Choosing detoxing over dieting

(Nosh Breakfast Fruit smoothie)

My worst vice is sugar – chocolate, cake, pudding and alcohol. Sugar and I have a long, complex relationship, one I totally enable.

Occasional “treats” very quickly become habits and then before I know where I am dependent on my next sugar fix and carrying 2-3 extra pounds, which I find hugely irritating.

I don’t like to diet as that feels like denial to me. The minute I tell myself I can’t have something – that’s all I want.

Detoxing, on the other hand, feels more productive and beneficial – like a reset. So about ten days ago I did a 3-day detox. The primary goal was to break my sugar habit and to hopefully shift my extraneous weight (!)Over the years, I have done 48 hours cleanse type things where all you drink is a balanced potion diluted in water, I’ve done longer 10 day detoxes where you eliminate a lot of food groups and then reintroduce them gradually over a week and a half, and I have done juice cleanses.

But I didn’t have the time to devote to a longer detox and I like food, so I thought I’d look for something that had a food element but was short.

After a little research I settled on the 3-day "Body Smooth & Tone Fast Weight Loss" (BST) programme from Nosh Detox.

Now I know these programmes aren’t cheap but having done some investigation, Nosh seemed reasonable and as I was busy I liked the idea of everything turning up for each day freshly prepared and all I had to do was eat it!

So here’s a sample menu:

This is what I can tell you. Everything I ate and drank was delicious. The breakfast smoothie was a great way to start the day and more filling than I had anticipated, lunch was enormous (see below) and I was very grateful to have a something served hot in the evenings. My only criticism is that I would have liked to have known all the ingredients in the juices and smoothies - but I was forewarned by Nosh that the Chef's descriptions were very brief.

(Day One and Day Three lunches - I can assure you this is a LOT of salad)

There was definitely less food overall than I would ordinarily eat, but I am pretty sure there are days when I overeat, and searching for something “extra” or a treat to eat after my meal is a really bad habit of mine.

Day One was fine, though I was clock watching till my next allotted meal or snack.

Day Two felt easy and I thought I had adjusted to my new regime but funnily enough Day Three was the hardest day. For some reason my body was testing me and wanting more food than I was giving it, which was different to the first two days.

Having said that, I didn’t get any headaches or other untoward side effects. I slept well and woke up each day feeling energised.

So a week and bit on, I have stopped craving sugar and I seemed to have broken the conditioned reflex I had for looking for something sweet at certain times of the day, I have become much more aware of portion control …and I have lost two kilos and it’s still off.

I’m not saying I am off sugar - when I am out in the evenings – pudding and alcohol seem to feature quite heavily, but right now I feel in control to pick and choose, what I want and if I really want it – and that feels like a good place to be.

A quick word about Nosh – in my experience they were thorough (checking likes and dislikes, allergies etc.), efficient and helpful - and just to reiterate - the food was delicious.

I’m not sure I would manage a longer, 6-day programme but I would definitely do another detox from Nosh. 

Our children - they grow up so quickly...

Over the last week I have spoken to a number of mothers with younger children than my own and have chatted about the stages they are at, at the moment.

Whenever I chat to other mothers I really hope I am of some use; I certainly know that I often look to friends who have older children for advice and reassurance, because sometimes it is comforting to know even if you feel like you are in the middle of a parenting storm – it will pass.

One of the things, mothers of younger children say to me is “I just want to make the most of this phase, they grow up so quickly.”

This is of course true. All our lives, whether we are parents or not, seem to fly by at an alarming rate.

I remember when my children were babies, or toddlers how much I wanted to cherish every moment and make the most of that age. I also remember many women, my mother included, telling me I would miss those days.

Of course, there are days and stages I miss, but talking to mothers with younger children this week made me realise that though precious moments pass you don’t actually lose anything – you always have the memories and you just gain a new phase and it is as great as the one before.

I would still standby the statement I have made many a time - that the teenage years are by far the most challenging I have had to date. And I will hold my hands up and say I know I have had many a whinge on my blog about my teenage kids.

We don’t snuggle up and read stories together anymore, my children don’t run to the door when I get home and I certainly don't get notes like the one above – but we still watch TV together, we chat about each other’s days, we even go to the pub together, which is a new but wonderful development, in my opinion.

Even last Sunday, which was Mother’s Day in the UK, was notably different to when my kids were little. My day was spent working as my kids had previous commitments and weren’t around for the day.

But on Monday my daughter went to the supermarket, did the food shop, bought me some flowers and made a delicious supper and my son took me out for breakfast this morning.

When my kids were younger they would be full of good intentions but often the reality wouldn’t materialise; my adult children seem very true to their word.

So, yes they do grow up far too quickly but that’s just the way it is – none of us can change that.

A phrase comes to mind that both my children used to say when they were little. They used to come back from nursery or school and say, “Look what I made…”Now when I look at them, that’s often what I am thinking with a huge smile on my face…   

A New Year’s resolutions update: Saying “YES” to more things…

A few days ago someone was asking me about one of my New Year’s resolutions – saying yes to more things. They were asking what the limits were, which I thought was an interesting question, as I don’t know.

To me, saying “yes” to more things definitely means stepping out of my comfort zone and trying different experiences but I’m not going to force myself to do anything I don’t want to. Saying yes to more things in my mind is going to be enriching, exhilarating and interesting, not remotely unpleasant.

Having said that, as I write this I am slightly apprehensive, as I have agreed to go to a gig tonight. A Slipknot gig.

In case you don’t know, Slipknot look like this:

My daughter looked incredulous when I told her what I was doing tonight…and I guess that’s fair enough as Slipknot and me are a pretty unlikely combination.

I don’t think I said yes on a whim…I am truly intrigued. I can say hands down I have never been to a gig like this before. I have been to plenty of rock gigs in my time, but not a heavy metal gig and nothing as heavy as I know this is going to be.

