Fashion, cocktails and canapés

The title of this post pretty much tells you that the event I went to last night was my kinda thing… I was at a Rachel Comey fashion evening hosted by Matchesfashion.com to preview the designer’s PreAW15 collection and Main AW15 collection.

I have been to a few fashion shows, but never something like this. Held at Matchesfashion.com’s Private Shopping and Events townhouse in Central London, the evening was relaxed and chilled with a friendly buzz in the air - the vibe I felt mirroring the designer’s ethos in many ways.

US designer, Rachel Comey attended the University of Vermont as an art major with a focus on sculpture. After college, Comey moved to New York; her first forays into fashion were as costume designer for bands in the growing downtown music scene.Inspired by this, Comey launched her first eponymous collection of menswear. Thanks to a great network and word of mouth, the collection proved a success, and she began to gain a loyal following. By 2004, Comey had introduced womenswear and footwear to her business.

Her collections are known for artful custom textiles and modern silhouettes. This was apparent in the pieces on show last night - tactile fabrics and lovely prints. The styles are unstated. Comey’s designs are contemporary and current - definitely pieces to wear now… All woven garments are made locally in midtown Manhattan while footwear and knitwear is made in Portugal, Spain, and Peru.

Something I loved when I was reading up on Rachel Comey, is that she is widely credited for being the first major American designer to break with longstanding tradition and present her collections in Brooklyn over an intimate dinner party.

The dinners provided an opportunity for Comey to show her collections in a more personal setting, and to create an atmosphere for conversation, unlike the typical runway shows...A quick word about Matchesfashion.com; having lived in southwest London for many years, The Wimbledon Matchesfashion.com store has been my local designer boutique for some time. What I love about the store is that they seem to have perfected a blend of local, warm and welcoming with luxurious high fashion.

This must largely be down to husband and wife owners Tom and Ruth Chapman. Ruth, whom I have met on a few occasions, including last night, is the sort of woman you can’t help but revere. Serene, warm, friendly and very approachable; her savvy and passion for her business are undeniable.

Last night was such fun and I have promised myself that when I get another fashion invitation, I am definitely going. And whilst on the face of it Rachel Comey’s pieces are not quite in keeping with my own personal style…there was a lovely yellow dress (see below!) that I may have to try on at some point….Rachel Comey’s collection can be found at www.matchesfashion.com

What makes your world go around?

 “Money makes the world go around”, sang Liza Minnelli famously in Cabaret…and The Beatles sang, “All you need is love”.

I don’t think we can argue with either of these points. Money certainly makes life smoother and more comfortable in many ways; and love, well, when you experience it - it is a truly precious thing.

I am feeling a little introspective today – happy and appreciative, but chilled so I thought I tune my ramblings into that vibe.

Over the last few months, a number of things have happened prompting me to think about what is important to me – qualities that I hopefully have but I want to nurture in myself and things I don’t want to live without.

There have been periods of disappointment, negativity, anger, confusion and frustration - in fact there have been a few weeks where that was all I could see.

But life is funny; when I couldn’t summon up the insight to find a way forward or regain my generally positive attitude - life in its majestic, cyclical way replaced those instances with serenity, hope, positivity, joy and laughter.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am driven by my instinct and emotion. And the most pertinent thing that has been highlighted recently is that when I ignore my intuition - I come unstuck. So what makes life better for me? Here are six things I don’t want to live without:

1. KINDNESS – it struck me as I was writing this that whilst I have friends who come from many different walks of life and people that may not have a lot in common with each other – at their core they are all kind and friendly.

2. WARMTH – I’m a kinda fluffy character. I love making people feel welcome and loved and cared for and I definitely I gravitate towards people and situations that foster these feelings.

3. LOYALTY – this is a no brainer for me. We all go through life connecting with each other. Just so you know, if I have your back, I have your back…we might drift and not see each other for ages, but if you need me I’ll be there. We may even fall out, and if we do, rest assured your confidence will never be betrayed…and whilst I try not to expect anything, I have to admit I hope this is reciprocated.

4. GENEROSITY– OF HEART. My son is a great example of this. I guess it’s pretty straightforward when you like someone. But even when someone has hurt my son, or he doesn’t gel with someone, somehow he finds something positive or complimentary to say about that person.

5. PEOPLE - family, friends, colleagues and friends-to-be...whilst I know only too well that people can shock you and make you sad, I also know how a smile, a message and chat with someone you care about, like or revere can lift you up and make you feel on top of the world, or like anything is achievable.

6. MUSIC - maybe you expected this one? Music is like air for me, I would find it hard to survive without it.

As I read this back, this feels like a rambly post. But this blog is all about me - sharing my thoughts and experiences with you – mostly it’ll be about work or something that has happened in my life – but today I felt like having a chat!So I hope it wasn’t too indulgent, and I would love to know what makes your world go around? 

Exams are NOT the "be all and end all"

I was brought up in a very academically oriented household, maybe unsurprisingly with my Indian heritage (!) My parents strongly believed that all successful roads in life originate from diligent study and a “good” education. So people who know me may double take when I say I exams are not the "be all and end all".

I know this from my own journey and also as a mother I have learned that sometimes life turns things upside down and what is important is thrown into the spotlight and you get that all important perspective.

Was that a little bit cryptic? Let me share with you what has been going on.

Yesterday, my daughter sat her first A-level Maths paper. This is however, the only subject she will be sitting this summer. After being severely lethargic, not sleeping, having migraines for days on end and sore throats for over six weeks coupled with hardly any appetite I managed a few weeks ago to finally get her to agree to go to the doctor and have a blood test.

Needless to say, I have been consumed with worry with all sorts of diagnoses running through my head, because as I have said before mothers, and fathers, are hardwired to worry for our children.

The day after the test, the GP called and I knew something was up. She said my daughter had glandular fever and extremely impaired liver function, which can often happen with the virus.

