right now, as I am currently working on my own covers project. It started out as an EP and is turning into an album and I have to say I am really enjoying the process.

I love the covers I have picked, obviously. They mean a lot to me, I never pick repertoire that I don’t connect with. I am hoping they are innovative enough to sound fresh and new, with a respectful nod to the artist or band and time in which they originally sit.

I learned very quickly in my Jazz gig days that the best songs I sang were the ones I connected with. There are so many beautiful songs out there, but if I didn’t relate to them lyrically or melodically, how could I sing them credibly to you, and make you believe me?

And I think that’s the point. Singing covers in my view is just another way of expressing yourself and presenting your creative vision. Covers to me are a bit like a performance of a play, the text can be read in a number of ways and if executed with thought and intention the result can be wonderful, and as valid as the original.

The cover that springs to mind here is Adele’s, “Make you feel my love”. Written and originally recorded by Bob Dylan, Adele has done a beautiful job of this song in my opinion and I feel made Bob Dylan much more accessible to a generation who is unfamiliar with his work, which is a great thing. One of my favourite covers is Tori Amos’ version of the Boomtown Rats’, “I don’t like Mondays”, well worth a listen, if you haven’t heard it.

What is interesting though is I feel there are some songs that can’t be “made your own” to use that dreadful X factor phrase. You can state them, as they are heart-stoppingly beautiful but they can’t be tampered with, or stray too far from the original concept. Joni Mitchell’s “Both sides now” and “17” by Janis Ian come to mind. But hey, if you know a really different version of either of these songs please let me know.

Personally I feel covers have their place; they are a great way of instantly connecting with an audience who doesn’t know you. I love hearing artists I admire sing covers and often get inspired with what they have done. So what do you think – yes or no to covers?         

The Strength Of A Man

This is not the post I planned to write today, but I felt compelled to post this. My father has been on my mind a lot this week. It has been over 11 years since he passed away and sometimes I feel ashamed I don't sit and think of him more often. Not in a sad way, but just remembering stuff, and more stuff.

Anyway, earlier this week, my mum and I were talking and planning a cinema trip. This led her to a story about my dad. They used to go to the Leicester Square Odeon a lot, in the days when I think films were just looped so you could go and watch the last 30 minutes of something and then stay for the next showing and watch your chosen film from the beginning. Well, this is how I understand it from my mum.

The funny thing was, she was really complaining about how my father loved to do this, even though it used to ruin the film for her. This made me laugh out loud. Because I am exactly the same. It drives most people I know crazy. Knowing the ending of a film, book, any plot spoiler does not ruin my enjoyment at all. And I've always known this was a little weird, but I thought it was just me. In all the time I was growing up, I didn't know about this similarity. Now I do, it just makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Since that conversation with my mother, my brain has been flooded with thoughts of my father. I guess once you start thinking about someone love, it is hard to stop.

So with my father at the forefront of my mind this morning I happened on a website, which had a poetry section and this title jumped out at me. Slightly unrelated perhaps, but all roads at the moment lead back to my father in my head. When I young I didn't understand that my dad's softness and sensitivity were among his greatest strengths. I have to share this poem with you, which to me, screams my father's name. I hope it resonates with you, about someone. I have googled Jacqueline Marie Griffiths and can't seem to find info on her. If you know about her, please let me know, so I can thank her for this beautiful poem. 

The Strength Of A Man by Jacqueline Marie Griffiths

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.

It's in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.

It's in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.

It's how good of buddies he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.

It's in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.

It's in how tender he touches.

The strength in a man isn't in the hair on his chest.

It's in his Heart...that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved.

It's in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.

It's in the burdens he can carry.

© July 15, 1999 Jacqueline Marie Griffiths (written for Hunt D. Rochon)

What was the most influential year for music according to you?

So, yesterday there was an interesting article on the BBC news website called “Pop music marked by three revolutions in 50 years” written by Rebecca Morelle. It got me thinking about whether I could remember a time, a year, in conjunction with a band or a song that changed everything for me, when music went from a mere pleasure to a total passion.