I know it’s going to be loud and aggressive and whilst I have had a listen to their most recent album, I’m going to be in that odd position of not knowing any of the tunes (!), so I won’t be singing along (!!).

I am trying not to have any expectations but if I had to pick one word that I feel will describe my experience tonight, it would be “scary”.

I have visions of being surrounded by an audience wearing Slipknot masks with a lot of studded leather, looking menacing – or maybe my brain is just wildly generalizing!

I have been quite vocal on my love of Corey Taylor’s songwriting and maybe I would feel less trepidation if he were performing with Stone Sour, but he’s not.

I’m hoping for a stripped down ballad or two – a nice acoustic interlude… I would love to hear them perform Snuff which I covered on my album “The Way I’m Wired” – although I don’t know how likely that is.

Me being me, my biggest dilemma is what to wear. I feel the need to toughen myself up a bit, so nothing pink or overly girly and comfort is pretty important as apparently I’m going to be standing for the evening – and I haven’t done that at gig for a long time!I am possibly over-thinking the whole thing. Maybe there will be lots of people just like me and I’ll just blend in? Hmmm....Anyway, whatever my experience, rest assured, I’ll let you know how I get on… 

What kind of mother are you: Tiger or Tigger?

A few days ago I had coffee with a lovely mate of mine. We were chatting about our kids and I was rambling as I do…and then she said, “Parry, you’re a Tigger mum.”

“Tigger mum?“ I asked. I was not familiar with the expression. “Yes,” she said “Tigger as opposed to Tiger.”

I’m not sure it is an actual recognized definition - but being likened to an orange, bouncy, over-exuberant fictitious animal felt like a compliment to me.

After a good catch up, I went home and shared my new label with my kids. I was met with a tirade of “Ha!” “No way” and “pfft!!” and plenty of eye rolling. I was told in no uncertain terms that - I was not a Tigger mum and in fact I was very “Tiger”.

Now I don’t know about you – but I don’t view being called a Tiger mum as a compliment at all - and knowing my kids that might be why they said it.

In case it has escaped you, a Tiger mum is defined as an extremely strict or demanding mother who pushes her children to high levels of achievement.

The term was coined by Yale law professor Amy Chua in her memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Over the years, I have met a few “Tiger mums” and whilst I tend not to get on with them so well and can be quite disparaging about some of the things they say and the way they parent; I am quite impressed by their conviction and how resolute they are about their goals for their children and how they execute them.

It turns out there are a quite a few definitions for mothers (!) but the opposite of Tiger mum is actually an Elephant mum. An Elephant mum is a mother who believes that she needs to nurture, protect and encourage her children above all else.

As mothers, I feel we have a little bit of Tiger and Elephant in us, and in my case, a bit of Tigger too!I unashamedly want my kids to achieve their potential and not waste whatever talent they have – provided that’s what they want. But, in nearly two decades I have not been able to master the art of getting my kids to apply their efforts to things I want them to do, because I think it would be beneficial - so maybe I’m not as Tiger as they think I am... or I am a really substandard Tiger mum!

As for the ‘Elephant mum’ element – I feel most mothers - certainly the ones I know - want to nurture and protect their children – our mechanisms may be slightly different but I feel this is a basic, primal feeling that takes over the minute we give birth.

As for being told I was a "Tigger" mum, even though my kids don’t agree - it did really please me.

Although, I looked up Tigger’s personality traits and found this: “Tigger is always filled with great energy and optimism, and though always well-meaning, he can also be mischievous, and his actions have sometimes led to chaos and trouble for himself and his friends. Also, he often undertakes tasks with gusto, only to later realize they were not as easy as he had originally imagined.

”So maybe being a "Tigger" mum is not ideal either…but cherry picking the best qualities of all three – now that’s a well rounded mother… 

Mothers and daughters: is this possibly one of the most difficult relationships ever?

Whether you are a mother, daughter or an innocent bystander  - when sparks fly between a mother and a daughter - you better watch out.

Mothers and daughters know each other's weakest spots; exactly which buttons to press and which comments will cut to the bone.

We also know how to make things right for each other, how to comfort each other and what to say and when not to say it.

But why is this relationship such a potential minefield?

I feel it’s because a mother often sees her daughter as an extension of herself. Maybe even her second chance do things again, better, with experience and hindsight.

A mother wants to protect her daughter from making the same mistakes she’s made. She wants to give her daughter opportunities she never had.

I certainly know from my upbringing – my mother would often say she wanted me to have what she didn’t have growing up.

I feel, a mother wants her daughter to like her and maybe be a little like her too, even though we don’t always admit to this.

The trouble with all that of course is daughters are not an extension of their mothers – they are their own person, with a unique mind-set and journey...I was historically quite smug about my relationship with my daughter. Up to her 16th birthday, she was completely straightforward – no terrible twos, threes or twelves. We were close – ski weekends and trips to Rome – just the two of us.

But at 16, things changed dramatically. We disagreed A LOT. She seemed to actively push against things I would do or say. I knew she was becoming independent and carving out her own way of living, but I wondered why our charmed relationship had to change?

The last few years have been challenging at times. But now my daughter is 18 I could not be more proud. She is absolutely her own person. She is independent, opinionated, determined, committed, intelligent and vibrant.

Her life and outlook are in many ways completely different to mine - but quite right too.

I am sure we have more challenges coming our way. As a mother, well, actually as me, I find it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut sometimes. But after an unpredictable few years, our relationship is pretty great.

We are not in each others' pockets as much as I would like (!) but we still understand each other in a way that is particular to us.

I feel mothers, sometimes subconsciously and unfairly expect too much from their girls - even though we say we don’t - maybe it is hardwired somewhere and won’t really change.

But - as mothers, we could be more mindful of this and as daughters we could cut our mothers a little slack.

For me as daughter, I still find it hard to go against something my mother has said even if I don't agree with it and sometimes I end up resenting the situation.