Whilst I was relieved to have a diagnosis, I did feel like a complete failure as a mother. My daughter is 18, and extremely strong willed, but I am her mother and it my job to look after her. I had dropped the ball.

Anyway, my daughter continued to drag herself out of bed trying to revise for as many hours possible. The doctor said, “Give into the tiredness,” to which my daughter replied, “ I can’t, these my A-levels and I have been working for two years for this moment.”

Then last week, I went into her room to find her sobbing inconsolably. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you are parent or not, our hearts always ache when someone we love is suffering. “I can’t do it Mummy, I’m not ready, I can’t concentrate and I can’t remember everything. “In that moment, I knew exactly what to do. “Right, what if we hit pause and you don’t do your exams this year? “How?” She said. “Well, you were taking year off anyway, and not going to university till September 2016, so you’re not delaying anything,” I continued.

And then I said something, right out of my own mother’s handbook, “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

So, as family we put a plan in place. Maths this year, but the subjects that require a lot of learning are on hold. And I must say her school has been incredible. In fact, after our last meeting at school, I could visibly see the weights and worries my daughter had been internalising, for months, lifting.

I’m not saying that exams are not important; of course they are, if you’re doing them. And I do believe that if you commit to something, whatever that is, you should give it your all.

But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and put things squarely into perspective. Looking back on my life so far, it is the challenges I have faced that have made me stronger and defined me, more so than the qualifications on my CV.

My mantra for my kids, ever since they were born, has been “healthy, happy and safe”, because I believe if those three things are in place, everything else follows. So, I guess I’ll just keep trying.PS: And for those of you who know my daughter…we are a way off 100% health…but she is definitely headed in the right direction. 

When in doubt, wait.

When I was younger - I’m thinking of my school and university years here, I used to feel waiting was a sign of weakness. Surely it meant I was indecisive and I didn’t know what I wanted.

I have always trusted my instincts but often didn’t take the time to follow them through to the end of a thought process. I was in too much of a rush to dive in and ended up being quite impetuous. Consequently, I fell into life decisions that in time I wasn’t happy with, having arguments and disagreements with people I cared about because I didn’t wait to let the dust settle.

But in my mind making quick decisions was linked to being proactive and getting things done, so it was okay.

I had a flatmate at university, whose dad used to say to us, “When in doubt, means no”. This turned into a bit of a blanket philosophy for us. When we couldn’t trust our own judgment we used to defer to this way of thinking. Admittedly, we mainly employed this approach to going out with boys. Life was full of the big issues in those days!

However, as I have grown older, I have come to realise that waiting can have great merit. Delaying a decision, a delicate conversation, reviewing a situation, being more measured before I decide on anything can actually be a much stronger position to take. It’s okay for me not to be sure of everything straightaway.

And in this ever accelerating, fast track, society of instant gratification in which we live – taking our time and even hitting pause sometimes can be really beneficial for mind and body.

As a personality, I can be quite impulsive, so this does go against my natural state, but when I employ this way of thinking and being, whilst still trusting my instincts, I increasingly seem to end up in the right place, in the right way.

Over recent weeks I have found this particularly pertinent at home. As I have mentioned in previous posts we are in the midst of exams. There is a lot going on, some things that I may expand upon over the coming weeks that have injected a little bit of crazy into everyone’s lives.

And whilst there may be many things to discuss, worries to address, waiting to find the right time is paramount. I have to be honest I don’t often get this right, but I am trying and learning. And as I often say to my kids, “If you can’t think of something positive to say, don’t say anything at all.” Hard to do, but this is a great example of waiting…The other area, in which I am trying to teach myself to wait - is shopping. Bear with me here. It is no secret that I am an ardent shopper. I love fashion and all things beautiful. But, at the start of the year, I decided I wanted to curb my spending on frivolous things. After all, there are only 7 days in the week, so there is a limit to how many clothes I can actually wear.And the funny thing here is that delayed gratification feels much more rewarding that the instant variety. Waiting a while to see if I really want something makes me happier. I make a slow, informed decision - and it is better for my bank balance, for which I am also very grateful. I know this is a superficial example, but the mindset permeates so many areas of my life these days, in a really good way.

I’m not saying for one minute, sit back and wait for life to happen around you. Life is for living to the full and I believe we should grab it with both hands, as we rarely know what is around the next corner. But sometimes biding your time, waiting, puts you in a better position; one that you might not have seen if you just jumped in - and that is a wonderful thing.         

How do you shop the sales?

This may be one for the ladies, but I certainly don’t want to exclude all the very stylish men I know…The summer sales are coming. Many shops are already sending out preview sale invitations with up to 40% off marked prices. And though this used to fill me with great joy, I am under no illusions when I get these invitations; I am not special, I have just done A HELLUVA LOT of shopping in my time, so qualify for a lot of discounts!

I used to love a sale. I mean, who doesn’t love a bargain? The trouble with a bargain is that sometimes we get swept up with the markdowns and end up with more stuff we didn’t need in the first place.

These days, I try to be a little more discerning. The reality is, for me there is less desire to snap something up in an end of season sale - here’s why:

Firstly, because we seem to live with a “get it now” mentality, so if I really lust after something, I try it on and if it fits and I can afford it, I buy it. The justification for buying something full price is that my size may not be there at the end of the season, but to be honest we can all justify whatever we want….Secondly, if I have waited till the end of the season, I obviously didn’t want the, let’s say for instance, dress, that much, so maybe I’m just imagining I want it, because it’s in the sale?

And finally it is END OF season. Clothes that we “ooohed” and “ahhhed” over in January for Spring/Summer are somehow less appealing. And as the fashion industry turns its’ attention to pre fall/autumn collections, we are already being tantalized by new season lines, having not yet made full use of our summer wardrobe.

However, sales do have their place. Nowadays, my strategy is I only really buy special pieces in sales. Luxurious fabrics and beautifully cut dresses or jackets that are timeless.