The article outlines a study, purely scientific, which was carried out by a team from Queen Mary University of London and Imperial College London, who looked at more than 17,000 songs from the US Billboard Hot 100, analysing the evolution of pop music from 1960 to 2010.The research found three years to be particularly significant. 1964 when there was an increased influx of British bands like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones into the industry introducing a new rockier sound, as the jazz and blues harmonies started to fade from contemporary music. 1983, when new technology led the way – electronic music was born with the aid of synthesisers, samplers and drum machines and lastly 1991, when rap and hip-hop became mainstream.1983 definitely resonates for me. But would I say it was the most influential year for music in my opinion? Well, it’s definitely up there. The 1980s were a really important time for my musical journey. I was immersed in classical music, but then a change of guitar teacher introduced me to jazz, soon after I started singing in a jazz band. At the same time, I began writing songs, met a new group of mates and started singing in a rock band.

And thinking about it, 1983 has in its hall of fame: "Billie Jean", "Every Breath You Take”, "Total Eclipse Of The Heart”, "Come On Eileen”, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)”, "Let's Dance”, "Africa”, and "Flashdance” – to name a few. It was also the year when Michael Jackson released possibly the most influential pop video of all time -Thriller. Ok, so it was a pretty big year…But for me, I need to go further back, when I was really young. I think the first album I ever owned was Parallel Lines by Blondie and that was 1978. My dad bought it for me on cassette and I played it non-stop, till the tape machine mangled the tape. To me, this album was so ahead of its’ time and I think it was from that point that my ears started listening in a different way, open to everything - all sounds and all genres.

So what about you? Can you say without doubt which year was the most influential for music, for you personally? Have there been multiple years that you feel are as important in your life with music? I’d love to know what you think.

Exam season is upon us – so how do you handle it as a parent?

The double whammy has arrived. GCSEs have started and A Levels are hot on their heels. And maybe this is a bit back to front in a parenting type post, but I have been thinking about how us parents deal with the exam period.

Parenting like many situations in life has a disarming way of showing you both sides of the story. As my kids have prepared for their exams, I have recalled all too well the drudgery of revision, the feeling that you want to go out and do anything but revise.

Guiltily, I remember putting in “several hours of revision” staring at my bedroom wall, thumbing through magazines, listening to music…I really hope my mum isn’t reading this… and this isn’t what my kids have been doing. Anything was more appealing at times than actually learning endless facts, figures and equations.

Now, the shoe is definitely on the other foot. I am the parent. I am the mother. I've been there, done that, I have experience and wisdom. But empathy doesn’t help here; it is not welcomed. My kids unequivocally have no interest in the fact that their parents have been through what they are going through.

So as a parent how do we deal with the revision and exam period? I know we are not taking the exams, but there is a “no fun” vibe that has permeated the atmosphere in my home, I’m guessing it’s the same for you? It is hard from this side of the fence. Letting go, standing by, watching as life unfolds in front of you is like a crazy slow motion film, which you cannot control, but you desperately hope will turn out well.

So here are a few things I do to get by:

1. Food. Maybe it is the woman in me, or the mother, or the very dominant Indian genes but food is vital. Cooking for my kids - so I feel I am being of some use and they are for the most part eating well. Food also serves as a kind of therapy for me; cooking from scratch takes time and I find it oddly relaxing...and I love to eat.

2. Being busy. I am pretty busy anyway, but during this period it is even more important. I need my brain to be well and truly occupied and challenged. I feel very grateful that at the moment my time is being snaffled up with this blog and three music projects on the go.

3. Avoid school coffee mornings. I’m not an anti social wotsit, I love meeting up with friends, although I would always choose alcohol over coffee. The people (women), I’m trying to avoid talk incessantly about how much work their children have done and whip everyone in the surrounding area into a frenzied state. This is a whirlpool you cannot escape if you are in the vicinity, so do like me, avoid it.

4. Be around but be invisible. It is impossible not to care, worry and wonder how your kids’ exams are going and how they are. So I find just “being around” when I can quite effective. My study is the basement and the kitchen is above me…so when I hear someone rummaging around in the fridge I realize I need a cup of tea. My teenagers might not always say anything, but they might. They can chat or vent if they need to and I feel part of what they are going through. Momentarily it eases my latent stress.

 Exams are part of the education system, so we all have to get on with it, we know this, but it really is no fun for any of us. Roll on the summer holidays, I say. What do you think? 