My daughter, however, armed with her modern day voice and an arsenal of choices does not hesitate to shoot me down if need be.

I guess the last few years have been really eye opening with respect to my relationship with my daughter and how we move forwards. I have learnt that I can’t “make” her do or be anything she doesn’t want to be. And to be honest, I wouldn’t really want her to…. so I can’t really complain, can I?  

How would you react to your child’s first serious girlfriend/boyfriend?

Would you throw your toys out of the pram? Would you be cool? Would you forbid it?

This is one of things I’ve been dreading as my son got older - the inevitable arrival of a girlfriend. Many of my friends have joked that I would not be cool… and I knew they were right.

Interestingly I was not remotely stressed about my daughter having her first serious boyfriend. It just felt like the natural order of things. But my son…well we all know the old clichés about mothers and sons!

For years I have had an extremely close relationship with my son. But things definitely shifted after he turned 16 as I discussed in a post last year, “The Anti Oedipus complex”.

As a mother, I suppose my main worry when it comes to girlfriends and boyfriends is that my children pick someone who isn’t ultimately good for them.

Relationships may come with an element of drama – especially teenage ones – but I believe any relationship, especially a romantic one, should be positive and the happy times outweigh the bad or sad.

There’s no need to change yourself to please someone else and above all you should both have each other’s back.

I knew I would have to deal with reality of a girlfriend sooner or later - and as with so many things in the lives of our teenagers there would be very little I could do about it.

So…. she arrived in the autumn. The exact timing is vague, as any parent with teenagers knows - details of any sort are kept secret and rarely shared with parents.

In addition to the vagueness, I have noticed teenagers these days aren’t overly keen on labels – but given the frequency with which they see each other - they are definitely going out.

What has been quite surprising to me, and those around me, is I have been calm and cool – supportive even.

Theoretically I have played many scenarios and reactions out in my head but ultimately my kids being happy overrides everything for me. And as is true in so many areas of life, especially parenting – there is a big difference between the  hypothetical and the reality.

I have to trust that the way I have brought them up, loved them and nurtured my kids is enough - so they make the right decisions for them.

Caring for someone, maybe falling in love is one of the best feelings I know. So I have to trust. After all, life is precious and worth living to the full and one thing that I have learned as a parent is it is their life not mine.

Luckily – so far – my kids have chosen nice boyfriends/girlfriends. And I am privately very proud of myself that I haven’t turned into a crazy banshee.

The girlfriend is lovely and my son seems happy. And like every mother I know if my kids are happy, I’m happy.   

When being kind – don’t forget about yourself

 I have had a revelation this December. If you have been following my social networking you will know I have been socialising a little more than I normally do.

It turns out that burning many candles at both ends is actually exceptional fun and I love it and I have experienced an interesting by-product.

To survive this party season I have had to be kinder to myself - something I am not terribly good at.

Like many people I know, I feel I am pretty good at being kind to others – complimenting them, raising them up, assessing their needs, and telling them what to do for the best in a certain situation.

If someone I care about has had a bad day or is feeling upset I have no problem dropping everything to help them, listen or empathise. I feel compelled to find a way to make them feel better.

But it wouldn’t cross my mind to do this for myself. Why is it so much harder to be kind to ourselves?

So funnily enough - partying, working and doing the normal household stuff has forced me to cut myself a little slack.

Here are some of the ways I am being kind to me.

Physical kindness:

To me, this is covering the basics – looking after yourself physically. After all, we only have one body – so it makes sense to take good care of it.

To some extent, I am quite good at this. Even if I have been out eating and drinking late, I tend to redress the balance the next day by eating lots of healthy food and drinking masses of water – dehydration is a killer – especially after a lot of alcohol!

I also make myself exercise – I cannot emphasis the benefits of this – even if only for 15 minutes - getting hot and sweaty coupled with the endorphins rush works wonders!

However…the bits I am not so good at are - resting, sleeping in, and taking breaks to release the stresses of the day – I am a self-confessed “Queen of powering through”. And I often have to remind myself of the benefits of relaxing and slowing down.

I would like to point out however, resting and doing less in a day is not me giving myself permission to be a complete slacker - but sometimes cutting myself a bit of slack.

Mental kindness:

The most important way of being kind to yourself mentally, I have discovered is silencing your inner voice. I have an inner voice that can be quite lovely. But that’s not the one I’m talking about.

You know the one, we all have our version – the inner voice that berates and highlights all the ways we have fallen short.

The voice in my head focuses on the “I should haves’ and judgement reigns supreme.

Now I am not saying that going out for a few weeks has silenced my (at times detrimental) inner voice but I have chosen not to listen to it or give it as much power. For me, this is a big mental victory.

So being kind to myself has many more merits than I realised and I have decided for the New Year that it is something that I’m going to nurture…I suppose like so many things, it is a question of balance…How about you? How good are you at being kind to yourself?  

Why does discontent fuel inspiration?

Since the weekend, I have been intending to share a motherhood type post.

My daughter got tonsillitis unexpectedly with a raging 40-degree temperature and my son got concussed in the last play of a rugby match.

These two things completely out of the blue have sent me into a mini spiral of worry and stress.

So I started writing something along the lines of how worrying doesn’t stop as your children get older and how the control you had when they were younger has been replaced by your child’s autonomy and is a double-edged sword.

But the worry, frustration, discontent and upset took my brain somewhere completely different.

The parental side of me has been to doing all the things you’d expect – taking practical steps to look after my kids, even though at 17 and 18 they often see it as “harassing” and smothering.

But the emotions have continued to bubble away furiously. The only relief from and dissipation of these visceral emotions has come from writing songs and listening music.

My usual ‘go-tos” of meditation and exercise have left me pacing, without the relief I was hoping for.

As I have tried to calm my brain, lyrics have come so fast I struggle to write them all down. It’s the only release, for me, that is truly cathartic.