Like a hawk, I will watch something that was horrendously expensive at the start of the season, which I adored but there was absolutely no justification in handing over my credit card for; I will watch as the price gets slashed.

Sometimes if you can bear the wait beautiful things can be discounted by as much as 80% and snapping them up then, feels so good, I think this may be a legal high...There is of course a gamble involved here so I will also say a little prayer to the shopping angels so that if and when the price becomes affordable, my size is still available.

I am not a fan of buying stuff that sits in your wardrobe unworn, so whatever I buy I wear and I think, some of us can go a little crazy in the sales as it is all cheaper. I must deter you from this - there’s no point buying stuff just because it’s cheaper, unless it’s gorgeous on you of course.

So how you will shop the sales? Do you go crazy or do you have a strategy?

Personally, I have my eye on a pair of Saint Laurent black leather shorts. I have lusted after them for months and my lust is undiluted. I cannot justify them, but I will watch and wait and with any luck, they will come down to a much less eye -watering price…fingers crossed…In the meantime, happy sales shopping let me know what you find…

When my brain needs calming...

When I have very full busy weeks like this one, my brain can go into a bit of a tailspin and I often find it hard to focus on one thing at a time as I have so much to do. I’m not sure if this is a quirk of me, or the same for most people, as we all have so much to juggle in our daily lives. For me, any kind of order goes out of the window and chaos ensues.

In times like these, though it has taken me a while, I am finally learning to stop - temporarily at least. And my “go-to happy place” when I do stop is reading poetry and lyrics. Immersing myself in beautifully written words is so soothing for me, and if I'm really lucky I become inspired to write some of my own.

I can’t quite articulate why it felt right to post this poem by Maya Angelou today, but it just did.

I have many music, motherhood and Parry type ramblings coming your way over the next few weeks, but for now enjoy the power of Ms Angelou… 

Still I rise - Maya Angelou 

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise. Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard?

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?Does it come as a surprise?

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise I rise I rise. 

Elephants and mothers never forget

There are certain traits I believe a woman acquires when she becomes a mother. It doesn’t really matter what you were like pre-children, you give birth and become rewired in a subtle but profoundly different way.

You take on multi tasking, you become really great at thinking on your feet. But top of the list, I think is, not forgetting ANYTHING.

All mothers I know are a veritable encyclopaedia on their children. This is a double edge sword – the milestones and lovely memories are wonderful to recall. But everything is in there; illnesses, cheekiness, naughtiness…and woe betide anyone who has done my child wrong. Even if you are friends now, if you have ever made my child sad or cry, I will never forget. Just like an elephant.

I remember the tears, the sadness and the drama as if it were yesterday. And this is a dreadful admission, but once someone has had a negative interaction with one of my kids it completely colours the way I think of that person, even if it was five or ten years ago and my child is over it and they are really good friends with said person, or the person is a distant memory and no longer in their lives.

This is of course awful and hypocritical as I am endlessly telling my kids to forgive and forget, be kind and compassionate...maybe this falls into the parenting category of “ do as I say, not as I do”??It’s not that I am never forgiving, or compassionate and I really hope I am kind - it’s just in certain instances – where my kids are in involved my primal instincts take over and forgiving becomes selective. And I simply can’t forget.

I could even recount an event or conversation of a particular altercation that one of my children told me, word for word, if you wanted me to. This drives my kids crazy. They will just say, “If I’m over it, you should be over it!”

And though I try I really can’t seem to let those visceral feelings go.

I realize I am not painting myself in the best light here, but maybe a realistic light? I am not perfect, but like most mothers I will go above and beyond to look out for my kids whatever the instance – big or small. Am I a nightmare? Should I just forget stuff and let it go? Or can you relate? PS: So, me being me, I had to look up where the phrase “elephants never forget” comes from, as it is weird to compare a person to an elephant. It turns out that apparently studies have shown elephants do have strong abilities to recall people, places, and behavior. They can recall people who trained them when they were young, whom they haven’t seen for over 20 years. So I guess this ability to keep track of information for many decades that has generated the phrase - an elephant never forgets… just like your mother!

The Strength Of A Man

This is not the post I planned to write today, but I felt compelled to post this. My father has been on my mind a lot this week. It has been over 11 years since he passed away and sometimes I feel ashamed I don't sit and think of him more often. Not in a sad way, but just remembering stuff, and more stuff.

Anyway, earlier this week, my mum and I were talking and planning a cinema trip. This led her to a story about my dad. They used to go to the Leicester Square Odeon a lot, in the days when I think films were just looped so you could go and watch the last 30 minutes of something and then stay for the next showing and watch your chosen film from the beginning. Well, this is how I understand it from my mum.

The funny thing was, she was really complaining about how my father loved to do this, even though it used to ruin the film for her. This made me laugh out loud. Because I am exactly the same. It drives most people I know crazy. Knowing the ending of a film, book, any plot spoiler does not ruin my enjoyment at all. And I've always known this was a little weird, but I thought it was just me. In all the time I was growing up, I didn't know about this similarity. Now I do, it just makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Since that conversation with my mother, my brain has been flooded with thoughts of my father. I guess once you start thinking about someone love, it is hard to stop.

So with my father at the forefront of my mind this morning I happened on a website, which had a poetry section and this title jumped out at me. Slightly unrelated perhaps, but all roads at the moment lead back to my father in my head. When I young I didn't understand that my dad's softness and sensitivity were among his greatest strengths. I have to share this poem with you, which to me, screams my father's name. I hope it resonates with you, about someone. I have googled Jacqueline Marie Griffiths and can't seem to find info on her. If you know about her, please let me know, so I can thank her for this beautiful poem. 

The Strength Of A Man by Jacqueline Marie Griffiths

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.

It's in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.

It's in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.

It's how good of buddies he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.

It's in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.

It's in how tender he touches.

The strength in a man isn't in the hair on his chest.

It's in his Heart...that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved.

It's in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.