What kind of music do you like?

I wonder if you are like me and get kinda tongue tied when you are asked this question. I think it is one of my least favourite questions -partly because I don’t like being put on the spot and partly, what a sad admission this is, I don’t really like being judged.

I know the judging here is superficial; it’s not a clash of moral principles or political ideals, though we can all get quite het up when vociferously defending our musical choices. I have to confess, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, chatting away to someone as they reel off artists they like and then internally wrinkling my nose at a name they say, thinking, “Really?!”

Music is such a huge part of my life as a singer but also as a listener and we all go through phases of listening to certain types of music - discovering new music, rediscovering old tracks, like long lost friends. So ask me on a certain day and I may say John Coltrane, later in the week it may be Stone Sour.

I love connecting with people over musical tastes and choices, but equally love it when you meet someone whose taste is vastly different from your own. It’s an opportunity to delve into a whole new world of creativity. Since working with Krossbow, my ears have been opened up to a whole new genre. Tipper and Culprate are definitely worth a listen, as are Krossbow!

I know that when I am working on a particular project I flip between immersing myself in similar vibes to enjoying music that is the polar opposite of what I am doing. When I write for my blog I like to listen to a lot of instrumental music, it bubbles away in my subconscious without the lyrical content taking hold.

I suppose I love music that is authentic, music with soul, guts, and true intention. Music that makes me happy, that makes me rise to my feet and dance like crazy, music that makes me fling my hair around so my neck hurts, songs that I can’t sing along to because the words are so emotive they make me cry, music that reaches into my gut and makes me feel desperate. Music that makes me feel. And of course, there is nothing like real, great, live music coursing through your veins.

The flip side I suppose is predictable. I hate manufactured music. Going through the motions music. And I can’t bear songs in which you can’t hear 80% of the lyrics. I know I sound old now…This is not an exhaustive list by any means but; I love Chet Baker, John Coltrane, Billie Holiday, Judy Garland, Tom Waits, Blondie, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Queen, Matt Bianco, Brand New Heavies, Johnny Cash, Eminem, Michael Jackson, Prince, Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, Aloe Blacc, Pink, Imagine Dragons, Passenger, Chopin, Beethoven, Stone Sour, White Stripes, Bruno Mars, Eva Cassidy and of course the artists featured on "I'm listening to.."…I could go on, but you might get bored, so I’ll stop. What about you? Who is on your list? What kind of music do you like?  

Parental worry – do you fight it or surrender to it?

Last week my daughter passed her driving test. I was delighted. It’s a rite of passage, correct? Of course it is, as a parent your heart swells with pride when your child reaches a new milestone. And as they get older, each landmark your child reaches brings with it more autonomy. And for you – more worry.

Whilst as a person in your own right you may be a rational, reasonable individual, as a parent all bets are off when you consider any situation and your child.

I am pretty sure any parent has at some point taken a routine event, like running to the local supermarket or going to a party and with a few “what ifs” turned it into a disaster worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.

I have to say I hate this worry gene I have acquired since becoming a parent. I wonder if there’s something in the air when you give birth, because it permeates every pore. Fathers are not immune, though in my experience the “worry gene” is more predominant in mothers.

My mother is the queen of worry and it still drives me crazy. When I was in my teens, she would be quite fearful of me going out late at night, or going away with mates so much so that often I wasn’t allowed. The problem with that is, as I got older I didn’t tell her. Probably just as well she didn’t find out or nothing went wrong – that certainly wouldn’t have helped with the worry!! Although I had to extricate myself from some pretty tricky situations…In my own subjective perspective I think my mother’s worry is extreme. But having children, wonderful though it is, can mess with your head.

You can think about what they are going to do, or are wanting to do and think back to what you did and you can reconcile whatever it is. You’re chilled, been there, done that – what’s the problem? But then parental worry takes over…having BEEN in their shoes, you know what could happen - how things can go awry. You are looking at every situation with your baby in mind.