I sing new melodies without even thinking about them. They seem effortless and cohesive, which is odd as sometimes I find this troublesome…It has been one of those weekends when I am reminded that the artist and mother in me are so intertwined. I have been a mother for nearly 20 years. But I have singing, performing and writing poetry since I was 7, so I suppose separating out these two fundamental parts of me is not always possible.

The mother in me cannot bear the worry or upset and I try to rid myself of it swiftly.

But the artist me almost enjoys picking it apart, putting under a microscope and magnifying the most sensitive and painful points.

I have realized I do this a lot. It is one of the most effective ways of draining negative emotion and discontent from me. It is almost like an addiction and the most effective medication at the same time.

To be clear I am a happy person, fundamentally. But shit happens sometimes, in all manner of guises, and it seems to fuel inspiration for me in a way that happiness just doesn’t.

And I know I am not alone in this.

In October, Florence Welsh was quoted by saying “her career was basically over as she has nothing to write about at the moment because she was so content”. She joked she needed someone to break her heart again to give her inspiration.

Some years ago I remember reading an article in which Lily Allen said, something along the lines of - when she needed inspiration she would start an argument with a boyfriend to fuel her creativity.

Why do discontent, sadness, anger, drama, trouble and heartache make the fires of creativity burn so brightly? Especially when we are all often saying we are pursuing happiness and peace of mind…I don't know the answer, but I'd like to...What do you think? 

How we choose to present ourselves

I found this Marilyn Monroe quote and I had to share.

I have spent the last couple of months looking at visuals of myself and picking myself apart. My team and I have focussed on the reality of who I am as an artist and tried to bring out the different facets of my personality in the most natural way possible.

Sometimes, however, I cringe at what I see. We are all without doubt our own worst critics, are we not?

We all have a lot of choice these days, and I wholeheartedly agree with freedom of choice - but having experienced the hospitalisation of my father as a result of a necessary operation that did not go according to plan, I will never have non life saving surgery. Could I do with a tummy tuck? Oh yes…does my face need tweaking? Probably… but...I suppose what I am saying is I have reached a new level of acceptance of how I look and am becoming increasingly comfortable in the skin I’m in - even though it is less than toned in places and the wrinkles are starting to pick up momentum. However I can't pretend I'm not fortunate - I'm very lucky with my hair for instance, and you lovely people have been extremely flattering about my new video (in which I'm not wearing a whole lot!).

A few people have commented on the fact that you can see my stomach in certain shots in the video and how that is quite brave as it is my least favourite bit of me.

But whilst it was uncomfortable when I first saw it - it is part of me. The reality is I put on a lot of weight when I was pregnant with my kids and lost it quite quickly, this coupled with a massive muscle separation in my stomach left me with a lot of work to do!

And whilst a toned flat stomach would be incredible, I have two beautiful children - so I feel lucky. If that was the trade off  - I came out on top.

I suppose it is human nature to point out our flaws and it is easy. It also seems increasingly easy to "fix" our physical flaws and create a contrived reality...and I suppose that is where choice comes into play.

I will be writing some posts about how we try to create perfection in some way or another in our lives - whether it’s body image, lifestyle or autotuning vocals on an album. And as I gather research, I would love to know what you think.

Through creating content for my new album - the amazing team with whom I work have urged me to embrace how I look and the faces I pull when I sing and have reminded me that the imperfections of reality have merits. In fact, I am grateful for this reminder as I truly believe it is our flaws that make us interesting and beautiful. Your thoughts?

What values do I want my kids to have?

Last week we had one of those rare family gatherings - my mum came over and we all sat around the kitchen table chatting for the afternoon. These kinds of moments are harder and harder to find, as my kids get older and more independent.

My mum, who is a retired teacher, never passes up the opportunity to impart her pearls of wisdom. These “chats” mainly centre around academic and professional decisions my children may make but can venture into contentious subjects like religion and even romantic choices!

As my mum held court, it was a bit of a flashback to my own teenage years and highlighted to me that so much of our own upbringing shapes how we parent our own children. There are beliefs and values that we staunchly stand by and some that we turn our backs on as we get older, as they no longer serve us.

As my children step into adulthood, I, of course, have hopes and aspirations for them, I want them to make the most of any opportunity that comes their way and rise to the challenges they may face. I want them live life as vibrantly as possible. But, I feel their values, principles and the way in which they live their lives are more important than what they achieve.

I have thought long and hard about this, and have tried to whittle down a huge list of values to just five.

Here are the key values I feel my daughter and son have, and hope they always will:

1. Kindness. To me, this is possibly the one of the most important things in life. Being generous, friendly and warm-hearted. Treating people with respect and focussing on doing good rather than harm.

2. Compassion. An emotional response of sympathy and having a desire to help someone who is suffering – my kids are particularly good at being compassionate.

3. Forgiveness. I toyed with loyalty here. But I feel loyalty is a quality that is more freely acquired and forgiveness is much harder to nurture. I know I still struggle with forgiveness sometimes.

4. Integrity. Being honest and having strong moral principles – none of us are squeaky clean, but striving to have integrity and being true to your principles is a great way to live your life, in my opinion.

5. Courage. I thought about bravery for the last key value but bravery is more about the ability to confront pain or danger without any feeling of fear. But there are times when we are all scared. I want my children to have courage - to be able to undertake difficulty or pain despite the sometimes, unavoidable presence of fear.

So what are your thoughts? Have I missed an important value in your opinion? If you are a parent, what values do you hope to instill in your children? And if you’re not a parent – what are your core values and what values do you appreciate most in a friend or loved one?  

Defining your goals - the secret ingredient to achieving (and losing weight!)

On Monday I stepped onto the bathroom scales (as I do every couple of weeks) and double took at the number staring back at me… don’t panic, it was favourable (and I’ll come back to that)!