It's in the burdens he can carry.

© July 15, 1999 Jacqueline Marie Griffiths (written for Hunt D. Rochon)

Exam season is upon us – so how do you handle it as a parent?

The double whammy has arrived. GCSEs have started and A Levels are hot on their heels. And maybe this is a bit back to front in a parenting type post, but I have been thinking about how us parents deal with the exam period.

Parenting like many situations in life has a disarming way of showing you both sides of the story. As my kids have prepared for their exams, I have recalled all too well the drudgery of revision, the feeling that you want to go out and do anything but revise.

Guiltily, I remember putting in “several hours of revision” staring at my bedroom wall, thumbing through magazines, listening to music…I really hope my mum isn’t reading this… and this isn’t what my kids have been doing. Anything was more appealing at times than actually learning endless facts, figures and equations.

Now, the shoe is definitely on the other foot. I am the parent. I am the mother. I've been there, done that, I have experience and wisdom. But empathy doesn’t help here; it is not welcomed. My kids unequivocally have no interest in the fact that their parents have been through what they are going through.

So as a parent how do we deal with the revision and exam period? I know we are not taking the exams, but there is a “no fun” vibe that has permeated the atmosphere in my home, I’m guessing it’s the same for you? It is hard from this side of the fence. Letting go, standing by, watching as life unfolds in front of you is like a crazy slow motion film, which you cannot control, but you desperately hope will turn out well.

So here are a few things I do to get by:

1. Food. Maybe it is the woman in me, or the mother, or the very dominant Indian genes but food is vital. Cooking for my kids - so I feel I am being of some use and they are for the most part eating well. Food also serves as a kind of therapy for me; cooking from scratch takes time and I find it oddly relaxing...and I love to eat.

2. Being busy. I am pretty busy anyway, but during this period it is even more important. I need my brain to be well and truly occupied and challenged. I feel very grateful that at the moment my time is being snaffled up with this blog and three music projects on the go.

3. Avoid school coffee mornings. I’m not an anti social wotsit, I love meeting up with friends, although I would always choose alcohol over coffee. The people (women), I’m trying to avoid talk incessantly about how much work their children have done and whip everyone in the surrounding area into a frenzied state. This is a whirlpool you cannot escape if you are in the vicinity, so do like me, avoid it.

4. Be around but be invisible. It is impossible not to care, worry and wonder how your kids’ exams are going and how they are. So I find just “being around” when I can quite effective. My study is the basement and the kitchen is above me…so when I hear someone rummaging around in the fridge I realize I need a cup of tea. My teenagers might not always say anything, but they might. They can chat or vent if they need to and I feel part of what they are going through. Momentarily it eases my latent stress.

 Exams are part of the education system, so we all have to get on with it, we know this, but it really is no fun for any of us. Roll on the summer holidays, I say. What do you think? 

Parental worry – do you fight it or surrender to it?

Last week my daughter passed her driving test. I was delighted. It’s a rite of passage, correct? Of course it is, as a parent your heart swells with pride when your child reaches a new milestone. And as they get older, each landmark your child reaches brings with it more autonomy. And for you – more worry.

Whilst as a person in your own right you may be a rational, reasonable individual, as a parent all bets are off when you consider any situation and your child.

I am pretty sure any parent has at some point taken a routine event, like running to the local supermarket or going to a party and with a few “what ifs” turned it into a disaster worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.

I have to say I hate this worry gene I have acquired since becoming a parent. I wonder if there’s something in the air when you give birth, because it permeates every pore. Fathers are not immune, though in my experience the “worry gene” is more predominant in mothers.

My mother is the queen of worry and it still drives me crazy. When I was in my teens, she would be quite fearful of me going out late at night, or going away with mates so much so that often I wasn’t allowed. The problem with that is, as I got older I didn’t tell her. Probably just as well she didn’t find out or nothing went wrong – that certainly wouldn’t have helped with the worry!! Although I had to extricate myself from some pretty tricky situations…In my own subjective perspective I think my mother’s worry is extreme. But having children, wonderful though it is, can mess with your head.

You can think about what they are going to do, or are wanting to do and think back to what you did and you can reconcile whatever it is. You’re chilled, been there, done that – what’s the problem? But then parental worry takes over…having BEEN in their shoes, you know what could happen - how things can go awry. You are looking at every situation with your baby in mind.

And when I am in that mindset, it doesn’t matter that my daughter is 18, passed her driving test and IS actually a great driver. Every negative eventuality races through my mind…But in reality, what I am going to do? Drive with her everywhere? I don’t have crazy protective powers, although those would be more useful than worrying…I guess worry is just a parent’s lot. I can’t fight the worry - it’s in me - intertwined with the crazy love I feel for my kids. I won’t surrender to it either, I just know it’s there and sometimes I say the most ridiculous things out loud, because I worry and then I try to close the door on it.

I know life is for living to the fullest of anyone’s ability and me worrying isn’t going change the outcome of anything.

Anyway, this year, I have to brace myself for my kids away at festivals, inter-railing with friends through Europe and my baby (17 in September) learning to drive too. It literally is never ending…so what do you do? How do you keep a lid on your parental worry?  

When life is busy, how do you look after yourself?

(The view from my hotel room)

Do you know when to stop and recharge? Do you have a balance of working hard, and then unwinding so you are truly refreshed? I don’t. So, really what I’m looking for here is advice.

I’m a “get stuff done now so you’re ahead of yourself” person, a compulsive list maker, a “hardly ever say no” person. I love my work, writing songs, coming up with new creative ideas, thinking of posts for this blog and so often work 7 days a week, and of course I have a family…And though this is how I choose to live my life, the problem is I literally never stop.

I have found this year that life has taken on a different pace. Increasingly I feel the need relax and do nothing. But I am not very good at it and curiously the thought of taking time to do nothing for myself makes me feel guilty. I think this is a "mother" thing.