And when I am in that mindset, it doesn’t matter that my daughter is 18, passed her driving test and IS actually a great driver. Every negative eventuality races through my mind…But in reality, what I am going to do? Drive with her everywhere? I don’t have crazy protective powers, although those would be more useful than worrying…I guess worry is just a parent’s lot. I can’t fight the worry - it’s in me - intertwined with the crazy love I feel for my kids. I won’t surrender to it either, I just know it’s there and sometimes I say the most ridiculous things out loud, because I worry and then I try to close the door on it.

I know life is for living to the fullest of anyone’s ability and me worrying isn’t going change the outcome of anything.

Anyway, this year, I have to brace myself for my kids away at festivals, inter-railing with friends through Europe and my baby (17 in September) learning to drive too. It literally is never ending…so what do you do? How do you keep a lid on your parental worry?  

When life is busy, how do you look after yourself?

(The view from my hotel room)

Do you know when to stop and recharge? Do you have a balance of working hard, and then unwinding so you are truly refreshed? I don’t. So, really what I’m looking for here is advice.

I’m a “get stuff done now so you’re ahead of yourself” person, a compulsive list maker, a “hardly ever say no” person. I love my work, writing songs, coming up with new creative ideas, thinking of posts for this blog and so often work 7 days a week, and of course I have a family…And though this is how I choose to live my life, the problem is I literally never stop.

I have found this year that life has taken on a different pace. Increasingly I feel the need relax and do nothing. But I am not very good at it and curiously the thought of taking time to do nothing for myself makes me feel guilty. I think this is a "mother" thing.

I have tried to book the odd beauty treatment as an “enforced” time out, but I find myself scheduling studio days and answering emails whilst trying not to scuff lovely manicured nails. Even I know that’s not relaxing.

So this weekend just gone, I decide to do something bold. I booked a hotel in Cotswolds, chucked a few things in a bag and jumped in car on my own. Funnily enough, last week a few girlfriends and I were talking about a spa break, but that wouldn’t be for a few months and would take some coordination. And whilst I am looking forward to doing that, I needed to hit pause now.

So, I drove off just before lunchtime on Saturday, having made sure the house was clean and the washing was done. There was a bit of traffic, but the weather was so gorgeous it wasn’t a hardship and I remembered that driving without any time constraints is a joy.

A few hours later I arrived at the little hotel I had booked. Checked in and did nothing. I read my book, I snoozed, I had a shower, went down to the bar had a drink, ate some yummy food and then went to bed at 9.30pm.You may be thinking, I sound really sad and pathetic but I loved it. I am just not used to taking time out for me. It’s not the way I am wired. But I realised I spend most of my time "doing", even if I love what I’m doing, and for just over 24 hours I benefitted from just "being". And the funny thing is this, though I didn’t take any work with me, on Sunday morning when I woke alarm free – my brain was buzzing with ideas.

I would love to tell I put my wellies or walking boots (neither of which I own) and went for a long walk in the countryside, but I didn’t. For a city girl like me, being in the country and looking at it was a good first step. I drove home feeling energised and refreshed.

So how good are you at looking after yourself? Do you feel you have good work/rest balance in your life? Do you stop and take time out for yourself? Tell me what you do; I would love to know.        

Krossbow featuring Parry Ray – my latest collaboration

(Krossbow)

So yesterday was my first studio session with these guys – Jon (on the left) and Colin (on the right), otherwise known as Krossbow.

They are an electronic duo who met at university and have been writing, gigging and DJing together ever since. Last year they played at Glastonbury and BoomTown.

My musical journey has been an unconventional one, so in some respects this fits perfectly. A few years ago, I silently promised myself I would explore every musical opportunity that came my way; maybe I put something out there in the ether?

I was in the middle of my project with friend and guitarist Francesco Lo Castro and planning out my covers album that I am currently in the process of recording with producer Andy Wright, when I met Colin.

Colin’s day job is to teach musicians like me to use the software Logic, so I booked a few lessons. In the process of learning how to record my own stuff using scary software, the conversations turned to all things musical. And I think it struck both of us that the diversity in our musical knowledge, experience and delivery when blended together could produce something quite cool.

Anyway, after my lessons, we kept in touch, talking about work and possible collaborations. Whilst I was truly excited at the prospect – I couldn’t see the way forward, as I didn’t have a solid idea. Anyway in March, quite out of the blue, the Krossbow guys dropped me an email with an attachment - a dubstep tune with a jazzy feel.