You see on my summer holiday this year, I set myself a fitness goal. Over the last three years my weight has been creeping up. So much so that in the summer I was a stone heavier than where I was in the summer of 2012.I know three years is a long time so 4 pounds ish a year doesn’t sound like much but it was niggling me. I didn’t really know what the reason was for any sort of weight gain as I train quite hard and eat quite healthily 80% of the time. Nevertheless the scales were telling me very clearly that what I had been doing wasn’t as effective as it used to be. So I decided to readdress my goals.

Formal goal setting is a relatively new habit for me. We all have goals – I have had goals for years – but it has taken me a frighteningly long time to realise that having a concrete plan of action is vital to me actually achieving my goals in a meaningful way.

What was interesting about sitting down to redefine my fitness goals was I found myself re-planning and refining my goals in all areas of my life – professional and personal. The discipline and focus I started applying to my fitness regime began to permeate into every area of my life – it was a little like looking through a camera lens and refocusing the image so it was super sharp.

Yesterday the lovely Adam DT, with whom I work, told me about a quote attributed to the legendary Samurai Miyamoto Musashi.

Musashi said, "If you know the Way broadly, you will see it in all things." In other words, excellence achieved in anything increases your potential in all things. Not that I’m not saying that I’ve achieved excellence in anything yet, but with a focussed intent, persistence and purposeful practise, it’s a pretty great philosophy for life.

So back to my fitness goal and the Monday morning bathroom scales. Predominantly any exercise goal for me is health related. I wanted to kick start my metabolism to see if I could address my surreptitious weight gain, and improve my fitness levels, but I won’t lie – there is a vain element too.

So, what the scales told me on Monday is that I have lost 10lbs since August and am 0.7% off my leanest body fat percentage so… happy girl right here!

One thing I realise time and time again is that there is no end to learning if you are goal or desire driven. To get anywhere takes motivation, intention and hard work. But once you find the way that works for you – you do truly see it in all things. And I look forward to sharing my creative goals with you in the very near future…

Devoted follower of fashion or faithful to your own style?

Gorgeous look by Haider Ackermann...which I would love...

As I was getting ready this morning, it occurred to me that whilst I adore fashion, I have stayed quite true to certain foundations of my personal style over the years.

There are four things I haven’t deviated from since I was about 15. My style mantra can be encapsulated by these words - hemlines, heels, hair…and leather!

mcqueen

Heels

I have touched on my love for heels here before.

I rarely wear flats, unless they are trainers or flip-flops, and a 3 inch heel is sensible to me. But hands down, my ideal heel height is 4 or 4.5 inches. Posturally, I hold my body better and walk straighter.

I know heels are not for everyone and I am a great believer that if something isn’t comfortable you shouldn’t wear it…but I love them! These are my latest lust, by

Alexander McQueen

midi erdem

Hemlines

This season is awash with really full midi skirts, in quite weighty materials, which don’t work for me at all. I’m not sure if it is my height, or my shape or both (!) but I tend to be swamped when I try these on.

Here’s a lovely example by Erdem

, which I am sure will suit someone long, lean and athletic. Often, I am drawn to things that I know look better on someone taller or leaner, but it is nice to explore out of your fashion comfort zone sometimes. And if you don't try it, you'll never know...And whilst I love to wear floor length skirts, dresses and even the occasional sari, I favour mini skirts or shorts (as I am wearing today).

Obviously appropriateness and decency come into play. My shorts are never bottom skimming and the days of bare legs are saved for a hot summer’s day. But if I were to pick any sort of daily uniform it would probably consist of boots (high), tights (spotty) and shorts. 

Hair:

don’t worry I’m not going to post another picture of my hair here, as there are more than enough on my

Instagram

and

Facebook

!! But long hair is my thing.

My mum actually didn’t let me have long hair for ages, but as soon as I was allowed I have never looked back. Hair can be the ultimate style statement in my opinion and I am quite in awe of people with short sharp edgy haircuts.

Personally the thought of having half an inch cut of mine leads to palpations!

Leather

Shame, this doesn't start with an “h” as I love a bit of alliteration… but anyway… I have been a leather jacket girl for about 20 years. Here's one of my most coveted jackets by

Rick Owens

, it is the most gorgeous unusual green:

I love the elegance and warmth of being wrapped up in a proper coat…but when I am in a rush and undecided as to what to wear  I always grab my trusty leather jacket, or one of them, as maybe unpredictably I have a few!

So, having said all this, I do love to know what is going on in fashion – this season, the coming seasons – though I tend not to be ruled by it. 

 I feel as you get older you definitely have a better sense of your own style. I still like to experiment and try new things and sometimes something unexpected can become a firm favourite. There are other looks however, I have tried past and present which should be labelled, “What was I thinking?! For me this is anything too floaty or "boho" - just doesn't work on me.

So what about you? Where do you stand?

Are you fashion forward or do you prefer to stick to what you know?I would say I have my feet in the “stay true to your own style” camp, whilst keeping an eye on new and upcoming trends…. and with this in mind, I seem to have my eye on a cape this winter…thoughts?

This one by Alexander McQueen might be a little high fashion!!

cape2

How to parent when disappointment and heartache come calling

Things don’t always go our way and life isn’t fair - we all know this. Some of us learn this early and some of us can get quite far along in life before experiencing this.

Over recent weeks, both my kids have experienced things that haven’t gone their way - some relatively big, and some inconsequential – but as we all know sometimes it can be the smallest of disappointments that can hit us the hardest.

Emotional issues majoritively, I believe, have to be experienced because that’s how we learn. But for me they are amongst the most challenging situations to parent.

I guess we all remember how the teenage years are rife with heartache and disappointment. Sometimes I try to pre-empt certain situations with hypothetical conversations and “what ifs” but until they experience something first hand, teenagers for the most past are not interested – they breeze through life with an air of invincibility …ah how I miss those days…So as a parent can we safeguard against emotions like heartache or disappointment? Frustratingly I don’t think so. Even though the primal maternal genes in me really want to.