I have tried to book the odd beauty treatment as an “enforced” time out, but I find myself scheduling studio days and answering emails whilst trying not to scuff lovely manicured nails. Even I know that’s not relaxing.

So this weekend just gone, I decide to do something bold. I booked a hotel in Cotswolds, chucked a few things in a bag and jumped in car on my own. Funnily enough, last week a few girlfriends and I were talking about a spa break, but that wouldn’t be for a few months and would take some coordination. And whilst I am looking forward to doing that, I needed to hit pause now.

So, I drove off just before lunchtime on Saturday, having made sure the house was clean and the washing was done. There was a bit of traffic, but the weather was so gorgeous it wasn’t a hardship and I remembered that driving without any time constraints is a joy.

A few hours later I arrived at the little hotel I had booked. Checked in and did nothing. I read my book, I snoozed, I had a shower, went down to the bar had a drink, ate some yummy food and then went to bed at 9.30pm.You may be thinking, I sound really sad and pathetic but I loved it. I am just not used to taking time out for me. It’s not the way I am wired. But I realised I spend most of my time "doing", even if I love what I’m doing, and for just over 24 hours I benefitted from just "being". And the funny thing is this, though I didn’t take any work with me, on Sunday morning when I woke alarm free – my brain was buzzing with ideas.

I would love to tell I put my wellies or walking boots (neither of which I own) and went for a long walk in the countryside, but I didn’t. For a city girl like me, being in the country and looking at it was a good first step. I drove home feeling energised and refreshed.

So how good are you at looking after yourself? Do you feel you have good work/rest balance in your life? Do you stop and take time out for yourself? Tell me what you do; I would love to know.        

Five things parents do that teenagers hate

I thought I would look at parenting from my children’s viewpoint. So yesterday I asked my kids what I did that annoyed them. My son, without hesitation, said it was impossible to narrow it down to five things and my daughter; well she didn’t seem remotely interested in venting. So I thought back over the last few months and put together this list of five things.

1. Telling them what you would have done in a particular situation and how you were as a teenager. This is an offence most parents I know are guilty of. And the funny thing is as with most things our intentions as parents, are to help and impart wisdom. However, I have learned that when your child reaches the teenage years they are less tolerant of your anecdotes and helpful tips. We cannot save them from every mistake. We must wait for them to come to us. They are people in their own right after all, often with very different perspectives and as I am frequently told life is different for them, as they are not growing up in the dark ages as I was!

2. Engaging with their friends for more than a minute and showing any interest in their social lives. This one always takes me by surprise. I feel if your children’s mates are in your house, it is nice to make them feel welcome – NO. It is nice to ask them how they are? NO. It is nice to offer to make them lunch or dinner – NO. It is nice to find out what they have been up to? NO, NO, NO. They are your children’s friends, not yours. If by some stroke of luck I am allowed to chat, I’m on the clock; it is very clear when I have outstayed my welcome…in my kitchen.

3. Invading their privacy. This refers to anything that they view as solely theirs - their rooms (in my house!), any of their stuff – I am not allowed to borrow anything and the real red rag to a bull - their phones. If I touch their phones to move them this is a pretty bad sin. But if I happen to read the odd message over their shoulders then all hell breaks loose. But of course, privacy is a one-way street, theirs should be impenetrable, I have none.

4. Asking them what their plans are and keeping you informed. I have thought a lot about this one. Basically I feel they see this as too controlling and I see this as just knowing what’s going on, so if plans need to be made, suppers cooked, lifts organized or taxis booked I can sort it. I have discovered that teenage lives, social or otherwise work on a very “need to know” basis.

5. Using their vernacular. I didn’t get this memo, but apparently there is one somewhere that says this is strictly forbidden. You cannot use any word or phrase that they use. So I’m not to say “sik one”, “safe” or “wag wan” or anything else they currently say. If I do there will be a lot of eye rolling. Oh, and never refer to yourselves as the “rents”…

I have come to realize that teenager’s likes and dislikes change dramatically from day to day and may have nothing to do with us parents. We might engage with them in a certain way that is completely acceptable, but in less than 24 hours, the same thing could be the worst thing in the world.I write this slightly tongue in cheek; day on day they become increasingly opinionated and judgmental, which of course is normal. However, if I offer an opinion or judge something or someone, make no mistake, I will be vilified for it. So I wonder what they will have to say about this…your thoughts?   

Is it ever ok to lie? What do you tell your children?

No, sometimes, depends, yes...When my children were very young, many things were black and white. One of my “jobs” as a parent was to teach them right from wrong and set their moral compass. And I feel for the most part this happens very early on. Even if we are not told verbally, we soak up so many unwritten dos and don’ts and not lying is definitely one of them.

I remember one incident when my kids were two and three; in the days when they used to bath together there was a big splashing incident. It was the end of a long day so I was tired, they were having fun, which meant half the bath water was on the bathroom floor. I warned them several times and then I roared, “Who did this? If you don’t tell me, there will be no story tonight.” My punishments were hardcore in those days!

My kids were silent and after a few seconds my son (two at the time) stood up and confessed. He then went onto say that he didn’t deserve a story but his older sister did. I was surprised. I had actually suspected my daughter or thought they were in cahoots.

Anyway, I told him off, put him to bed without a story. I later asked his sister if it had been her brother. She said yes, without hesitation. But it wasn’t. It took her two days to fess up. This was an inconsequential event but my instincts were right, she had lied and he had taken the rap for her.

I do think as people we have a predisposition to try to get ourselves out of things – keep quiet, make excuses, fabricate stories and omit important bits of information. Is this different or just an extension of lying?

As children get older, the black and whites blend to different shades of grey. It is no long valid, in my opinion to say, “don’t ever lie”. They have to learn to use their judgment. My hope is they are discerning, and whilst they may lie to extricate themselves from certain tricky situations, I hope they wouldn’t lie to me. But I am not that naive. Luckily for me, they have a “tell” and when I ask a question in a certain way, I know if they are telling the truth or not…most of the time.