So, the moment of truth, I clicked on the attachment and listened. Did I like it? Could I write anything for it? Could I sing on something like this? Oh yes! I emailed back straightaway to find out what kind of lyrics they wanted me to write and then started working on topline ideas.

So this is what I can tell you. For the first time of being in the studio together we settled into our groove very quickly. And it turned out to be an exhilarating, inspiring day. Of all the projects I am working on at the moment, on first listening this may the furthest away from Parry Ray as you know me, but make no mistake there is a lot of me in there.

Krossbow are currently working on their first full-length album covering multiple genres and styles. And I think, from what they have said, the development of each track has been very organic. They are making music they want to make and working with people they want to work with – pretty ideal I think. Check them out at https://soundcloud.com/krossbow

And if you are in need of a musical Parry Ray fix, check out the Highlights section on Parry Ray in Harmony with my YouTube vids.

Five things parents do that teenagers hate

I thought I would look at parenting from my children’s viewpoint. So yesterday I asked my kids what I did that annoyed them. My son, without hesitation, said it was impossible to narrow it down to five things and my daughter; well she didn’t seem remotely interested in venting. So I thought back over the last few months and put together this list of five things.

1. Telling them what you would have done in a particular situation and how you were as a teenager. This is an offence most parents I know are guilty of. And the funny thing is as with most things our intentions as parents, are to help and impart wisdom. However, I have learned that when your child reaches the teenage years they are less tolerant of your anecdotes and helpful tips. We cannot save them from every mistake. We must wait for them to come to us. They are people in their own right after all, often with very different perspectives and as I am frequently told life is different for them, as they are not growing up in the dark ages as I was!

2. Engaging with their friends for more than a minute and showing any interest in their social lives. This one always takes me by surprise. I feel if your children’s mates are in your house, it is nice to make them feel welcome – NO. It is nice to ask them how they are? NO. It is nice to offer to make them lunch or dinner – NO. It is nice to find out what they have been up to? NO, NO, NO. They are your children’s friends, not yours. If by some stroke of luck I am allowed to chat, I’m on the clock; it is very clear when I have outstayed my welcome…in my kitchen.

3. Invading their privacy. This refers to anything that they view as solely theirs - their rooms (in my house!), any of their stuff – I am not allowed to borrow anything and the real red rag to a bull - their phones. If I touch their phones to move them this is a pretty bad sin. But if I happen to read the odd message over their shoulders then all hell breaks loose. But of course, privacy is a one-way street, theirs should be impenetrable, I have none.

4. Asking them what their plans are and keeping you informed. I have thought a lot about this one. Basically I feel they see this as too controlling and I see this as just knowing what’s going on, so if plans need to be made, suppers cooked, lifts organized or taxis booked I can sort it. I have discovered that teenage lives, social or otherwise work on a very “need to know” basis.

5. Using their vernacular. I didn’t get this memo, but apparently there is one somewhere that says this is strictly forbidden. You cannot use any word or phrase that they use. So I’m not to say “sik one”, “safe” or “wag wan” or anything else they currently say. If I do there will be a lot of eye rolling. Oh, and never refer to yourselves as the “rents”…

I have come to realize that teenager’s likes and dislikes change dramatically from day to day and may have nothing to do with us parents. We might engage with them in a certain way that is completely acceptable, but in less than 24 hours, the same thing could be the worst thing in the world.I write this slightly tongue in cheek; day on day they become increasingly opinionated and judgmental, which of course is normal. However, if I offer an opinion or judge something or someone, make no mistake, I will be vilified for it. So I wonder what they will have to say about this…your thoughts?   

Is it ever ok to lie? What do you tell your children?

No, sometimes, depends, yes...When my children were very young, many things were black and white. One of my “jobs” as a parent was to teach them right from wrong and set their moral compass. And I feel for the most part this happens very early on. Even if we are not told verbally, we soak up so many unwritten dos and don’ts and not lying is definitely one of them.

I remember one incident when my kids were two and three; in the days when they used to bath together there was a big splashing incident. It was the end of a long day so I was tired, they were having fun, which meant half the bath water was on the bathroom floor. I warned them several times and then I roared, “Who did this? If you don’t tell me, there will be no story tonight.” My punishments were hardcore in those days!