As a parent there is an innate mechanism that wants to make things all right for our kids – fix things. Is it control? Is it love? Is it our “job”? All of the above, I feel.

Of course, when my kids were little and suffered disappointment - cuddling and few well-chosen words would do the trick. But as they get older the stakes get higher and things just matter more.

The teenage years are hard to navigate; though I want to protect and console often my kids don’t want my help, they don’t want to be told that I can relate or know how they feel, or worse me tell them how they feel.

They want space and a lot of privacy. And, as for talking things through, well that’s what their friends are for, often not their parents.

So sadly, we can’t protect against heartache and disappointment. But I do believe you can nurture certain qualities and character traits: positivity, patience, strength, when to draw a line, becoming more resolute and determined even when it is absolutely the last thing you want to do.

As for what I can do when my help is not wanted …I go with lightening the mood and laughter…for me when my kids are sad making them smile is my number one goal.

Oh and food…I wonder if this is the Indian in me but with teenagers - in any situation – a well stocked fridge or larder goes a long way…And though there have been times when my kids have been sad, disappointed, heartbroken and down…. they always dust themselves off and get back up, even though sometimes it can take a while.

How much of this really has anything to do with my parenting skills? I don’t know. Maybe I have subliminally had a hand in a small way. I hope so.

But I do know their resilience makes me damn proud. And whilst it is incredibly hard for me - I am learning to wait in the wings in case I am needed, because sometimes as a parent that’s all we can do. 

I feel the need, the need to read...

So today I have writing about motherhood, but it has turned into a monster post about young adults and emotions - and instead of editing I have been adding to it over the last few hours. So it's not ready for your eyes yet...When my brain feels full like this, I have to step away and do something else. Music doesn't help because I start listening too intently and ideas start filtering through.

I have always found reading to be really pleasurable and soothing.

Anyway I keep a collection of stories by Oscar Wilde by my bed. I've been reading some of his short stories this afternoon, to take my head away from parenting!!So I thought, why not share a passage from one of my favourite Oscar Wilde short stories, "The Nightingale and the Rose"? If you haven't read it, please do, it won't take long, and I think it is gorgeous. Here's a passage to whet your appetite.. 'Why is he weeping?' asked a little Green Lizard, as he ran past him with his tail in the air.     'Why, indeed?' said a Butterfly, who was fluttering about after a sunbeam.     'Why, indeed?' whispered a Daisy to his neighbour, in a soft, low voice.     'He is weeping for a red rose,' said the Nightingale.     'For a red rose!' they cried; 'how very ridiculous!' and the little Lizard, who was something of a cynic, laughed outright.     But the Nightingale understood the secret of the Student's sorrow, and she sat silent in the oak-tree, and thought about the mystery of Love.     Suddenly she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She passed through the grove like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed across the garden.     In the centre of the grass-plot was standing a beautiful Rose-tree, and when she saw it, she flew over to it, and lit upon a spray.     'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'     But the Tree shook its head.     'My roses are white,' it answered, 'as white as the foam of the sea, and whiter than the snow upon the mountain. But go to my brother who grows round the old sun-dial, and perhaps he will give you what you want.'     So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing round the old sundial.     'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'     But the Tree shook its head.     'My roses are yellow,' it answered; 'as yellow as the hair of the mermaiden who sits upon an amber throne, and yellower than the daffodil that blooms in the meadow before the mower comes with his scythe. But go to my brother who grows beneath the Student's window, and perhaps he will give you what you want.'     So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing beneath the Student's window.     'Give me a red rose,' she cried, 'and I will sing you my sweetest song.'     But the Tree shook its head.     'My roses are red,' it answered, 'as red as the feet of the dove, and redder than the great fans of coral that wave and wave in the ocean-cavern. But the winter has chilled my veins, and the frost has nipped my buds, and the storm has broken my branches, and I shall have no roses at all this year.'     'One red rose is all I want,' cried the Nightingale, 'only one red rose! Is there no way by which I can get it?'     'There is a way,' answered the Tree; 'but it is so terrible that I dare not tell it to you.'     'Tell it to me,' said the Nightingale, 'I am not afraid.'....I am tempted to keep typing it out...but if you're a romantic like me, you'll dig the story out...Off to get ready for a night out now - the second this week - party Parry is back! And so you know, I'll be posting on motherhood type issues this weekend. Hope you're having a lovely day x

So what does success mean to you?

Does it equate to your dream job, the size of your bank balance, a perfect relationship, what schools and colleges your children go to, or being truly happy and having peace of mind?

For me, the meaning of success has changed dramatically over the years.

I was brought up in a very traditional Indian family and one of the stereotypes was that success was defined by academic achievement and status – where you went to school, what job you had, where you lived, even what car you drove.Although I knew from a very early age that I wanted to write, sing and perform, that desire was suppressed by my family’s wishes for me to pursue something that was perceived to have greater kudos than writing songs in my journal and performing in bands.

So, for a long while I followed the “expected” path – I worked to get into the best schools, got loads of qualifications, jobs in journalism and publishing - and whilst I definitely threw myself into everything I did – there was always a slight latent dissatisfaction.

Don’t get me wrong. I did enjoy what I was achieving and of course making good money gives us choices and lovely materialistic things.

Don’t worry; I am not going to regurgitate my whole life here. But over time I realised that whilst a lot of people like to tick off achievements, it didn’t really fuel my fire and in some ways felt hollow.

Of course, I set goals and want to do my best but there has to be an element of intangible fulfilment. Something, and this is not meant to sound pretentious, that makes my soul sing.

For many years, I felt unsuccessful professionally because I wasn’t climbing a career ladder and ticking boxes. But during that time, in my twenties, I gave birth twice and nurtured two gorgeous babies who have turned into two rather impressive young adults. I know many people do this, but for me, being a mother is a huge personal success, as I have never thought of myself as “mother material”.