I am a great believer in lying being a useful tool in selective situations and in lying for the greater good. Number one on my list is sparing worry. I am thinking particularly of my mother here. Since my father passed away my mother’s worry has increased exponentially, so sometimes it is just easier to lie.

For instance, last year I had an operation so I told her I was going out for the day, which technically isn’t a lie, but you see what I’m getting at.

My real bugbear? Getting caught. As I am always saying to my children, if you are going to lie, lie effectively. Live the lie...One thing I haven’t laid out but I hope is implicit is I do not condone lying about really important things. Legal or criminal issues or instances when you could cause people real harm.

So what do you think? I think everyone lies…and if you say you don’t, you’re lying ;-)

When a quick fix doesn’t cut it: or how an illness led me to Michelle Roques O’Neil

(Michelle Roques O'Neil)

A few years ago, I got virus that resulted in me being bed ridden for about 2 weeks, it then took another 6 weeks to regain any kind of normality, I had been zapped of my life force, or so it felt. I saw several doctors, popped every pill prescribed and had every test under the sun. I need to be fixed, and quickly.

The good news is all the tests were normal, there was nothing wrong with me; the bad news was no one could tell me what had happened. As I improved, one of the doctors suggested it could have been stress induced. But being in so much pain that I was confined to my bed, because of stress seemed ridiculous.

I have always believed in the mind, body and soul connection. There has been much scientific evidence that emotional experiences have a real effect on our physiology. And traditional Chinese medicine says that different organs represent different emotions.

Anyway, the point is I had experienced something which conventional medicine couldn’t answer. My body shut down and took its’ own sweet time to reboot. I wanted a way forward to guard against a similar episode; I felt I needed a longer lasting solution.

I am a great believer that life gives you what you need. About two years before my crazy virus I had read about a lady called Michelle Roques O’Neil. I read the article and unusually, after a few weeks, I didn’t put the magazine into the recycling, I kept coming back to it.

Eventually I picked up the phone and spoke to Michelle. A lot of what she said resonated with me, so I booked an appointment.

To say, Michelle is an aromatherapist and massage therapist who has counseling qualifications is accurate. She combines oils, acupressure and reiki to tune into the physical and emotional states of her clients. But in truth this doesn’t really scratch the surface.

She is warm and easy to trust. She is a healer, a very proactive one. She compassionately finds the possible roots to dissatisfaction, sadness, resentment, anger, hurt and stress that you may have buried so deep that you were not aware of them and gives you tools to improve yourself from the inside out.

She helps you strip away negative emotions, superficialities and insecurities to be a more authentic you. Even if like me you thought you were fine and nothing was really wrong. Michelle helps in subtle yet profound ways. And yes, she is an awesome massage therapist and facialist.

It is true that someone else being a sounding board often highlights issues in your life that you could not see before. Objectivity is hard when you are being subjective. Michelle has taught me balance and putting myself first, which I have never been very good at. I leave an appointment feeling rejuvenated and energized with a clearer vision – emotionally and mentally.

In this world of quick fixes, many of us are increasingly looking for answers and ways of living that are more meaningful, long lasting and nourishing. People I wouldn’t have thought of as spiritually aware are turning to meditation, journals and yoga.

I personally recognise the joy of a quick fix to make myself feel good or less stressed – a manicure, a new pair of shoes or a glass of prosecco or two, and Michelle would encourage these little joys. But we could also recognize them as temporary and balance them with something more nurturing and long term to keep us well and happy.

I am sure I will write about my friend and mentor Michelle Roques O’Neil again. But in the meantime, if you want to check her out please take a look at her website where you can discover her world http://www.roquesoneil.com/ 

The helpless parent - or What do you do when your help is no longer welcome?

I like to swoop in and help. I think I have always been like this even before becoming a mother. I like to give, fix and solve.When my children were little, it was simple, they needed me do everything for them. There were flickers of my help becoming redundant quite early on, as is normal. She learned to button her coat, he learned to tie his shoe laces, they learned to feed themselves, get dressed, take the bus to school... independence gets picked up slowly along the way.

I suppose, for me, helping my children is partly wrapped up in the perceived control I have as a parent, which I know is minimal. As my children have grown up (I actually have one adult now) my sense of purpose as a parent feels diminished in some ways.

Of course, they still want me to help, but there is no carte blanche. It is very much on their terms. They only want me when it suits them - selective help. And, of course, they have no interest in listening to my point of view.

So what do you when your help is unwelcome and you can see events unfold, not always for the best, before your eyes? Anyone that knows me may fall off their chair at this point, but I have been learning to use silence and distance. I’m not very good at this, but I have been honing these skills for the past seven years or so. I bite my lip and walk away, because when they need you for advice or something that goes wrong, they will come to you, and then you do get to swoop in and be the superhero.

Please note: I don’t actually want anything to go wrong for my kids, or anyone else’s, but shit happens sometimes and we all need someone to turn to. In these moments Mother Nature is extremely clever. You don’t say ‘Ha Ha!!! I told you to do it my way”, "You should have asked me at the beginning” or "I knew this would happen” …you just smile, handle it and naturally enjoy the nanosecond of gratitude.

I was wondering how to exemplify this and, as if my magic, my 16 and a half-year-old son came into my study this morning. Since his last birthday he has wanted to change his cash point card into a debit card. I have said I would go to the bank with him and sort it out, but no, he wanted to do it.

His birthday was September, it is now April and there is still no debit card. Anyway last week, he has said he would call the bank to make an appointment. He finally called today, got an automated message and hung up. “Mummy” he said in a really fluffy tone that I haven’t heard since the last time he wanted something ”I can’t get through on the phone to make an appointment.”

“Have you followed the instructions?”

“Yes”, he replied, there was a pause and then: “Will you do it for me?"

I smiled inside and pick up the phone, resisting the temptation to say I could have done this six months ago.