My kids were silent and after a few seconds my son (two at the time) stood up and confessed. He then went onto say that he didn’t deserve a story but his older sister did. I was surprised. I had actually suspected my daughter or thought they were in cahoots.

Anyway, I told him off, put him to bed without a story. I later asked his sister if it had been her brother. She said yes, without hesitation. But it wasn’t. It took her two days to fess up. This was an inconsequential event but my instincts were right, she had lied and he had taken the rap for her.

I do think as people we have a predisposition to try to get ourselves out of things – keep quiet, make excuses, fabricate stories and omit important bits of information. Is this different or just an extension of lying?

As children get older, the black and whites blend to different shades of grey. It is no long valid, in my opinion to say, “don’t ever lie”. They have to learn to use their judgment. My hope is they are discerning, and whilst they may lie to extricate themselves from certain tricky situations, I hope they wouldn’t lie to me. But I am not that naive. Luckily for me, they have a “tell” and when I ask a question in a certain way, I know if they are telling the truth or not…most of the time.

I am a great believer in lying being a useful tool in selective situations and in lying for the greater good. Number one on my list is sparing worry. I am thinking particularly of my mother here. Since my father passed away my mother’s worry has increased exponentially, so sometimes it is just easier to lie.

For instance, last year I had an operation so I told her I was going out for the day, which technically isn’t a lie, but you see what I’m getting at.

My real bugbear? Getting caught. As I am always saying to my children, if you are going to lie, lie effectively. Live the lie...One thing I haven’t laid out but I hope is implicit is I do not condone lying about really important things. Legal or criminal issues or instances when you could cause people real harm.

So what do you think? I think everyone lies…and if you say you don’t, you’re lying ;-)

Do you have a “magic number” for your size and weight, and what do you do to get there?

Mine is 54kg. I have been 49kg; which didn’t suit me, mentally or physically and I have been close to 60kg. People didn’t really notice, but some of my clothes felt a little snug and I had to do this crazy wriggling dance to get into my jeans.

Now the sky is blue and the sun feels warm I tend to jump on the scales. I have weaned myself off this habit over the years, as it can be counterproductive. I know it is just a number and in isolation it doesn’t mean a great deal. But that number can hold a lot of momentary power – when it goes down I’m delighted, when it goes up I am temporarily dejected.

It seems most of my mates (women) are similar. When we turn our attention to health and vanity goals, most of us have our own “magic number”. A number plucked from youth, or the slimmest time of your life or because you think you “should” be a particular weight.

We all know that there are many factors affecting “weight” including sleep, stress, illness and hormones but still we obsess about the “magic number”.

We know that eating healthily is the way to go so for the most part I do, but anyone who knows me knows my love for cake and pudding - I just don’t want to look like a pudding! So I exercise five times a week.

I can get to and maintain 52kg, but it takes a LOT of discipline. And I’m not sure that level of self-restraint is very fun, for me, or the people around me.

What I have learned over the years is that bodies change and I am learning to accept this, for the most part. I was bigger at university, but after each child, I went down a dress size. Right now I am about 1.5kgs off my “magic number”. Yep, it’s still in my head…I read an article years ago about the gorgeous model Iman Abdulmajid who said as a woman hits her thirties she should add 5lbs to the weight she thinks she would like to be, to guard against looking older than her years. Whilst the lovely Iman can probably afford a few pounds here and there, I think she has a point. We all want to look good and be healthy, but not at the cost of looking gaunt or aged.

The reality is that this “issue” is a subjective one. When we look at ourselves we focus on our flaws and imperfections. We compare ourselves to friends with completely different body shapes. We long to regain how we were at our youth or perceived best and fixate on what has changed “negatively”. For me, all I ever see is my stomach - which after two children is the polar opposite of washboard! But maybe others just see the whole picture. I know do when I look my friends or people walking down the street.

So I guess moderation is the key, and being kind to yourself. With the media flooded with super foods, nutritional advice and new ways of training they are many ways to attain whatever goals you have or reaching your “magic number”.

I try to be balanced, but that “magic number” can be an elusive wotsit, so I’m off for a run…what do you do to get to your “magic number”? Do you have one, or are you happy as you are?