My other success is – my music – I guess you knew that was coming. Lots of people thought I was idiotic to pick up my singing career when my children were babies. But I had no choice - it was a compulsion.

Even though it is still not the most straightforward of paths - the rewards of creating and performing music are limitless, to me.

So I guess if you asked what success means to me now, I would say, doing what I love, overcoming obstacles and living each moment to its fullest.

I also place very high regard on emotional success and by this I mean treating people well, with kindness and compassion. Loving the people I care about to the best of my ability. I don't always get it right and am a bitch sometimes, but that’s because I am human and flawed…I leave you with this Maya Angelou quote, which could have been the whole post really, but I feel you know by now how I love to ramble…“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and how you do it“.

Pretty succinct - so what does success mean to you?

Shoes: Pleasure and Pain at the V&A

I have made no secret of my love for shoes. In fact, I can be rather cagey about how many pairs I own, only because I have never dared count them all. I’m not challenging Imelda Marcos or anything, whom I learned yesterday had 1060 pairs of shoes - but I would say my collection for a lowly fashion devotee is pretty impressive.

Anyway, given my affinity for footwear it didn’t take much to convince me to visit the V&A’s exhibition – Shoes: “Pleasure and Pain” and catch up with a friend I met on a Shoe Design Course I did at the London College of Fashion a few years ago.

The exhibition looks at the extremes of footwear from around the world. About 200 pairs of shoes are displayed ranging from an ancient Egyptian sandal decorated in pure gold leaf to the most coveted modern day designs by Christian Louboutin, Sophie Webster and Jimmy Choo to name a few. The exhibition also covers the cultural significance of shoes and looks at the latest developments in footwear technology.

There is a section that looks at shoe production - from mass manufacture to bespoke - and also a 12 minute documentary featuring five designers including Christian Louboutin and Manolo Blahnik, who is hysterically funny when “poo-pooing” the use of computers and mood boards in the design process - well worth a watch – entertaining and illuminating.

In addition to displays on the different processes behind making shoes, there is an upstairs section dedicated to people who collect shoes. Three shoe collectors were invited to select ten pairs of shoes that they thought best illustrated their characters. I loved this section and found it fascinating as I really feel any style choice we make reflects our personalities or a facet of it at least.

I’m not quite sure which ten pairs of my shoe collection I would choose if asked…I am not known for sensible or practical footwear ever…in fact some of my friends think it’s odd that I don’t own a pair of wellingtons – but why would I?Anyway, if you have a free hour or so to peruse some beautiful and unusual things and get a little insight into the creation and manufacturing process of shoes, head off to the V&A. Quite frankly the V&A continues to be a lovely place to while away the hours – so much to see and soak up.

I leave with you a quote which you will see as you enter the exhibition - but if you don’t get there – here it is anyway – “To wear dreams on one's feet is to begin to give a reality to one's dreams.’ – Roger Vivier.

Is it wrong to look back for inspiration? And where do you find it?

On Sunday I wrote that sometimes looking back can be very beneficial. I know for me I have learnt my biggest lessons by looking back at past events and processing them. Not dwelling is the key, though this is easier said than done sometimes...I find the past often holds many keys for inspiration too. The same memory can evoke a multitude of creative seeds that turn into, well for me, lyrics. For instance, the lyrics I wrote just after my father passed away 11 years ago were really dark and tortured, my sorrow literally spilled out onto the page, and now I find it quite hard to read those words back.

As time moved forwards as it does relentlessly, my emotions weren’t so raw and my focus changed and recently I wrote some lyrics with my dad in mind that were positive and hopeful.Words have always had a hold on me – especially poetry and lyrics more so than prose. I have always liked the imagery that that poems and songs create in my head. Songs particularly made me feel things in an extremely visceral way.Poetry and lyrics have also enabled me to say things, express things that I don’t know I would have been able to otherwise.

I suppose that’s why I was keen to delve into my history and past musical loves for my most recent project. My covers album, which is in the final stages and I will be sharing with you shortly is a piece of my past and picking the songs was like rifling through an old treasure chest. The songs I have chosen are particularly evocative and have been waiting for a while in my head as a potent source of expression and inspiration.

Of course, the melodies and the lyrics are set in stone, a snapshot of time - 1978-1988. But I ‘m hoping that though the start of my inspiration was in past, it has been blended with new inspirations and creativity from me, my wonderful band and producers.

My goal is, we have created something that gives a respectful nod to the past mixed with a lot of contemporary and original references…so fingers crossed!

A quick word about inspiration in general…for me it’s everywhere. I am one of those annoying people - constantly writing stuff down – key words/phrases/singing melody lines into my phone. And maybe surprisingly as it is hard to get me to be quiet (!) silence triggers a lot of inspiration for me. Oh, and the shower. Once I got out of the shower five times to write different sections of a song.

Without doubt though, I find inspiration more easily when I’m not looking for it. When I have to write a song or some lyrics or a post and I’m under time pressure – my brain short circuits!

So, I would love to know where you find inspiration, do you step back in time or are you a leave the past in the past kind of person?

Sometimes it’s good to look back

Often we think it's negative or detrimental to look back. The past should stay in the past. I used to feel this quite strongly and then I found this quote and it really resonated with me:

The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come

I love the positive spin. It dawned on me that I don’t have to shut my past away under lock and key; I may not want to revisit particular instances, but there are merits to remembering the good and the bad.

There are certainly things I have done over the years I am not proud of - poor decision-making, lack of discernment and disregarding all consequences. But heaven knows I have learned from them, though sometimes it took a while to get there!There are also memories so euphoric and vivid that I can’t help but break into a huge smile; and for me when I feel joy, I feel invincible so it is good to bank those happy recollections.

But most importantly are the times when I need a reality check. The negative voice in my head is small, but it can roar and looking back to see where I was and where I am now is actually really uplifting.

I guess everything and everyone leading up to this point has shaped me in some way, therefore has value.