To be clear, my son is super smart. He could have picked up the phone again and done it. But he wanted my help, and I wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to give it. I navigated my way through the automated call and made him an appointment for this afternoon. Job done. “Thanks Mummy!” and off he goes, flashing me a gorgeous smile. That’ll do.

I know it is normal for the apron strings to loosen over the years and eventually be cut. And I certainly want my children to be equipped to deal with whatever comes their way – inconsequential or significant. But it is hard when, for a good decade or so, you have been the “go to” person for everything. I suppose children need to earn self-sufficiency, and I suppose I need to learn to wait until I’m asked for help.

I'm still a work in progress, how about you?

Alexander McQueen – Savage Beauty at the V&A

(Photo taken from a postcard bought at V&A, Look 91, Alexander McQueen - Bugle beads and net)

It was mesmerising and captivating. The music and lighting beautifully balanced to create a slightly hypnotic effect, showcasing the dramatic spectacle that encapsulated the vision of Alexander McQueen.

I don’t how the organisers at the Victoria and Albert museum did it, but somehow they had managed to distil McQueen’s essence into the atmosphere. Or at least that’s how it felt for me.

Sometimes in life when your expectations are high, they are rarely met, or maybe this is the cynic in me. This was not the case yesterday. I was instantly drawn in, marvelling at the collections displayed at the Alexander McQueen - Savage Beauty exhibition.

The exhibition is first and largest retrospective of the late designer’s work to be presented in Europe. It showcases McQueen’s designs from his 1992 MA graduate collection to his unfinished A/W 2010 collection.

One of my favourite collections was VOSS, Spring/Summer 2001, also known as the ‘Asylum’ show. I understand that on the catwalk, it was staged inside a vast two-way mirrored box, which the models couldn’t see out of to start with. Of the show, McQueen said, ‘It was about trying to trap something that wasn’t conventionally beautiful to show that beauty comes from within.’

(photo taken from Alexander McQueen book, bought at V&A - Look from the VOSS collection)

So, the exhibition satisfied my appetite for fashion, but as I lingered at each mannequin and video screen, I flipped between wonder and sadness. Wonder because, to me his blend of drama, theatrics, emotion and couture were perfectly balanced in each piece. Each design showcases his attention to detail, and the mastery with which he created such beauty from the dark, mysterious, unexpected and sometimes the ugly and grotesque. But sadness because a talent like his, is no longer with us.

And whilst the brand, Alexander McQueen is still such a successful powerhouse reaching the masses, I can’t help feeling that the magic has been diluted with his passing, something intangible and really rather special has been lost. What a true artist Alexander McQueen was and his artistry continues to be inspirational.PS: this has been one of the hardest posts to write, to date, I really felt that “wow” and “OMG” weren’t going to cut it. I have been thinking about what to write since yesterday and have been completely waylaid this afternoon by the beautiful Alexander McQueen book I bought in the shop, edited by Claire Wilcox. I’m not sure if I have done the exhibition justice, but I hope so, and if you want to go, let me know, I’m pretty sure I can free up my diary…

(Photo taken from a postcard bought at V&A, Look 45, Alexander McQueen - Silk faille and tuille with boning, with fresh and silk flowers)

Beliefs – Friend or foe? What do you believe?

There is a proverb that has been imprinted on my brain since I was a child. Very loosely translated from Bengali, it is

"However much you laugh is how much you’ll cry."

The phrase sounds beautiful in Bengali but has always struck me as such an odd thing to say. When I was growing up, it was sometimes used by my mother as a warning.

Even if I employ my rational brain and think about Newton's 3rd law - every action has an equal and opposite reaction - I still don’t understand why we would be told not to have too much fun. In case something bad happens? That seems fearful.

This got me thinking about the things we are told and the weight of a belief. Beliefs can empower or decimate instantly, often in quite a surreptitious way. For example, my family is huge and, for the most part, very traditional. Whilst there was great love in our home, there was not a lot of praise. It was frowned upon, the belief was that it would breed arrogance. Humility was the way to go, and whilst I agree that it is a wonderful quality, the things that people say (and how they say them) can stay with you forever. When I was a teenager I was told quite forcefully once that I was a failure. The whys and wherefores aren’t relevant here, but it has stayed with me forever.

There are always people in our lives, often those closest to us, whose words matter, whose beliefs we take as gospel. This is wonderful if the beliefs raise us up, not if they put you down. For many people, beliefs are linked to religion, which, combined with tradition and culture, was heavily intertwined in the way I was brought up. Despite my relationship with God being very up and down, I respect all religions and faith (as long as they do no harm). I do believe there is something more than flesh and bone. I believe in the soul and inexplicable connections. I believe there is more.

And I have to say: I don’t believe that "God" or any kind of higher order that would want us to have a detrimental effect on people or to put a negative spin on happiness and laughter.

I have always been accepting of life's ups and downs, I am prepared to take the rough spots if I can have the moments of euphoria. In fact I believe that the way we deal with low points and challenges in life is what defines us. So I’m going to keep laughing and being happy, and if that has to be balanced with sadness then I am prepared to shed the odd tear.

How about you? What do you believe? Do your beliefs empower you, or are building yourself up after falling prey to unfounded beliefs?

Teenage kicks part 2: Partying

Carnage. This is the word most frequently used to describe teenage parties in SW London. Although I’m sure it’s not just restricted to SW London.

I have heard many horror stories. Furniture being broken, projectile vomiting, bathrooms left in a disgusting unusable state, teenagers so high on something they are uncontrollable, comatose guests whose parents need to be called, or worse an ambulance and so the list goes on.

So, it won’t surprise you that it was with some trepidation that we made plans for a joint 18th for my daughter and one of her best mates.

The benefit of having an 18th later in the school year is that you can learn from other people’s experience and most of the kids invited are 18 and so are theoretically better at dealing with the alcohol fuelled frivolities.