When a quick fix doesn’t cut it: or how an illness led me to Michelle Roques O’Neil

(Michelle Roques O'Neil)

A few years ago, I got virus that resulted in me being bed ridden for about 2 weeks, it then took another 6 weeks to regain any kind of normality, I had been zapped of my life force, or so it felt. I saw several doctors, popped every pill prescribed and had every test under the sun. I need to be fixed, and quickly.

The good news is all the tests were normal, there was nothing wrong with me; the bad news was no one could tell me what had happened. As I improved, one of the doctors suggested it could have been stress induced. But being in so much pain that I was confined to my bed, because of stress seemed ridiculous.

I have always believed in the mind, body and soul connection. There has been much scientific evidence that emotional experiences have a real effect on our physiology. And traditional Chinese medicine says that different organs represent different emotions.

Anyway, the point is I had experienced something which conventional medicine couldn’t answer. My body shut down and took its’ own sweet time to reboot. I wanted a way forward to guard against a similar episode; I felt I needed a longer lasting solution.

I am a great believer that life gives you what you need. About two years before my crazy virus I had read about a lady called Michelle Roques O’Neil. I read the article and unusually, after a few weeks, I didn’t put the magazine into the recycling, I kept coming back to it.

Eventually I picked up the phone and spoke to Michelle. A lot of what she said resonated with me, so I booked an appointment.

To say, Michelle is an aromatherapist and massage therapist who has counseling qualifications is accurate. She combines oils, acupressure and reiki to tune into the physical and emotional states of her clients. But in truth this doesn’t really scratch the surface.

She is warm and easy to trust. She is a healer, a very proactive one. She compassionately finds the possible roots to dissatisfaction, sadness, resentment, anger, hurt and stress that you may have buried so deep that you were not aware of them and gives you tools to improve yourself from the inside out.

She helps you strip away negative emotions, superficialities and insecurities to be a more authentic you. Even if like me you thought you were fine and nothing was really wrong. Michelle helps in subtle yet profound ways. And yes, she is an awesome massage therapist and facialist.

It is true that someone else being a sounding board often highlights issues in your life that you could not see before. Objectivity is hard when you are being subjective. Michelle has taught me balance and putting myself first, which I have never been very good at. I leave an appointment feeling rejuvenated and energized with a clearer vision – emotionally and mentally.

In this world of quick fixes, many of us are increasingly looking for answers and ways of living that are more meaningful, long lasting and nourishing. People I wouldn’t have thought of as spiritually aware are turning to meditation, journals and yoga.

I personally recognise the joy of a quick fix to make myself feel good or less stressed – a manicure, a new pair of shoes or a glass of prosecco or two, and Michelle would encourage these little joys. But we could also recognize them as temporary and balance them with something more nurturing and long term to keep us well and happy.

I am sure I will write about my friend and mentor Michelle Roques O’Neil again. But in the meantime, if you want to check her out please take a look at her website where you can discover her world http://www.roquesoneil.com/ 

The helpless parent - or What do you do when your help is no longer welcome?

I like to swoop in and help. I think I have always been like this even before becoming a mother. I like to give, fix and solve.When my children were little, it was simple, they needed me do everything for them. There were flickers of my help becoming redundant quite early on, as is normal. She learned to button her coat, he learned to tie his shoe laces, they learned to feed themselves, get dressed, take the bus to school... independence gets picked up slowly along the way.

I suppose, for me, helping my children is partly wrapped up in the perceived control I have as a parent, which I know is minimal. As my children have grown up (I actually have one adult now) my sense of purpose as a parent feels diminished in some ways.

Of course, they still want me to help, but there is no carte blanche. It is very much on their terms. They only want me when it suits them - selective help. And, of course, they have no interest in listening to my point of view.

So what do you when your help is unwelcome and you can see events unfold, not always for the best, before your eyes? Anyone that knows me may fall off their chair at this point, but I have been learning to use silence and distance. I’m not very good at this, but I have been honing these skills for the past seven years or so. I bite my lip and walk away, because when they need you for advice or something that goes wrong, they will come to you, and then you do get to swoop in and be the superhero.