Choice and acceptance are the things I try to take away from my past and I suppose the areas of my life that are most affected are my kids and my music.

I know the mother thing is obvious. But I kinda fell into motherhood - an earth mother I am not. I won’t bore you with the last nearly twenty years, but suffice it to say it has been a helluva ride to date. And when I am feeling dragged down by the day to day minutiae, thousands of memories come flooding back and I remind myself that my children are 18 and nearly 17 and I have managed NOT to kill them yet. I don’t mean to be flippant but you get the sentiment….It is really good to look back on my musical career to date too. It has been so unconventional and haphazard but it's working and I'm having a ball. And every time I have had a flicker of doubt, an opportunity has presented itself and propelled me forwards  - and this makes me smile.

But my dark moments - the heartbreaks, betrayals and losses are the ones I like squaring up to the most - maybe this is the difficult artist in me but I do believe the darker side of life sharpens my focus and resolve to live my life as I choose to ... so long as I don’t wallow (!)I do know that the times I have felt most desperate and thought I couldn’t carry on, I have rolled my sleeves up and carried on and looking back I realise those were the times I have learned the most about myself.

I’m not entirely sure why this has all come out today – maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or reflective as I start rehearsing my new material this week based on past musical loves. Or maybe whilst I have both feet very firmly in the present, with half an eye on the future, I felt it was a good time to take stock.

Teenage travels - one mother's perspective

Something really weird has happened this weekend. I am really calm.

After dropping my daughter and her mate at the airport for three weeks of interrailing around Europe, I have been waiting for me to spiral into worries and “what ifs” and possible hyperventilation. Close friends and family have been expecting this too.

But I seem to be in an oasis of serenity, which I am enjoying but is really out of character and a little unnerving.

A year ago the thought of my daughter backpacking around Europe filled me with dread. It didn’t matter that “this is what everyone does when they finish school” as she told me. I never did…I was secretly wondering if I could curtail this expedition and I must admit when my daughter contracted Glandular Fever in May, I did fleetingly wonder if this was the “buy out” clause.

But the reality is that whilst she may not have had the wherewithal a year ago. This last year of school has prepared her for greater independence and thinking on her feet. I suppose a lot can happen in a child’s development in a year - and whilst the skills teenagers acquire are more subtle than the ones they learn in the toddler years, they are just as vital. And from what I have seen this past academic year, now I feel she can really look after herself.

Of course, I am not saying the irrational feelings have disappeared, and I can’t help but worry about safety, but I do believe if I allow myself to go down that road, I would never let my kids’ do anything and that would be a shame.

I think this is how I feel now. I want my kids to explore, experiment and grab life with both hands. And it is right and proper that I should not be there to second-guess and catch them if they fall - not now. But if they need me, I will kick into action, in a heartbeat.

I am, of course, missing my daughter like crazy - I won’t see her for three weeks and this is the longest we have been apart. I also know it is only day 3 so I have a way to go!

But I am getting a few texts. I trying not to bombard her with communication, but if she gets in touch I am quick to respond. And I know as the trip progresses that the texts will be less frequent – but this is my issue, not hers.

This is another rite of passage and something wonderful for her to experience. So, as I dropped the girls at the airport on Friday and I hugged them goodbye I said, “Have fun, be safe and try not to end up in hospital or jail.” Pretty sound advice from me, I feel...Maybe I have finally switched my hysteria for realism…and maybe I have finally grown up…she certainly has…  

Acupuncture with Sally Kean–Hammerson

For some time now I have wanted to write about my experiences with acupuncture and today is the day!Yesterday afternoon I had an incredible treatment with my acupuncturist Sally Kean–Hammerson (http://www.sallykean-hammerson.co.uk/) and I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I know I am on the “holisitic/spirititual” side of the spectrum and some people don’t adhere to alternative therapies; in fact that there are members of my family who will refer to anything alternative as “voodoo” (!!) But for me it works and I have seen results, so with that in mind I wanted to share.

I went to Sally because about 4 years ago I ended up being incredibly ill and bed ridden for about two weeks. I was admitted to hospital, had every test under the sun and saw a variety of consultants. The good news was that none of the tests showed anything untoward. The bad news was that I didn’t know what was wrong. I was weak, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t sleep due to incredible pain.

Whilst the cocktails of prescribed medication dulled the pain and in time I was back on my feet - it took about 6-8 weeks to regain full strength - I didn’t have a diagnosis. One by-product of being ill though was that my already sensitive stomach was even more so and I wanted to find a way to balance myself out.

As you can imagine there is a lot of information on Sally’s website and the internet but here’s an overview. Acupuncture is carried out by inserting fine needles into the skin at specific points in the body. These points are located along channels or meridians where our life energy, Qi, flows.

To be healthy our Qi must flow freely - if it becomes blocked, or deficient, we may start to feel unwell. Points are chosen for each individual person in order to maintain the smooth flow of Qi and the whole person is treated; body, mind and spirit, the main aim being to restore a person’s equilibrium.

Above all, when you first meet Sally you will see that she knows her stuff and is incredibly thorough. In addition to this she is thoughtful, caring and really wants to help.

I ramble, she listens, and then she inserts several needles everywhere - legs, arms, stomach, head and then I tune out for about 30/40 minutes. She doesn’t let me chat…which is incredibly hard for me. But yesterday I seemed to be able to meditate during the treatment, which was an added bonus.

Every time the treatment is over and I open my eyes, it is like someone has turned up the brightness in my head. Everything is sharper and more vivid. This is not my imagination – many people I know who have acupuncture say the same thing.

And the beauty of acupuncture for me is there is an instant effect married with a deeper, long lasting one.

I’m not saying go out and have acupuncture, you may not need it. But if like me you have minor health issues that need tweaking and balancing and you don’t want to pop pills or brush your ailments under the carpet in the hope they go away then acupuncture might be worth looking at.

Sally is the only acupuncturist I know and in my opinion she is excellent – so check her out.