So we had the party on Saturday. And I am relieved to tell you we survived and the word on the street is it was great. Phew!

The parental goals were very simple. Firstly, that the birthday girls have a wonderful celebration and secondly to avert any dramas or disasters. So vigilance was key and yes, 4 parents were at this party, sober for over 6 hours. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend a Saturday night that way?!

The only real roles you have in this scenario are financial and sorting out problems. Basically you have to be as invisible as possible until they need you. Then you swoop in and out as quickly and effectively as possible.

So this is what I can tell you. The girls planned an awesome party and this is what worked for us: 

1. A good theme for decorations and fancy dress – The girls chose “Under the Sea”. People came as sharks, dolphins and there was a lot of beachwear.

2. A venue, used to the drunk and disorderly - we booked a local rugby club.

3. Security guards, ID checks and a guest list. If your name is not on the list, you’re not coming in.

4. Good DJ/playlist – the girls spend a long time compiling the music. It was hit and the dance floor was packed all night.

5. Food. The girls were ambivalent but myself and the other mother were insistent. So at about 10.30pm we brought out pizza and cupcakes – which went down very well.

6. Luck – I don’t underestimate this. We prepared for everything we could think of but you never how things will actually turn out.

 I can’t tell you how grateful I am to everybody concerned for how well it went. Security guards, bar staff, venue organizers – everyone was fantastic.

And also, teenagers can get a bad rap; but they were well mannered and polite. And some were extremely entertaining.

And yes, I was invisible-ish for most of the night. But I did heavily negotiate for dancing privileges and was told I could dance to two songs…and I made the most of it.

So we were lucky to come out with a positive view on the madness of teenage parties. What are your experiences?  

How do you justify the cost of clothes in that “I just have to have it” moment?

Picture this – you’re out shopping with your mates and you see a piece of clothing in your peripheral vision, you make a bee-line for it – touch it, hold it up to you and check the price tag. You’re thinking, “I’ll just try it on to satisfy my curiosity”. This is fatal, especially if you have chosen well and it fits like it was made for you. Your mates, the shop assistant all chorus, “You look so good in that, you have to have it.”

At this moment, maybe like me you turn into a fashion schizophrenic. One part of my brain is telling me I don’t need this (let’s say for instance) dress. I begin mentally scouring my wardrobe for something similar. I have had to cultivate this habit. My default position is “I love this, it’s so versatile, I can dress it up and dress it down, it’ll never date…” and so it goes on. I have already bought it, paying is merely a formality.

I used to be a true clothes shopping addict – no justifications, impulse buys, coming home with something very similar to another thing I have already and feeling slightly peer pressured into buying something slightly out of my budget and sticking it on my credit card.

Nowadays, I am more discerning. Generally if I find something I love that’s expensive I will look on the high street for something similar. A case in point is this gorgeous Zara green silk shirt I bought a few weeks ago.

Photo taken from Zara.com

It is £39.99 as opposed to a Raquel Allegra one (which isn’t silk) around at the moment, retailing at £318 – which also looks lovely. The problem with "high street" brands these days though is the prices have been steadily creeping up and so aren't always the cheap option. I saw a couple of dresses on the Topshop site for £600 yesterday. Not what I expected, but price point may be another blog post.

So my justification list is broadly this:

1. Fabric. This is really important to me. Silk and cotton always win, I struggle to pay a lot for polyester.

2. Workmanship/lining. I know a few amazing seamstresses and used to make clothes myself when I was a teenager, so finishing off a piece of clothing well is vital.

3. Is it going to stand the test of time? I will admit I have a lot of clothes, but I still pull out things I bought ten years ago and they haven’t dated.

4. Do I really love it?

5. Does it fit me perfectly?

I know we all have budgets, and we all go through phases of “being good” and not shopping (this was me in January and February) and then having the odd splurge on something we can’t resist. So, when you see something you love, how do you justify the cost?

PS: Last I tweeted the top picture, a beautiful Dolce and Gabbana dress. Those of you who know me will suspect I succumbed. I did. Old habits die hard; it’s on my credit card…Sssshh!

Hurtling to exam hell

There are a number of “take your life into your own hands” conversations in this house at the moment, and the biggest bone of contention is revision for impending exams.

Long gone are days when my children came home wanting to show me the mark they got in a test. I vaguely recall being used as a sounding board for a project, or being asked for help to make palm trees out of loo rolls, but that was easily 10 years ago.

And actually I was and still am very happy with this academic independence. I know parents who revise with their children, even beyond GCSEs. I am slightly amazed at how they manage to do this; it wouldn’t work in this house.

The reason things are a bit tetchy is this summer we have the double whammy: my daughter is doing A levels and my son GCSEs.

I have learned over the years that in any relationship stepping back, thinking twice before you speak and waiting to be asked can be invaluable qualities. However, these are not my strengths: especially where my kids are involved.

It’s the lack of control in this scenario that I find so hard. It’s not my “thing” to accomplish.

Not having control is horrible in any relationship and if as parents we are under any illusions that we have a lot of control to start with, we are deluded…but a little bit would be nice. Or just being thrown the odd crumb of reassurance.

I cannot help myself with repeated “Are you sure you’ve finished working? Could you do a bit more?” And I know before I finish the sentence this interaction will not end well.

I guess my biggest fear is history repeating itself. I have come unstuck before with exams and that feeling of inevitable doom is unbearable. Hoping that you ace the exams you don’t deserve to ace. And a parent, I just want to save my children from “doom”.

Right now, I can’t think of a more effective way of getting my message across than lecturing and I know, hearing me say the same thing 6 times in a slightly different way is really annoying.

Here’s the thing. You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. And I know my kids are savvy. I’m sure they are working hard…I also believe, everything works out. We all have our own journey and the capacity to make life work for us. Why is it I can’t adopt this serene approach when I talk to my kids about exams??

So…what are your experiences? And if you know my kids, could you ask them how their revision is going…they are less likely to bite your head off!