Please note: I don’t actually want anything to go wrong for my kids, or anyone else’s, but shit happens sometimes and we all need someone to turn to. In these moments Mother Nature is extremely clever. You don’t say ‘Ha Ha!!! I told you to do it my way”, "You should have asked me at the beginning” or "I knew this would happen” …you just smile, handle it and naturally enjoy the nanosecond of gratitude.

I was wondering how to exemplify this and, as if my magic, my 16 and a half-year-old son came into my study this morning. Since his last birthday he has wanted to change his cash point card into a debit card. I have said I would go to the bank with him and sort it out, but no, he wanted to do it.

His birthday was September, it is now April and there is still no debit card. Anyway last week, he has said he would call the bank to make an appointment. He finally called today, got an automated message and hung up. “Mummy” he said in a really fluffy tone that I haven’t heard since the last time he wanted something ”I can’t get through on the phone to make an appointment.”

“Have you followed the instructions?”

“Yes”, he replied, there was a pause and then: “Will you do it for me?"

I smiled inside and pick up the phone, resisting the temptation to say I could have done this six months ago.

To be clear, my son is super smart. He could have picked up the phone again and done it. But he wanted my help, and I wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to give it. I navigated my way through the automated call and made him an appointment for this afternoon. Job done. “Thanks Mummy!” and off he goes, flashing me a gorgeous smile. That’ll do.

I know it is normal for the apron strings to loosen over the years and eventually be cut. And I certainly want my children to be equipped to deal with whatever comes their way – inconsequential or significant. But it is hard when, for a good decade or so, you have been the “go to” person for everything. I suppose children need to earn self-sufficiency, and I suppose I need to learn to wait until I’m asked for help.

I'm still a work in progress, how about you?

Alexander McQueen – Savage Beauty at the V&A

(Photo taken from a postcard bought at V&A, Look 91, Alexander McQueen - Bugle beads and net)

It was mesmerising and captivating. The music and lighting beautifully balanced to create a slightly hypnotic effect, showcasing the dramatic spectacle that encapsulated the vision of Alexander McQueen.

I don’t how the organisers at the Victoria and Albert museum did it, but somehow they had managed to distil McQueen’s essence into the atmosphere. Or at least that’s how it felt for me.

Sometimes in life when your expectations are high, they are rarely met, or maybe this is the cynic in me. This was not the case yesterday. I was instantly drawn in, marvelling at the collections displayed at the Alexander McQueen - Savage Beauty exhibition.

The exhibition is first and largest retrospective of the late designer’s work to be presented in Europe. It showcases McQueen’s designs from his 1992 MA graduate collection to his unfinished A/W 2010 collection.

One of my favourite collections was VOSS, Spring/Summer 2001, also known as the ‘Asylum’ show. I understand that on the catwalk, it was staged inside a vast two-way mirrored box, which the models couldn’t see out of to start with. Of the show, McQueen said, ‘It was about trying to trap something that wasn’t conventionally beautiful to show that beauty comes from within.’

(photo taken from Alexander McQueen book, bought at V&A - Look from the VOSS collection)

So, the exhibition satisfied my appetite for fashion, but as I lingered at each mannequin and video screen, I flipped between wonder and sadness. Wonder because, to me his blend of drama, theatrics, emotion and couture were perfectly balanced in each piece. Each design showcases his attention to detail, and the mastery with which he created such beauty from the dark, mysterious, unexpected and sometimes the ugly and grotesque. But sadness because a talent like his, is no longer with us.

And whilst the brand, Alexander McQueen is still such a successful powerhouse reaching the masses, I can’t help feeling that the magic has been diluted with his passing, something intangible and really rather special has been lost. What a true artist Alexander McQueen was and his artistry continues to be inspirational.PS: this has been one of the hardest posts to write, to date, I really felt that “wow” and “OMG” weren’t going to cut it. I have been thinking about what to write since yesterday and have been completely waylaid this afternoon by the beautiful Alexander McQueen book I bought in the shop, edited by Claire Wilcox. I’m not sure if I have done the exhibition justice, but I hope so, and if you want to go, let me know, I’m pretty sure I can free up my diary…

(Photo taken from a postcard bought at V&A, Look 45, Alexander McQueen - Silk faille and tuille with boning, with fresh and silk flowers)